I have a husband and children who have to see me in our house painting walls, deep cleaning bathrooms, changing all the pictures around on the walls! The Dancing With The Stars alum announced her engagement to Hodak with a picture of the huge proposal ring on Instagram in January I made him move out of our house immediately. But I want to tell you that there is help, there is hope, there is healing. However, and this is important, you are both very, very early in recovery. I think that each individual relationship is different.
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The terrifying moment a malfunctioning chairlift flings skiers through the air as it Its a terrible condition watching the person swing back and forth and not having much control over the situation. Menarche Menstruation Follicular phase Ovulation Luteal phase. After hospitalization, on wrong meds that made her completely psychotic, a release for 3 days and back to hospital, we are finally on the right track with Depakote. I have caught him recently doing things behind my back and even lieing to me about several different things.. My husband on the other-hand blames, does not take ownership for keeping himself well thus he uses cigarettes, drugs and alcohol to self-medicate.
Yes, she was engaging in some unhealthy behaviors stemming from the pain of my betrayals. Yes, she did some things that made my recovery more difficult. Yes she had issues before we met and those issues made it easier for me with all of mine to continue and flourish in my addiction.
However, It was only after my full disclosure and humoring her at times when she may have been wanting to know more than what I felt may have been healthy, and after her willingness to give me some space despite her fear of being hurt yet again, that we have been able to say things like her comment to me at the beginning of this post. We have not committed to remaining married but are committed to giving our marriage the best chance possible by being as open and intimate as it takes. Gallons of tears have been shed by both of us and on the flip side, we have both expressed feeling joy and intimacy like never before.
I can honestly say that the joy and intimacy are directly proportional to the degree that we both have worked and that if either of us lapses or reverts into isolation, the relationship becomes stressed. Great points have been made in this discussion from both points of view. It is clear to me that every individual is different and there are millions of combinations of assessing who should be doing what.
Thanks so much for opening this debate. I read this article and others like these with an open mind initially. I recommend listening to this interview I did with a man, his wife, and his counselor. Thank you for your article. However, I want to speak up for those of us on the other side of the fence. It can make female addicts afraid to seek out recovery communities, and their partners reluctant to join co-support groups because of the stigma.
Thanks for your comment, Sonora Hope. Yes, this an increasing problem in our society. We have a whole section on our blog about that topic, covering a broad host of issues from parenting to marriage to singleness to addiction.
One of our regular authors chiefly writes on that subject. Our last webinar focused on that subject exclusively. As you can imagine, we target each of our articles to specific audiences. Sometimes to men, sometimes to women, sometimes to counselors or pastors, sometimes to teens. We have some other articles that are directed to both genders purposefully. And another slip up from a SA can mean a couples last…. So pardon me if I feel the need to protect my life if you who feel bringing up the problem is a problem in recovery!!!!
Hey E, I hope you feel supported here to have the boundaries that you feel are appropriate in your situation. I agree with you that your safety must be paramount. I do think that as a wife, you should be able to have conversations about how his recovery is going. In fact, the inability to have those conversations would be a real red flag for me, both personally and professionally.
I think that couples often have to grow into the ability to say and hear the hard things, but it can be done. I think that as acting out escalates, then the need for detail increases as well. I have to agree I am very uncomfortable with the label of being co dependent or a co addicted. I think not being affected in some way is totally impossible but that does not make me sick.
I would think it would be quite unhealthy if I was not affected or traumatized by what I have been through. I agree, and I totally resonate with what was written in the article. In my relationship, it has felt like a game of hide and seek. In the past if I did not ask questions about what was going on or behavior it seemed there was no responsibility taken by the SA that they needed to tell me. A great deal of my trusting him again has to do with; is he being forth coming with me or am I still having to ask questions.
I am tired from asking questions. I agree that those in relationships with addicts do not want to stay stuck in trauma yes I know there are always exceptions to the rule. That is a behavior that I find unhealthy not codependent. Since a whole and healthy relationship should not be a game of hide and seek. Part of the issue I have found about being with an addict is that there is little room for the person with them to have space for feeling or emotions about how they are feeling.
