But now I realize that I do the same exact thing over something that was less traumatic than what they went through. I bit my ex once. Did it justify her behavior? You did not do this on purpose or with any thought whatsoever. Moment Miami's ton 'Instant Bridge' collapsed during 'stress test', killing at least six as rescuers say they do not expect to find more survivors under walkway designed to last YEARS 'Beast of Rupperswil' who raped a year-old boy before killing him and slitting the throats of his mother, brother and brother's girlfriend is sentenced to life in prison EXCLUSIVE - He's got a cheap ticket to ride! Siblings also push each other down, have wrestling matches, and hold each other down to rough house.
my intern told a horribly offensive joke at a meeting with other companies
I hope yours does, and includes mental health benefits. It belongs in the bin, on fire. I got in trouble, he did not. You sound like a really great person. But if you physically assault someone, people sometimes react. HIV, Hep I forget which, or maybe all?
Find and nurture the decent ones in your office, if they exist. If not, gather Team You to give you increased support. Sending good thoughts as you continue your journey out of that place and toward your next, much improved workplace. The first thing I did was went to counseling through my EAP. The other thing I would suggest is to find ways to maximize your relaxation.
This is not the time to suffer through. Find things that relax you and make them a priority in your life. Thank you for recommending counseling. The OP is going to need support to de-warp her expectations of work. Do you not view blocking her way and swearing at her to be threatening? Threatening is the wrong word for his pre-bite behavior.
The best option would be what Alison says: While biting is not the response I assume I would have in that situation, I can see how your sense of normalcy would go away, and how frustrating it must be to feel and apparently be so powerless.
I think we may just have different camps here. She can walk away. My response would not be to bite him but to me this is objectively threatening. There may be a bit of a cultural difference here, judging by your spelling. Most people default to polite, conciliatory, pro social behaviour because it makes life easier. Standing in a doorway is not inherently threatening. But worked in places where people would tease each other. Plenty of people curse at work. But biting someone is SO over the line into physical assault.
The coworker had not assaulted anyone before this. People can be jerks. That does NOT mean you can assault them. People can be terrible. If someone is standing in a doorway, you walk away. Not trying to justify the biting, or linking it to relationships. More, man on a train type stuff. Not against me personally, but witnessing it gives you a keen sense of when to absent yourself. So I get there are different experiences, but there is no reason to think that this man would have instigated violence.
There was no history of that. However the OP instigated physically abusive behavior. But this is a coworker who has a history of being an intimidating jerk — but not a violent intimidating jerk. So here he was, being a jerk again, as he has been for a while now. So he was hostile and trying to intimidate, sure. I think this sums it up really well. But he was, to a degree, making it clear he was the one in a position of power through his body and spoken language…as other have said, more bullying than threatening.
One instance of his jerkitude, to one of these people, could be enough to get him thrashed. This bite happened because of a long stream of incidents. I am saying that OP understands she did something so very far out of character that she knows she has a big problem here. The proof is she wrote Alison for help. Would it have been threatening if he was standing in front of a cupboard that had supplies she needed to use?
If someone blocks a door like that and the person inside seems to agree, you could just walk away and come back later. Or walk away and call the person from your desk. Or say, screw the meeting. Or ask your boss if you can make whatever decisions without the input of the person in the office. Or just vent to someone about what a jerk the coworker is. And biting definitely trumps someone using a curse word, which is all the guy had done at that point, so….
The OP has to end it. Before workplace violence starts feeling normal. How did he do that, though? We are seeing things through her lens. Yes, he should apologize. The shove I can see as defensive. He was assaulted in the workplace and his behaviour, however inappropriate, was in reaction to that. He might have been shocked by it and taken a few seconds to react. A perfectly normal reaction to someone assaulting you, fight or flight instincts take over.
Is there a colleague that you could confide in while working to get out of there? When I was dealing with a toxic job, having one person who was sensible to vent to made a huge difference. And I know they clash. So the entire office basically lives in fear of him while also trying to cozy up. There must be some kind of blackmail or maybe she is afraid his behavior will get worse if she fires him? Please, get out of there! Why do people always jump to assumptions of blackmail in these situations?
