my boss enlists me in hiding his multiple affairs from his wife — Ask a Manager

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my boss enlists me in hiding his multiple affairs from his wife

It sounds toxic and awful. A Foreign Office spokesman said: My mind is going to intimate activity. Wife forgave husband, the husband was promoted to SVP and the staff member who told was fired. I agree with the caveat of when you find a new job, LW — you should tell his wife. This happens almost weekly.

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This is the best place to have a discreet affair bar none! Outing the boss carries significant potential professional risk and very little benefit. Working for a slimeball like this is soul-sucking. You many get some personal satisfaction outing a creep and a cheater, but it gets you even more involved. I would say find another job and get out. I would agree that looking for a new job is the best way to handle this. The entire situation is not going to end well for anyone involved, regardless of the outcome.

I would simply get the heck out of there, and let sleeping dogs lie. Really — there are way too many unknown factors to get any more involved at this point. I would cut your losses and get the heck out of there, and take the secret with you.

Look for a new job, but meanwhile, stop helping him. OP has no leverage, no vantage point in this mess. If she were the big boss my answer would be different. But as his subordinate, we have to consider that she is vulnerable to retaliation. Likewise with OP, the boss is in a position to fire her, give her a bad reference and so on. Whatever decision OP makes in the end, these will be things she needs to consider. Who has his surname!

Which suggests…she put his name as the father on the birth certificate? This is how a work friend found out about her husbands affair. This is what I was trying to understand with my comment below. This was not clear to me from the letter. This is a critical issue as to whether or not the company will have an interest in what he is doing.

Although they may be highly irritated about having his assistant lie for him, my guess is they would not be nearly as interested unless it involves misappropriation of company funds. Helena had a really good point about possible contract audits as well. If a contractor is involved, that is another layer of fussiness with much less incentive to let things slide. She can just frame it like this: Can you clarify the process I should follow? Did you mean to reply to someone else, by any chance?

It reads as a pretty sensible reply to your comment to me. Eh, I would disagree. People sometimes use their corporate card by mistake. Sending your assistant with cash to reverse a personal charge is really NBD in a lot of companies. Do NOT out him to the wife, however you will want to document all this funny business with HR, and possibly with the legal department so they can prepare for the eventual subpeona from her divorce lawyer. Even with a reasonably plausible tale she was using the card at the gas station so she could pay at the pump, etc.

She went through pre-trial intervention, so no criminal record, but destroyed her career. I was actually thinking of that case when I wrote my first post … the food bank only had two other employees, one of whom demonstrably knew about the misuse of the card, and that person was shown the door as well. The issue there is not really embezzlement, though. There are a whole raft of rules around the use of credit cards for non-profits, and she clearly broke those rules.

Even though he intended to pay it back the next day, it still technically is embezzlement. I would highly doubt he would ever be charged for it in this case, though. As a way of getting a one-night vacation without having to pay for getting there and back. Or to book a flight to a third location instead of back home at the end of the conference and pay the company the difference between the flight home and the flight to the other location.

None of that is embezzling. The purpose of the expenditure is still primarily business. Some companies have policies allowing you to use the card and pay it back. My sister is allowed to do some purchases on the company card if she settles it when the bill comes. That being said, the question is, what to do now? If I felt that I could not continue to do what he asks, then the answer is to leave the position.

That was downright heinous. Sounds like it was the tipping point for the OP as well. In this case it is pervasive and OP is regularly spending hours fixing things. At that point it becomes misuse of company resources for private things. It would also be classified as mischarging, as the hours are not being used for company related interests. In my experience, assistants are often charged with handling all kinds of personal tasks.

It really depends on her job description I would think. Also, I doubt the extra work the OP is doing is all that time consuming. But I am speculating of course. I think you are right. I think she mentioned it more in context of how she knew he was cheating on his wife and that it was icky.

Not that he was stealing money or resources or her time. If she does the statement every month, it would take very little time to do the math. I spent a full YEAR trying to sort out the day I used the company credit card at the grocery store — and that was when I realized my mistake right away and the grocery store reversed the charge and put it on my personal card the very next MINUTE so it was obvious what had happened.

This crap your boss is asking you to do? They will have zero mercy. Handling even a normal expense report with a few personal expenses separated out is a pain in the neck; it must be a mess for OP to have to deal with this on behalf of the sleazeball boss. Not to mention, you know. Just saying, as HR, if something like this were happening at my org we would so much rather the employee tell us sooner rather than later so we can step in and do something, or pass it along to someone higher up who can step in.