Especially if they are big feelings. This is trauma that we have gone through. Trauma is not something people walk quickly. Nor is it usually something pretty or tidy if you witness it. Everyone is different I have worked with people who have endured great trauma and I guess this is why it does not sit well with me that anyone would label me.
I did not ask to be here, so I feel offended not defensive when someone labels me a somehow sick. It is like being with someone who had a heart attack. Would you say that I have now been diagnosed with some sort of heart condition? I think that each individual relationship is different.
For some, codependency is a huge problem, especially if the patterns have continued over a long period of time. Others are able to have healthy boundaries with relative ease. I think the main thing is that the person who has the problem deals with their problem. That would actually be a step away from any existing codependency, toward healthy self-care. I would expect that as the addict deals with his addiction, there should be a growing, nurturing space for your experience and emotions.
He should have a growing capacity to recognize his own failings and to make amends, as the 12 steps says. Part of making amends is making space for your experience and emotions. Does that make sense? And as to your question about heart attack. I think the theory behind codependency would work like this. Where are my boundaries? Are my boundaries healthy and adequate?
Thank you Kay for your response. Yes, I agree with you about the definition of the heart condition. That is super good. I think what I was trying to express, if we are going to use that same example. Is that the person with the heart condition like you said stays in bed and does not do the work that is healthy for them. That you are not feeding them or carrying out their bed pan but they keep up with that behavior and someone says that you must somehow been doing those things. I think what I maybe was attempting to say but not well was trying to express is that it feels hurtful to be labled.
As you can see I have an aversion to the word codependant. I feel as though it is a term that can be to easly placed upon someone. Thank you for sharing your experience of know there is progress when you see a capasity to turn toward emotion.
Yes, that totally makes sence and healthy boundies are imperitive and something I work to put in place for myself. I know certain words can become really loaded and unhelpful. The main thing is that the person with the addiction takes responsibility for it, and the other person maintains healthy boundaries—which can look so different for different people. Did I often revert to porn to escape the feelings of failure I experienced whenever my wife was unhappy?
Yes, but if that meant that I could not stop watching porn untill she stopped being unhappy then I would have been lost. The hard lesson we both learnt through the pain of my addiction was that untill such time as the individual becomes willing to let go of the other and centre on self, take responsibility for self, there can be no true life.
As long as you are labouring under the illusion that you are unhappy because of someone else you are and always will be a victim of the behaviour and percieved intent of others. And before I get my head handed to me on a platter, lets not confuse being hurt, an event, with being unhappy, a state of being. Did I hurt my wife and she me? But it is how we respond to the hurt that determines whether or not hurt becomes unhappiness, a state of being in which we believe ourselves to be powerless victims.
What those choices are will vary from person to person and cannot be imposed by another. How does the spouse of an SA move forward in this situation?! Where does the intimacy come back in? Thank you for your words and hopefully suggestions. When can I trust him again? How do we get our sex life back? Of course we want healthy choices and good behavior from our spouses!
But the emotional attentiveness is really what builds back the deep intimate trust in the marriage. So I do think that forgiveness plays a role as well. But again, trust is the foundation.
It may take time for him to do his part, and for you to heal and feel safe again sexually. And the reality is, it IS a loss for you. Sexual intimacy IS something he really is supposed to be bringing to you, and only to you. I partially disagree with the statement one person said about how there must be trust in order to have intimacy.
That might sound strange, but in my experience, once trust has been broken it takes much longer to rebuild than many other aspects of the relationship. I do agree that this must be present in order for intimacy sexual or otherwise to be present. I have just gone thought the disclosure process. This is the second time there has been countless affairs. This second time I caught him is now over 10 months ago. He went into therapy in June.
And this disclosure process just happened the other day not because the therapist were sensitive to how excruciating it was for me to continue to live with not knowing but I finally said I would not wait anymore for this process to happen. I spoke briefly with my husband today and said that one of the things I felt was that for the past 6 months he has been in therapy every time he held my hand or taken affection from me that he was being deceptive and he took something from me that he did not own.