Get out of there. Okay, your boss is also seriously messed up. The reason your coworker feels like he can treat people this way is because your boss lets him treat HER this way.
You really, really, really need to leave this job. Others have said it, but just know: I was in a bad, bad workplace that really messed with my head. That lit a fire under me and luckily I found a much better job soon after. Just get a job? The situation is likely to get worse. Do not complain to anyone at work! Keep quiet, get out. To which I can only respond: Is your office literally a grade school playground? I mean yeah, you bit him, but still. Anyways, this dude is behaving like a demon child.
I used to bite people, when my age was in the single digits. So treat him not just as a Neptunian, but a child from Neptune. I meant to say, I used to bite people when I was being bullied as a child. People preventing me from leaving or entering rooms was a common bullying tactic, and because I was young and felt cornered, I used to bite like a wild animal. So I understand where the instinct comes from. But the LW was not cornered and is not a child. She was blocked from getting into a conference room—not from escape.
A light bite over clothing that he probably barely felt does not justify shoving someone and then attempting to turn their feet to mush. They may not have been cornered in the sense of being trapped in a space, but a toxic job will leave you feeling pretty cornered nevertheless. Yeah — I have similar concerns. When I first told my friends what happened, I was so horrified, but they cast the blame absolutely and immediately away from me.
I made an insane choice. I think you can do both, and I hope you find a great new job very soon. Banking off of fposte: We generally raise or lower ourselves to the standards of those we hang with.
This is why some parents nag their kids about who they hang out with. But this rule carries on into adulthood, too. There is nothing wrong with wanting to lift others up and expecting others to lift us up. Change your expectations, OP, and change your life. Expect others around you to help you to grow and do the same for them yourself. The brain can take a second to catch up to it because it is usually not expected. But biting an asshole gives even an asshole the moral high ground—yet another reason not to do it.
I think this is being treated differently because the OP seems to be not only remorseful, but the victim of a campaign of abuse and physical intimidation, after having been subject to that in her previous job, too. This kind of chronic, constant state of fight-or-flight can definitely lead to someone snapping and making a poor, overly aggressive move when they feel they have an opening to counter the abuse. And seconding Paul that you should never assume that you are the only one allowed to escalate.
Yes yes yes yes yes. I feel though that people are also minimising his behaviour. Physically blocking someone from entering a room, while swearing at them, is threatening behaviour. But in a normal, functional workplace it would warrant firing, and in any other walk of life it would be completely unacceptable. Turtle Candle — Totally agreed, and it was one of my big frustrations with the infamous bird phobia letter.
Not every situation has a right side and a wrong side. Men are generally taught to shut. Frankly I prefer our system. Maybe this is part of the problem LBK. Having been the nerdy kid in the scenario for more or less my whole school career until college and having a brother who loved to push my buttons constantly, I never felt particularly frightened, just annoyed. On rare occasion I did have a violent reaction, but again, out of frustration, not fear, the way you get mad and throw the controller when you keep dying in a video game.
But to each their own, I guess. But often in school, the blocking is accompanied by a threat of physical harm, or previous instances of physical harm. In no realm or circumstance would her actions be considered okay. She should know that what she did was completely wrong because it allows her to see just how damaging this workplace has been to her. Stop minimizing her bad behavior just because he also engaged in bad behavior. She was prevented from entering a room.
Yeah, biting someone is weird. How much damage could possibly have been done? LW did something weird and wrong and uncomfortable. The coworker on the other hand, tried to cause major physical damage and is someone I would be terrified of. There is a difference in severity there that is worth pointing out. The OP assaulted somebody, and she did it in a way that is hugely over the line in any reasonable workplace and would have gotten her fired from both.
She seems like an otherwise nice person who is in a bad situation and had the sense to realize this was an indicator she needs help. But this was a really bad thing to do.