Yeah, that part is particularly appalling to me. I am seeing a progression of things getting worse and worse. OP, you have put up with more than enough already.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself, this probably means get the heck out of there. She will give you clear direction on how to tell the wife and why you should tell the wife. Women is harsh but honest and supportive. If nothing else, maybe the OP can recommend the site to the wife. Recovering from heart surgery is not the time to be reading advice about adding stress to your life. Even if the end result is less stress. She needs to stay out of it. That means no more covering for the boss.

It also means not telling the Wife. It is not part of her job duties to tell the Wife her husband is cheating. It is not part of her job duties to order jewelry for the girlfriends.

If she were somehow terminated dunno if that would be applicable here or found herself looking for a new job, what would she tell perspective employers? Her advice is to tell. It gives the chump her word on the site for the spouse being cheated on the ability to take back control over their own life and not be stuck. The spouse is endangering her health and obviously doesnt give a crap if that were to add to the current health issues.

She needs to consider whether the deep personal cost is worth helping this nice lady who is an essential stranger. And framing it that way may be the least-awkward way for you to approach his boss.

Telling HR, big boss, or even the ethics hotline could potentially backfire on the OP. Not telling carries much bigger consequences IMO. OP has a duty to the company to report something like this. If they have an ethics hotline where you can anonymously report? It would be naive in the extreme to believe that the ethics hotline was anonymous when dealing with something this personal. If you are the only person who knows something, there is no way to anonymously report it. Better to err on the side of caution and report it now.

I think of it as more like a flow chart. Telling someone higher on the food chain is basically step one. But a Plan B would be good to have before going over his head. Seems like boss is treating her like the latter, and owner may not like it.

This is beyond belief! My advice would be to find a different job. Exactly and, if asked point blank, could you lie convincingly or would you fess up? She never did find out who sent it, but when she confronted her husband, he immediately confessed to an affair. I think wondering who sent the text really gnawed at my friend for quite awhile.

The boss will likely suspect the OP no matter what. But his door is closed. With whom is he meeting? My thoughts on that incident are that he was at a rub-and-tug massage parlor, and thought telling his assistant it was a strip club would make him look a little better. Obviously the OP was going to figure it out, given that she had to go there on his request.

The OP is trying to keep her job so she can feed herself and keep a roof over her head. Boss man can do what he wants — her job is to try to stay out of it as much as possible. Maybe another variation could be just describing the person without the lies? At that point, OP might as well be a more general version of honest. Strictly speaking, the wife is not entitled to know who he is meeting with.

I will let him know that you came by. Secondly, you have a lot more power here than you think you do. So be firm and go for it. Being forthright about not participating has the implicit threat that you know things that would hurt him and so if you only want to be removed from having to deal this is the way to go.

Her keeping her mouth shut can remain contingent on him keeping her employed but out of his affairs. She just dealt with the front desk, though. If merely setting foot in a strip club was sexual harassment, it would apply to everybody who handles the books in a strip club.

Especially since he seemed to be trying to cover up the actual nature of the place. If I were the employee, I would be scared to be associated with someone visiting a massage parlor for potentially illegal reasons. Even if the OP is just handling the money part, I would be very wary of getting caught and being associated with prostitution. Although, an implicit threat could certainly be construed as implicit blackmail.

I would encourage the OP to go to HR no matter what else she decides to do. I was wondering about that, too. I have too much else to work on here. There does not have to be a threat. OP could say this in a tired and dejected voice. It would sound benign as far as threats are concerned. If she is tired and feeling overwhelmed, that is separate from anything else that is going on. I just wanna know, OP, how do you have time to do your job?

This guy and his women have to be full time work. That is what gives an employee leverage in negotiating. Any employee can ask for anything knowing that the chance for fulfillment of her request depends on how much leverage she has in that regard. Instead of keeping the OP out of the fray, it pulls her in. Saying that she should remind him is probably a step too far; I mostly meant to give a confidence boost to embolden her to make the request to keep her out of it, because ultimately she does have the power in the situation.

I would think maybe it does. I realize your boss has involved you in this unwillingly, but getting involved in his marriage is something else entirely. I agree with the caveat of when you find a new job, LW — you should tell his wife. The thing is that she IS involved in his marriage, whether she likes it or not.

We know the wife has had heart surgery. If OP blows up the marriage, the wife could wind up destitute and no way really to support herself and their children if any. And look at the statistics of how many men eventually stop paying child support. If she poisons the relationship with her sleazebag boss, she may lose any chance of getting a good reference from him in the future. That could be an important thing to take into account. OP was dragged into it without her consent. OP could lose their job based on how the company finds out and they eventually will.

That changes the dynamics considerably. Dude, I said as much already. I feel like this comment was pretty clearly addressing whether OP should tell the wife.

You might need to think a couple of steps ahead, though — telling the wife may not stop the behaviour. It sounded like OP would like the behaviour to stop and her tasks in the office related to it to disappear. Telling the wife as a route to achieving this may not work. If the ultimate goal is for this nonsense to stop, that requires a different approach rather than telling the wife. Making it stop is probably going to require consequences outside of the marriage.