The question I thought of was. Would my wife kiss me or hold my hand or what ever if she knew all of the details. The ability to answer that question for myself was taken from me. I talked to one of the therapists from the disclosure process today and said that them prolonging this for 6 months has done me more damage. Now I am not suppose to talk with my husband about anything he said because I have to wait who knows how long to give him my impact statement.
Does any of this sound right to you? I feel it is all keeping me in a state of trauma. Thanks for writing in. Part of a standard client bill of rights should always include the idea that you have the right to be informed, satisfied, and involved with treatment planning; you have the right of informed refusal and an expression of choice in treatment.
There are lots of different ways to treat addiction, lots of different ways that people experience recovery. If this particular method does not work for you, get out of it. Call up a counselor or two, give them the synopsis above, and see how they respond.
That is way too often about somebody loving their method more than their client. Tamara, this is awful. I wish your story was the exception to the rule, but I hear this kind of thing all too often. Your last sentence is accurate. This IS keeping you in a state of trauma. It is not okay. Partners of sex addicts should not be forced to wait several months for a clinical disclosure!
I wish I had come across this article when it first came out. February will be 2 years since I discovered that my husband had been acting out for 15 years. Besides feeling like a fool for not suspecting, I still feel in limbo because he has not given me complete disclosure on the advice of his SA sponsor.
He has been in active in SA, two meetings a week for 18 months. Not so you can control every little thing, but so that you can make informed decisions about appropriate boundaries for yourself. I do think that sometimes addicts become highly devoted to their particular system of recovery. I see this quite a bit with step models.
The system takes precedence over relationships, and in that way it can be a lot like another addiction. The recovery system has to serve the client. Sometimes I think steppers lose sight of that. You just have to watch that and see how it goes.
The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to check for someone in your area. That might give you some ideas on how other women have handled boundaries in similar circumstances. I understand where you are at. This September will be 2 years since my initial disclosure. Then I lived with 8 months of staggered disclosure. I am one that needed to know everything. Most people in my shoes went thru lie detector tests.
That I am sorry I did not. We will be married for 38 years. I am looking forward to a new marriage based on honesty and open communication. We are continuing in marriage counseling and my husband attends a weekly SAA group along with a therapist. We both want this to work. Desicrated excellent word for how we feel: My husband and I are financially unable to live separately.
Under stress, we live on separate floors. He felt overwhelmed by his compulsion for masturbation with porn. So I heard it all. I felt totally ambushed. They love their fantasies, so I heard reveries of what he thought about during our love-making not always sex ; his whore and his porn. Then he argues that I made him tell me.
Where to start… I was an addict up until Aug Then the inevitable happened, my wife found a text and my entire world as I knew it completely imploded. The gist of it was that I was seeing sex workers for 5 years.
This started after the birth of our first child and continued during our second child and subsequent stopped after my wife found the text message and took the boys out of our family home. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but if anything the past 5 months of counseling and going to Sex Addicts Anonymous SAA has taught me is that typically one becomes an addict due to a disturbing or psychological impact that has been inflicted on the individual that has never really been treated, typically during childhood.
No I am not looking for pity, that is just generally the reality. So why the response on this blog then? I made a promise to myself that when I got to my stage of being strong enough to posting a blog and a better understanding of the addiction, then I would post a blog to say that recovery is achievable. The 2nd and 3rd steps is to find a professional that can guide and support you through this process as well as going to some therapy groups like SAA.
From there the road to recovery will be long and bumpy but so much better than the alternate road which dark and lonely which only makes you feel worthless. To the partners of addicts out there, I hope you can take something away from this especially in identifying if your addict has a desire to recover and be clean again, I wish you strength and will always be amazed by your empathy.
This is never easy on the victim, the addict or potentially new partner but everyone is entitled to one chance to make amends. Hey, thank you so much for this.
We love to hear those kinds of stories! Recovery absolutely is possible. Congratulations on your 5 months of sobriety, and may you continue to find hope and healing.