See, what worries me is that people are normalizing what is clearly abuse as just someone being a jackass. People who are abused do terrible things. They realize these things are terrible. The letter makes it clear the guy is a huge asshole. Which, again, is miles outside of any professional norms. But the bully has kept the whole office far outside of professional norms for a long time now, and assessing his reactions outside of that context — say, by imagining how we non-bullies would respond to being bit — puts too much weight on the OP.
It was appallingly wrong. But, I have a lot of sympathy for a victim who snaps, and none at all for a bully whose taunting brought out a wild reaction. OP, I think you have received plenty of good advice.
Run, do not walk, away from this place. Your letter makes clear you know this was a wild-thing reaction to the situation. While wild-thing-you was inappropriate for the office, I also think she is looking out foe you, and her appearance should be a crystal clear sign that the situation has escalated to the point that your instinctive defenses are kicking in.
That is bad, and dangerous. Heed the danger signs. I just wanted to add that, no, not all places hold this level or even type of dysfunction. Bullying behavior is frowned upon and often actively squashed. You might consider asking in the work open thread about what signs to look for during an interview, since your last two workplaces have held so much dysfunction at the top, and it can be hard to recognize healthy from that peespective.
How are you defining physical force? This is why it can be so hard to prove bullying or domestic violence. One stand alone incident does not tell us that much. OP, my wise friend had a piece of advice for situations like this. Wise Friend said we should check ourselves to make sure we are matching what is coming at us.
So I will do the same. One side of this I really appreciate is that there is recognition for those rare times when we may have to defend ourselves. This bit of wisdom does not pretend those times do not ever happen. He screams at other people in the office. He picks fights with people. He uses his body to dominate physical space. He routinely blocks her out of conference rooms — i. This all sounds hellish, and yes, it sounds abusive. In a relationship, she could get for-fault divorce.
If he were a random person, she could have a restraining order against him. I will say, again, biting was not the solution. But if you feel trapped, and powerless and see-red angry, her reaction is completely understandable, if not acceptable.
In context I assume physical slugging matches. Cursing and doorway blocking do not an abuser make. The follow-up comment does add a bit more color and clarity though. Constantly living in fear does make me lean a bit more in that direction. You can seriously screw someone up with teeth. You asked how much damage could possibly have been done.
As someone who has been bitten by an adult when I was a child, I can say from experience that it is shocking and painful even when bitten lightly. OP, your workplace compares poorly with a grade school playground….
Yes, get out, and meanwhile watch the strange alien children and try not to get caught up in their behavior. But I totally believe it. The industry I was in for 12 years has a lot of dysfunction. Every place, except one, had physical fights or theft and blatant lying to managers about colleagues. I work at a bank. Years ago, a teller supervisor and her direct report got into it in the back room and they basically hit and choked each other.
They were both fired the same day. I have no way of knowing if the letters people submit or real or not. But yeah, debating whether a letter is real or fake is a pretty crappy experience for letter-writers. Also from the commenting rules:.
If you want a steady supply of interesting letters to read here, people need to be willing to write in and expose themselves to public critique. Treating them kindly makes that far more likely to happen. I would really, really love to hear some of these stories. Please tell us some in the open thread on Friday! He was a class act. Decades ago I worked at the front desk of a medical office. There were several patient rooms, and one particularly busy day when the doctor thought he was done for the morning, one of the nurses realized there was still a patient in one of the rooms.
The doctor had forgotten her. No one wanted to tell him he was a horrible person , and ultimately I got the short stick. Z is still in room 4. I dodged and it struck the doorframe right where my head had been, with enough force to knock the frame of the door loose from the wall and put a hole in the plaster.
Leaving aside the very valid question of the commenter rules … Mes must be lucky to have always worked in very functional, staid environments, because here are three things I have known to happen in workplaces where I was employed:. But the tradition has been extended outside its original context. So if I found the head of a strange horse in my bed—or on my desk, or in the sink—I would know that someone was threatening me.