This sounds like behavior that has been going on for a long time. God forbid the wife get the news and her heart give out or she have such a severe reaction that she needs to go back to the hospital. Nobody really knows what goes on in a marriage except the participants. The only case where I could see telling the wife is if she asks. Then you know that she wants to know. If she has serious health issues, she may not. Or is chalking any distance up to the stress of her condition.

One other thing to consider … if she has serious health problems, now may not be the time to end their marriage simply because of the medical insurance.

When they finally did divorce, and this friend told her mom that she always knew, her mother was absolutely mortified and devastated. She really thought this was the best thing to do for her kids and though this would make them happy. Whether or not it was the good for the kids — who knows — but it was a decision she was actively making. Regardless of whether she knows or just strongly suspects, this is not a good time to be rocking the boat, especially with regard to the health insurance issue.

A while a go there was a major scandal with a Rabbi who was atrociously abusing his position and doing stuff that, in some ways, makes this guy look good. When the news broke, there was a lot of finger pointing at his wife.

It was really awful. And I totally believe her that she had no clue. Stay out of their business and their marriage — seriously. I second everything the Scientist says, but would also add: Many years ago, when I was still young and naive, I was in a similar position with a boss, though not quite as deeply.

Disabled wife, marriage in name only, blah, blah, blah… I had no idea whether he was telling the truth or not. I did not out him to his wife. There was no way that was going to end positively for me. They are still together and well into their 90s now. Although the sleeze factor is high, if it were I, I would not push back at this late date. He has enough on you for helping to alter his expense reports and other activities on the company time and dime that he can throw you so far under the bus that there is no recovery.

All pushing back is going to do is probably get you fired and definitely get you a bad reference from this boss. Get out now while you can still get a good reference and find another place to work where you are not asked to compromise your morals. If he retaliates, go to HR or his manager with documented incidents if possible. And yes, be ready to find work elsewhere. A Sales VP I used to work with used to conduct affairs on the road and with members of his own team.

One of his jilted staff called the wife and told her. Wife called the CEO and had a nervous breakdown via phone. Wife forgave husband, the husband was promoted to SVP and the staff member who told was fired. Wife now travels with husband on all company trips AND the company pays her way.

Also right after heart surgery is probably not the ideal time to hear this news not that there is an ideal time. Yeah I guess I agree. No sense putting your career at any further risk for this guy. Maybe someone did tell her and she is just biding her time before she pounces. Or maybe keeping the peace just lets them both live affluent, comfortable lives, living companionably together and pursuing their own interests and partners.

Her being forced to confront what denial and comfort have plastered over could destroy her life. You just never know. How many people in history can we name that have done this? Marriage is whatever two people agree to. I knew of a couple that married for companionship.

Wife ended up more lonely than if she stayed on her own. That was because husband was dying and he would not tell her.

I actually wondered if her showing up for a surprise lunch might have been her trying to catch him out. They got off on it? If he wants tacitly accepted affairs he can arrange them on his own time and not literally bring them to work. Eh arguably, the husband has violated all of this first by involving his assistant in his sex life.

He has her booking hourly motel rooms, FFS, and it looks like his revolving door of mistresses visit him in the office for sex, too. Hmm, not sure if you meant to reply to me? I agree that the boss has been awful and violating of the assistant, regardless of what his actual relationship circumstances are. My message in no way was meant to imply that the behavior is okay or reasonable, regardless of if the relationship is open.

And regarding the make him squirm comment, all I meant was that the surprise visit may not have been unplanned. Maybe she had suspicions and wanted to see how it played out — what would he do.

Imsges: wife dating boss

wife dating boss

But as Alison pointed out, there are a lot of people in the second category.

wife dating boss

I work for the state and they have strict deadlines about it My supervisor is over a small department of 20 in the corporate world she would be considered a low level manager. One time, his wife showed up for a surprise visit to take him out to lunch, and he directed me to lie that the woman who was in his office was there for a job interview.

wife dating boss

Well, I might have gotten the wrong takeaway from that but I got the impression that the boss had put the massage parlor tab on his company card, and what he wanted the Dating sites uk colchester to do was go back, ask them to refund the money to the card and accept cash instead. Olivia Colman reveals she's having elocution lessons to perfect the Queen's accent as she prepares for The Crown Being careful with her bundle of wife dating boss Mr Mortimer's demise wife dating boss an unsavoury end to an illustrious lifelong career in motor racing. Being forthright about not participating has the implicit threat that you know things that would hurt him wife dating boss so if you only want to be removed from having to deal this is the way to go. That means no more covering for the boss.