It would see to me to be a partial marriage, to be uninformed about the underlying issues that may have influenced this addiction in the first place. I agree with you! Confidentiality is something the therapist has to keep. The client is free to say whatever he wants, and I think that the growing ability to be honest and vulnerable about those critical developmental issues that you mentioned is key to the emotional connection that marriage is really supposed to be about.
Early on in our relationship he told me that he had problems with intimacy and letting other people into his life, but that he was really trying ot make an effort and asked me to be patient. Recently, he told me that he is a recovering sex addict, who has been attending meetings for over a year. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Ana, I was glad to see your post, because I am in a similar situation.
I am with a man who was a sexual addict for 20 years and married and had children. He has been in full recovery for almost 6 years. He lost his marriage, but continue to do the hard work and seems to be healthy.
Not just around his addiction recovery, but in other areas as well. Does he take responsibility for himself physically eating well, exercising? Does he take responsibility for himself financially living within his means, not in debt, works an adult job like an adult should? Does he take responsibility for himself emotionally healthy relationships, good boundaries? Is he able to connect with you emotionally?
Does he notice how you are feeling? Does he listen and care about how you feel? Is he able to share his emotions with you? This is the absolute best research out there in the world today on what makes marriage work. My story is a bit different …my husband isnt just an sa…hes an a. Yet I relate a ton to whats being said! Everyone assumes you are codependent if married to an addict.
My husband and I married 15years ago. Then got a job making hardly anything. We sold our dream home to help him finish school. I was very sick pregnant with our 6th.
My heart was broken. He had also looked porn a few times. He had always been honest with me. I just couldnt believe he would do all this to me, to us! It has made it so much harder. I didnt know it was an addiction! I think this is hard enough without being labeled. Are there things that I shouldnt do? Yeah, I think codependency can be a helpful construct when we can look at ourselves and see areas where we may be caretaking to the detriment of our own sanity.
But it is often thrown onto people in blaming ways as well, as you describe. I hear that all the time from women who have had experiences like yours, and it makes me sad. Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own choices. Why is there not more talk around what a real recovery looks like. My ex husband looked so good on the outside….
As I dug deeper, he had multiple women and men and conversations that were so dark and horrible. I had to dig for everything. Then once what he thought was most if it was out…. He was ready to rebuild our lovely 25 year marriage and take care of his lovely four daughters. He told me he confided everything to his counselor, his priest, and his sponsor. I found out none of that was true after he went to prison and after I read his journals. How is that codependent?
I would still not know any of this had I not had the wisdom to realize that he was lying and covering up. That is not me not working on my side of the street. My side was clean. I was faithful and loving and ready to forgive. I was working hard to manage a household, work, keep girls from being further traumatized, and even working to learn my core issues and hurts.
Why was he not held to a recovery system that demanded full disclosre? Why are the sex addicts treated as if they really desire to change when all they desire is a return to normal so thy can then again build their little dark world?
I still am told by him that a loving wife would have been able to forgive and move forward with his healing. I am told that relapses are normal…. Like Hell they are! No one heals by further traumatizing their wife and trying to lead a double life again! Luckily my counselor is not one who said stay at all costs. He was wise and said…without true repentance and broken confession there is no hope…get out now!
He told me to see everything for what it really, really is. He said to see the facts. He told me to simply look at whether this man confessed freely and humbly…. And once I could clearly see that none of that was happening…all the addicts stories and attempts to look like recovery was happening became so clear and easy.
Half hearted recover, blaming or relapses or anything short…. Recovery language can definitely be used to manipulate and twist reality. You are amazing and strong and awesome! I love what you wrote. What an amazing person you are! You do write beautifully. I dont understand this either. He also works a facility. He workd the 12 steos. But he says to me that he is learning how to handle couples because of the things ive shared with him.
He also says that Im a special case. But I think there is way too much co-dependant talk going on. I wish you to be able to find peace. I love the way you respond to the comments!! My 73 year old sa!! This, by the way, kept him honest. He is a charming lawyer, and has a way of twisting the truth to make himself look good, and this way, I had the opportunity to present my side.