Must be someone lost it. I will ask around and see if I can find the owner. What were they made of? What did the reps say? How did she behave? And, again, what the hell?! She was a witch putting curses on people. Please put that in the open thread on Friday! The OP is in the comments and her story is consistent. I can see this happening in a few workplaces. An outlier to be sure, but not impossible. Regardless, I really like the Neptune example. I know some of the similar situations mentioned in the thread are helpful to me.
Good luck getting out of there and getting some perspective on a normal workplace. I feel the need to repeat this, when a workplace [or anything] turns us into someone we are not, that is a super huge warning to get out. This is good life advice, too. It covers relationships, residences, or whatever maybe the negative box of crap this pushing us in the wrong direction.
Heed the warning and get out. I like the Neptune idea too. Maybe the boss needs to find a different personality core, or replace him with a potato?
On top of this he is not any old fox, rather he is a Jekyll and Hyde fox…. If this company owner does not end up in jail it will be a miracle. There is only one way I would need an employee like this, and that would be because I am dirtier than him.
Create a time machine and job search yesterday. This employment situation is toxic. It will not improve. It will never improve. There is no way for this situation to improve.
There is no pathway to correct this in a professional capacity if you are scared of HR slicing you with coffee cup shards. I have worked in a role where two colleagues were at odds. They had an incompetent manager who was willing to let a lot of things slide, like keeping B around solely to antagonize A when A retired, B was fired within two months , writing good reviews of B so the union that governed us all would not allow B to be fired because that is a lawsuit waiting to happen, and actively discriminating against A for being a very competent woman in a wildly male industry.
I wish I could remember the specifics of the incident, but I know it was really minor — something like assigning an easy project to me and another newbie so we could get more hours, and B, who liked projects he could coast on, was angry to not get the project. And yet, there was no discipline for assaulting a colleague. Please get out and get counseling. Biting instinctually is a far worse sign than AAM may realize. The fact that this office has driven you to bite instinctually says everything about how much it has screwed with your head.
You reacted like a caged animal. You did not do this on purpose or with any thought whatsoever. That should terrify you. Particularly since there are no other markers in your letter that there is something else going on with you.
Immediately and seriously toxic. Also, this incident may be forgiven, but you should probably also talk to a lawyer right now. In my state, biting is taken very seriously and is often prosecuted.
Just get the hell out and start temping or waiting tables or something. Enormous sympathies for getting warped by a dysfunctional office, and I hope that you do not feel the need to bite coworkers in your next office.
But by all means, start lining up someone who can give you a decent reference, and start looking right now. Five years is perfect for your resume. Does he seemed embarrassed about his own behavior?
Nopetopus to this idea. OP does not want to entangle herself further, and if this is that stark a personality change I doubt a polite question or two is going to change anything. I had thought maybe the manager or someone who is still friendly with the the coworker but a rational person.
Tge OP wrote in a follow up comment: The environment was great when I was hired, but over the four years I worked there things just spiraled into this horrible, zoo-like environment where managers openly called female employees the c-word in front of the whole office and I had to start secretly collecting and throwing away Nerf darts after getting caught in the crossfire of some jackass coworkers multiple times while trying to do things like talk to clients on the phone.
I compare it to having a gas leak in the office. Blocking the doorway and being a jerk is unprofessional, and should not be tolerated among co-workers and peers in the first place. That there is a history of this, and it has escalated to violence on both sides, is unconscionable. OP, I think you should fire yourself from this job.
You bit a dude then went on with your day. Taking a bunch of sick days then quitting on short notice is not less professional than that. Call in sick and job hunt all day. Go back for like a day next week then get sick again.
Hand in your notice. Borrow money from your family. Open a credit card and put your rent on it. Get out, get out, get out. Get up and leave right now. You have the stomach flu.
The note might let her use all her sick days and then possibly short term disability while she job hunts. So, one question I have is whether violent behavior, particularly as a reaction in this type of scenario, is at all a pattern for the OP. I can control acting out physically now, but if it is an issue you have, you may need to get help with that, in addition to the other advice to get a new job. Some short-term therapy, if you have access to it, could be a good way to have someone remind you of what is normal, help you develop coping strategies, and listen to you vent.
Otherwise, pursue exercise, art, happy hours with friends, whatever makes your out-of-work life rich and relaxing. No matter how awful your workplace is, biting people is still a hugely extreme reaction. The OP also mentions upthread that the office manager handles the HR paperwork. Because of course he does.
Seriously, calling this place a zoo is offensive to zoos. Calling it Arkham is offensive to criminal sociopaths. EAP may not be in place, but there are probably other programs, not affiliated with her workplace, that may be a good resource.
Triple cosign on the therapy. I was stuck once before and I always say therapy was like a massage in my brain. It really gave me the tools to cope in a way that nothing else did. Sending you empathy and strength, and also very strong GTFO vibes. You are NOT helpless here.
You are an adult and, assuming you are in the US, you could walk out today and no one could do anything about it except give you a bad reference. That may not be your best path forward, but understand that you DO have choices. If you do not have any savings, start looking for a job, very actively. Your framing is a bit alarming. The fact that you realize that this was nuts is a good sign, but you need some help in developing tools to deal with craziness, and getting your expectations re-calibrated.
Yes, do talk to a counselor at least a few times! They are literal professionals at giving perspective and a safe place for you to vent. That deescalates the situation when someone else is behaving in an aggressive or glassbowly manner. Seconding on the counseling. It sounds like after two dysfunctional offices OP could really use a third party perspective on normal versus unusual behavior. Counseling could also help to transform self-blame into constructive paths moving forward.
I really wish you all the best. Reading your account was hard because I could see myself acting in a similar way. Above the age of 5, this is very rare, and very serious behavior. PS — Not a psychologist, but a lawyer who has done a lot of divorce, child abuse, and domestic violence work. It could be percent environmental. I can only say from experience that biting is always, always taken seriously in my state.
Putting her in the hospital? That is downright bizarre. What on earth state are you in that does not take beating someone until they need hospitalization as seriously as a bite?
While I think that this is a situation that truly justifies walking off the job without something else lined up, I understand why the OP might not feel able to do that. But an exit strategy with a defined, and not too long, time line is crucial.
I am also intrigued because I can vividly remember as a child the powerful urge to bite when I got mad. This happened for me when I was in a toxic job early in my career. It really changed my thinking of myself as a screwed-up, low-value person, and it made a huge difference for me in boosting my confidence. I once bit a boyfriend…hard…on the cheek, and on purpose. I was instantly horrified and played it off like I was just fooling around but I was angry to the point of mania and had no other acceptable to him ways of showing it.
I had been in a horrible, dysfunctional relationship with an active alcoholic that had just reached the point of emotional and psychological abuse in the previous months and I was literally being driven out of my mind. But suffice to say I was shaken to the core and left him less than a month later.
I hate the person he turned me into or that I was around him: OP, please find a way out. Abusive and toxic relationships, including work, can mess you up forever. I still live with the shame of that moment. Do you know why toddlers bite?
There are usually two reasons. First, most toddlers start biting because they are frustrated. They want the toy, or to be left alone and do not have the words to express that desire and so they bite. The second type comes later when an older toddler tries to use their words but their words are being ignored. You just let this coworker regress you to a frustrated toddler! Get out and find somewhere where your coworkers will be adults.
My first marriage was incredibly emotionally abusive and escalated to periods of physical abuse. At some point you feel utterly trapped and you just want it all to stop-the yelling, the manipulation, the abuse, the violence. After awhile I learned to respond by hitting back or shouting back or breaking things back too.
It still makes me ashamed and it took a long time to get out of that situation. I have had a similar experience. I have never before or since acted out violently except for one time when my abusive girlfriend would not stop walking out onto the highway to show me how mad she was at me and I socked her in the stomach, really hard. I stayed with her for a while after that, somehow, and never did anything like that again even though her violence got worse.