When he left the facility, I allowed him, with boundaries, to return to the marital home. He seemed dead set on recovery and was enthusiastic and willing to discuss things with me.
Yes, I am angry and hurt, and when confronted with such ridiculous advice, I get upset. He has stopped talking about his recovery, allows me to know only when his 12 step meetings and therapy sessions occur, on her advice, and things have basically fallen apart.
Certainly no therapist advised him to do this, right? I feel that his therapist and he are lining up against me…him telling her lies and her agreeing and encouraging him. I do not know what to do about this situation. I asked him to leave until he was ready, if ever, to actually work on a real recovery, which would include leaving this therapist by the way, one boundary was that he sign a waiver allowing me access to his therapist, a boundary that was mandatory by the facility, and although I have that waiver, the therapist declines to talk to me.
I am beginning to believe there is an inappropriate relationship here. I did encourage him to return to the facility, but the therapist says it is not necessary. We are paying a great deal of money to this group, since he has two hour consults… Of course, addicts lie, and this could all be untrue, but the therapist did decline to talk to me herself. I am losing my husband of 20 years, apparently aided and abetted by a cerified sex addiction therpist.
Is it possible an therapist would advise such hogwash? This is, on top of everything else, simply mindboggling. I think the best evidence of recovery is the level of emotional intimacy and trust between the two of you. You are a mature person with years of experience in dealing with this issue. You are perfectly capable of seeing the truth and making healthy decisions.
In the two weeks since I wrote this miserable comment, I have finally faced that I must let my husband go off to do whatever it is he will do, and finally, finally, five months after discovery, start on my own recovery. I spent so much time trying to manage him, and keep him on track, that I had not even looked at myself. Yes, I knew in my gut that all this was a path for him back to his addictions.
But that is his problem. Right now, I am going to work on me and find some happiness and sanity. Thank you for the website.
Thank you for taking time to write back and share this! But there is a miraculous peace about it, too. Whatever he chooses, God has got you safe and there is healing for you. On our wedding anniversary. Five or so years ago, I found a text to someone he said he enjoyed the afternoon with.
The first time around, there were tears and apologies. He said it was a one-off chance meeting with a stranger at a store. He just accepted responsibility and promised not to do it again. I went to therapy and worked really hard to trust again and let it go so we could move on.
I did all the work to heal. On the surface we have always had a great marriage. We have many accountability measures in place. I pray and pray for healing. He is happy he has admitted his addiction, and says he feels free from it.
I occasionally bring up questions and share my pain. I think he is surprised I am still hurting. What does healthy look like? We can only trust people who are trustworthy. Unfortunately, your husband has not been at all trustworthy in the past. Can he become trustworthy? So, healthy looks like him dealing with his stuff.
Probably toward another episode of acting out at some point. And trust that God has got you safe, no matter what happens in your marriage, or even if the marriage ends. Thank you so much for this article. I became so weary of asking my husband for truth and updates, I finally gave up. My husband has told me that right now he is unable to give me what I need, unable to meet my emotional and sexual desires, unable to be intimate in a relation sense not pertaining to intercourse with me….
I want recovery and healing for myself and I am seeking ways to get the help I need. Thanks again for this article. My best advice for you is to seek help for YOU, no matter what your husband chooses.
Find a personal counselor who can help you process your emotions, choose healthy boundaries, and make good choices. Find a group where other women are processing through similar issues: There are a ton of free resources here, and lots of companionship from other women who have been through this and found healing.
The good news is this: YOU can be healthy, no matter what he chooses. YOU can choose healing and hope, no matter what he does. You can make healthy choices for you. Some SA men are able to maintain an intimate non-physical relationship although they deeply struggle with being sexually monogamous.
That is my spouse. I was totally unaware of his yearly visits to prostitute; clinically described to me as a circle where he craved more and more masturbating to porn. Since age 10 he self-soothed with excessive masturbation. I had no idea what I was getting into.
I was exposed to so many STDs: Eileen — my heart breaks for the destruction that his choice has brought to your life. Are you receiving the care you need? Both physically, emotionally, and with boundaries in your marriage? I want to make sure you are cared for. Hello I love this article but my case is quite different. He had a rough past before giving his life to Christ and he is also a loner, always isolated and not social.
He never got into a relationship until we met in church. We became friends and eventually started dating. Our relationship has been a success coz we both understand each other, we trust ourselves and we barely quarrel but sex has ruined it all. Thank you for this article.
I read over it three times and cried each time. There seems to be very little understanding of how painful and traumatizing it is to be married to a sex addict. Back to the point I wish to make. What my spouse actually did was painful to bear, but the lies and secrets have been heartbreaking and soul crushing. I left him 9 months ago. He has an sa meeting he goes to once a week and a therapist who specializes in the field. Does the meeting and Dr appt but no other work.
We are almost back to him having 30 days clean. He says he loves me and wants me back home. We still see each other at least a few times a week. We spend alot of time doing family activities as we always have. The intimate part of our relationship is still great. But again, breaking point. I cannot stay in limbo anymore, waiting for him to actually commit to recovery, for his own well being, and stop working it just half assed enough to placate me.
I do bristle at being labeled co-dependent. Do I have issues myself? But I have never purposely made a choice I knew would hurt someone else. Trying to find a way to close this long winded comment. I have alot of empathy for my husband and his crap childhood, which in large part set him on the path to sex addiction. He is a good man and he loves me and our children and grandchildren.
It is probably time for me to step back and work on myself and let him figure out if he actually even wants sobriety, without pressure from me. Apologies for such a long post. I read all the subsequent posts and found comments that were poignant, offensive, helpful, insightful, inspiring, confusing etc.
Good reminder that so very many other people have people they love who are struggling with sex addiction. Definitely wasnt what I meant. I cried reading the article for exactly the opposite reason.
I felt like someone finally found the words id been searching for. Because in my experience this far?
Spouses are treated either as equally sick and responsible for the addiction or completely marginalized and labeled controlling, jealous, possessive and such. My boyfriend of 3 years is starting his second night in a homeless accommodation. We have both been married before. When we met he revealed to me he had been abused as a child.
His ex and I met up and it was a truly difficult time. Slowly I was drip fed information from his past from abuse to dysfunctional family to 2 failed marriages to prostitutes to dating websites, recent text messaging and seeking out women. Why did I not see this coming? My dad today described my past 3 years being an error of judgement and God loves me. In my head I feel I should move on.
In my heart I feel something very different. I is going to seek help from SAnon and other counselling. I hope your boyfriend is able to get the help he needs to heal from the pain of his past. All we can do is be responsible for our own choices. Hello — i have been in recovery since My first marriage ended in and got remarried in to a wonderful woman.
I did not deny my part and took full responsibility. Since then she has become contrary, argumentative and belittling. I need to take responsibility for my actions and stop those unhealthy behaviors for my own self dignity. I enjoyed reading this article which my wife sent me. When we were having trouble in March we agreed to be friends. She has now decided not to be friends. Your article talks about her being selfish amongst her anger which she is doing.
I pray for our friendship and I look forward to a healthy relationship and me managing my SA issues. Hello Daniel — Can I invite you to think about this from a different point of view? But please understand that you very publicly betrayed her, and while she may need her own counseling, her anger is justifiable, and her separation from you, even on a friendship level, may in fact be part of her own healing process. You also said that your struggles led you to acting out again; if you are not pursuing healing through professional counseling, I highly recommend it.
Daniel, I cannot see from your post how you even had full recovery before marrying again a year later to another woman and then basically, simply put acted out with a SA on your honeymoon. Imagine how her heart just dropped to the floor of the ocean and every insecurity and pain that you placed inside of her is her entire future with you til death do you part…….
It is your duty to protect all women in this area, especially this area of purity. I am going to be, quite frankly blunt and direct and believe I speak for most men and women regarding what they should say to this response and even though it might be hard for you to hear or read, it is the absolute truth. No room to sugarcoat anything…..
Keeping always the marriage bed pure and never defiling it. We each were made with feelings and emotions, personalities that need to be blossomed into something beautiful and weeded out of all flaws with one another in marriage. Our gifts and talents uplifted and encouraged bringing always admiration to and for each other in marriage.