I bit my ex once. Suffice it to say he was messing with me and his hand was on my face and I bit him. I felt how you describe, the proof is in the anon, because I just had nowhere to go.
I was 27 at the time. But I was being held down and I was scared and I was angry and I bit him. Abnormal situations jack up perspective. It took me a year to stop asking permission to get up and go to the bathroom. I also think biting is more likely in situations where one person is smaller than the other—the last time I bit someone was in college.
This pair of asshole guys thought it was funny to surprise petite women from behind and pick them up off the ground. It seemed like the only thing I could do at the time. There was a girl at my church when I was in high school that was overly aggressive from time to time. Not enough to break skin, but enough to startle her and make her back the eff off.
What OP did was all kinds of not okay, but she should take it as a sign that this environment is messing her up big time and get the hell out.
Bites happen when there are no other options available. The sooner you figure out options the better off you are. Perhaps there is someone you can move in with if you expect a prolonged period of unemployment. Figure out your worst case scenario, make a plan for worst case, and then get out of this job.
Obviously, you need to get out of that situation by finding a new job as quickly as possible, but that is only part of the solution here. Ultimately, this is about you, your reactions, and your wellbeing. Among other things a therapist can help you with this is the major chunk of what I did in therapy is to look at situations that are abnormal or keep going in a direction that leaves you upset and find other ways to react to them.
I like pragmatic points. Escalating to violence almost never makes things better and can make them worse to the tune of deadly. If we are punching someone we have waited too long to state our boundaries. OP, it sounds like you are very good at getting along with difficult people. I am going by your comments, not by the original letter.
How are you at setting limits with people? Your old boss told you to go kill yourself? OP, work on your NO, please. Your NO needs to be buoyed up. You sound like a really great person. You can get a better job than this. But for future — when someone is being this kind of a jerk? The only way to deal with it is to make it his problem in as professional a way as you can. Jane, please let me know when you might be able to reschedule.
Making it his problem in a professional sense. If her perspective is so skewed right now that her subconscious led her to bite someone, then she may have other strange responses that have become habit from working in this place.
I look considerably younger than I am. Not in a mean way: You need help dealing with this horribly dysfunctional place until you have a new job, with understanding why you have stayed there so,long, stuck in this awful situation and with processing your own incredibly bizarre behavior.
If you take this as a HUGE red alert that your life has gotten out of control and react appropriately, this can end up being the catalyst for necessary change. You need to treat this as a dire, all hands on deck, red alert situation because it is. There are thousands of horror stories about people like this. And there are just as many stories of unemployed people begging for a job, a chance, an opportunity.
Why do we reward such awful behavior and punish those in so much need? The bullies have no shame and will always toot their own horns to make themselves look more valuable than they are so they move up the ladder, while gleefully humiliating anyone who gets in their way.
Yes, biting is weird and aggressive, but he launched a full-scale physical assault. I would say a good percentage of the office saw the whole thing. I heard the next day that there was some sympathy on his side as he pricked his finger on one of the shards. Which is odd because he does angry-gossip almost constantly. That really speaks to how messed up your office was. People are more upset about the broken mug, a mug that was broken because of his own behavior, than either of your actions.
I wonder if this was a bit of a wake-up call for him, as well. Okay — just throwing this out there, not as an excuse, but maybe a partial explanation: My partner has T1 and when their blood glucose gets really low 40ss they can sometimes get very nasty, mean, confused, etc. I now recognize that as a sign their sugar might be low, but the first few times it happened it was quite alarming.
I can be a different person when hungry, like the Snickers commercials say. On the other hand, if the guy is knowingly diabetic, he should have some sort of stopgates in place in order to prevent blood sugar dropping from being so wicked. I grew up with a mother who was T1 and we had stopgates for her if her blood sugar dropped. If mommy was acting funny, you make sure to get her candy or orange juice because she was having an insulin reaction what they used to call low blood sugar.
Not really an explanation. Diabetics know that they need to keep a source of sugar handy. Yes, ideally people with diabetes always have something on hand to correct low blood glucose.
But we know that this guy is not reasonable. I married into a family of diabetics. Oh man, they could get snippy. I mean snippy where witnesses would walk out of the room. And once the blood sugar came back up, everything was fine, like nothing happened. But hurtful things got said and it was all okay because they were in low blood sugar. The snippy remarks hurt people and it permanently damages relationships.
Remember — this is not normal. For them or for you. You have to go, now. For your own sake. Including where a coworker threatened to bring in a weapon and take out a few of us to phrase it mildly. And the boss did nothing but say she was stressed.
Apply to as many places as possible and think about when you took the job. Were there warning signs during the hiring process? I have a coworker whom the office manager reminds me of. I know this is wrong, and that you reacted out of frustration. Your professionalism has been strained to the limits but someone who has no concept of it. But I am living vicariously through you and imaging biting some of my coworkers so thank you. This place sounds hellish. As other commenters suggest, get out ASAP for your own mental — and, apparently, physical — safety.
It was NOT normal. You assaulted a man for annoying you. Yes, he was very, VERY annoying. If you have any resources whatsoever to fall back on, I would not wait to find a new job before getting out. It seems like this is your mind and health at stake. Many of us in the comments have experience with abuse, and with the way that warps your mind and causes you to lash out. Abuse victims need help and empathy more than they need to be reminded how messed up things have become.
It was petty workplace bullying. But going from being blocked from a conference room to biting someone? He routinely blocks office doorways with his body. If we really need to show our cred. I was genuinely curious, not trying to make a point. I can see a man of equivalent size to the office manager being less intimidated than a smaller woman would be. And I would expect a person who had experienced abuse separate category, I know men can be abused to understand why aggressive, abusive behaviour could be intimidating and threatening.
Sunshine, I interpreted your question as credentials-checking, to which I have a profoundly negative reaction if nothing else, it requires people to out themselves as to their axes of oppression, which they may have highly legitimate reasons to not want to do , and which I therefore—perhaps ironically? But yes, I do disagree with you that the behavior as described is sufficiently threatening to warrant biting.
It sounds like you may have a different interpretation or reading of the letter based on your experiences. Since you want credentials in order to determine if we should be taken seriously: IMO, what the office manager was doing was utter asshattery, but not abuse or physical intimidation. Said almost immediately afterward — to the first person — who asked — that I was not credentials checking. You could have checked that if you wanted to. Blocking space on purpose on an ongoing basis is considered bullying and abusive in my state courts.
I appreciate we have different points of view on this, Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, but blocking doorways is literally on abuser checklists. Siblings also push each other down, have wrestling matches, and hold each other down to rough house. Having a grown adult — a superior, no less — physically prevent a colleague from entering a conference room is absolutely physical intimidation. What exactly is intimidating about someone standing in a doorway?
LBK, I have had a much larger man stand in a doorway to block my way. The arm-at-face-level thing is definitely intimidating. She had a choice on what to do.
She could have walked away. Yet she chose to chomp down on his arm. And that was wrong. Preventing them from leaving an enclosed space, sure. He expressed it in a hostile way, but there was nothing more restrictive about it than, say, the person in the office failing to unlock the door when she knocked. Nonetheless, that absolutely does not give me any excuse to BITE someone blocking me. Violence is just not appropriate, ever.
The fact that biting even occurred to you is evidence that there is real need for counseling here. I have to disagree with that part, actually. I was on the subway once, standing near someone who was reaching out to hold on to the pole. It so happened that their arm was right around the level that my mouth would have been if I had leaned forward a bit, and I really, really wanted to bite them! That is both factually and legally wrong in my jurisdiction if this was a part of a pattern of behavior using physical blocking.
Do you think that the courts would consider her bite a justified response to her behavior? His pattern of behavior is itself problematic. Had he been blocking her from leaving instead of entering and she shoved him, different discussion. There are two issues: And I say that as someone who has been severely bullied and physically threatened and attacked. I would be less concerned, in fact, if the OP had shoved him. Biting is always considered worse than hitting a kid with a belt or even a very bad spanking.
In my state court system. On the good side of the story, OP has been consistent in her comments about her behavior in this scenario and the fact that she needs help to get herself some place better. OP has been rock solid on these points. I am optimistic for this OP. Even taken in isolation, some of these things are way over the top — I mean who screams at their boss, the owner of the company?!
And the pattern is even more concerning. But the reality is that this is NOT run of the mill. This is not normal. There ARE places where this kind of stuff does not happen! I think the tone of the letter which has the OP expressing horror at her own actions is informing the tone of the comments. Thank you for phrasing it better than I managed to. I have a hard time articulating some of this stuff. This cannot be excused and you have to hold to that so that you can truly see how unacceptable your behavior was in this situation.
You need to get out for your own sake so you can get back to normal. In particular, I read this line,. Not a sentence one gets to write a lot in everyday life That is exactly what I meant. The danger of working in toxic workplaces is that you can lose sight of how toxic they can be. I speak from experience. This feels really unnecessary to me.
And I am a not-large women who often wears thin shoes, myself. The tone of her letter did not concern me. I truly do not believe that any one who has been sympathetic to the OP believes that biting your annoying co-worker in a normal, functional or even a somewhat dysfunctional workplace is good.
But, in the context given with the amount of embarrassment and shame she has expressed, I also lean towards keeping the amount of harm she did in perspective. But that is actually kindof beside the point. Biting is very abnormal behavior in the workplace, so absent more information that indicates coworker was intentionally putting his body parts milimeter from her face to mess with her, we should not be justifying the biting as expected behavior.
If OP starts focusing on why the altercation may have actually been okay in this limited circumstance, OP may start to erode that healthy boundary unintentionally… And that could be very bad for the OP once out of this situation. OP needs to focus on how to maintain their workplace behavior compass even here so that OP has less work to do on remembering how to behave professionally once they get out.
Focusing on why abberant reactions may have been okay just here is going to hurt, not help, that effort. OMG, I need some kind of warning before I go to the page and see the title of this.
I applaud you for being so receptive to the suggestions here! You know what you did and are accepting responsibility, like an adult.
I echo the suggestions to get out ASAP, get some therapy going, and take this as an opportunity to see the job for the humongous red flag that it is. NO ONE should be acting like that. It lit a fire under me to find something else, but also helped me to mentally disconnect from the job.
I will not judge you for biting that person. I would caution you, though: This may be a joke, but I had to get a swath of test for various blood born diseases after I bit someone pretty good in a brawl back when I was 21 or HIV, Hep I forget which, or maybe all? IDK , a bunch of other crap.
The HIV test was the one that scared me the most. It worked in the moment—he kinda rolled off and left off hitting me—but holy crap the doctor mentioning that scared me as much as the pummeling did. This is completely insane. Suppose OP leaves her job and gets a job at a normal place where the only bad behavior is not refilling the copier or occasionally microwaving some fish. Ishita's first Bollywood film was Ajay Devgn's 'Drishyam'.
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Love, John and Priya Abraham ". Actor Aftab Shivdasani married his girlfriend Nin Dusanj, a brand consultant, in a private ceremony with only the immediate family in attendance.
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Imsges: secretly dating my manager
Considering a handful have even said they lost friends etc.
The year-old was hit by a 'bag full of snooker balls' what was described as a 'premeditated attack'. Maybe this is part of the problem LBK.
Not to assault someone. I am a Jewish New Yorker. Some people, who might secretly dating my manager been really upset by his horrifying comment, might transfer their anger to the LW because the craptastic intern is no longer there to take the brunt of the upset. Gauahar Khan launches her own fashion line in Mumbai. Shocking moment Egyptian engineering student, 18, is 'threatened and abused by gang of women on dating kolkata free bus'
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