Becoming one flesh with God in that one flesh unity…. We were made like this and anything whether we be Christian or not, if anything is not God centered, upheld in purity, honor, respect, understanding, love, sacrificial and service, hopeful, graceful, striving for the very image of Christ himself in our marriages then we all have a hole in our hearts that even though we all can cover them with masking tape, or not ever understand or seek to understand our own emotions and missing links inside ourselves, we will always have those insecurities and sufferings in our own person and in our marriages if God is not the very reason of our unions and hearts.
Your wife has every reason in the entire universe to feel like this and act like this. But, definitely she does have every right to question and be angry and any emotion she feels like because the reality of it is….. A lot of the problem in recovery of a SA is they do not address or they disregard the very ones who had to or does endure the most excruciating of all, the spouse of the one whom betrayed him or her. There should be no victims in a marriage at all.
Why is it so hard for so many to understand this? Man and woman up everyone! It might not be easy to hear or tell but this is very crucial to healing no matter what the outcome is.
If both spouses work and strive for a Godly marriage and intimacy then the results will be beautiful no matter what has taken place. If the focus is not Christ centered and is self based in any way shape or form this is voided and cannot become a beautiful, God glorifying marriage of a one flesh unity that is going to fly together for better or for worse.
It is your spouse. No matter how hard and the obstacles in the path from choices of self or others that chose and have to hang on and ride the storm. Please know that it is going to hurt, it is going to not be easy, you will fail at times to extend understanding and grace, you will be hurtful in the wrong ways, you will struggle, you will not want to endure and go on or keep up with the fight. But the most important of all is to remember each other and God!
Faithful, Hopeful and Lovingful always never fail to come together to remember this with one another. To go ride out every storm no matter how much it will destroy in and out of you and your spouse, that you paddle together. If you can make it through this with remembering this in a marriage then you can overcome anything!
Much love and God bless you all! We DO know how we feel emotionally in the relationship. We DO know whether there is real emotional trust. Does my husband turn toward me emotionally? Does he care how I feel? Is he interested in building a real relationship between us? Sex addiction, in my opinion, is not about sex.
In recovery, he should be learning to face his pain and then he should also be able to face your pain, and be present with you emotionally. But you should see signs of that happening along the way. I often find that while men receive a lot of attention in recovery, and keeping the marriage together receives a lot of attention, the trauma that wives suffer tends to go unaddressed.
Bloom for Women , which focuses on trauma-recovery for women and attachment-recovery for marriages following betrayals like porn and affairs. After 35 years, I found out my husband was a pedophile. His behavior started when he was 11 years old. I believe his father would have been a sex addict as he was a hoarder as is his brother. They have addiction in the blood line. He was a child and this took over his mind.
Being a child when this transpired, is the only sympathy I have ever had for this man. An alcoholic will choose or not choose to drink. Same with all addiction. They will all blame whom ever they can. I was blamed and he was an addict at age Already deep into a dark world when I came into the picture.
I take no blame. I hold none of his shame. Co-dependent is a blanket term that is easy for a therapist to throw out. I was not co-dependent. I was lied to. You are being lied to as well. He traveled most of the time and had 2 different identities. I have been divorced for 4 years. My former husband is now a full fledged pedophile. If this were not the case we would have no continued meetings or treatment for sexual addiction. There is no cure.
They will just move to a different addiction while sexual addiction lurks in the background ready to jump out at any moment. It might be drinking, gambling, drugs, collecting things or even GOD. They seem to live for the next acting out opportunity.
Addicts are addicts and only think of themselves. I can hide it. They are much like children in the thought process. You will never trust him nor have respect for him.
If this is the life you want then stay. If not then you should get out before he does anymore damage to you and your family. I have been engaged to a sex addict since march 0f He is a recovering porn addict. I have to learn to process the things he tells me.
It is things that cause suspicion that is the hardest for me to deal with. I have not cheated on my significant other; I am not even married. One the one hand, I suppose I could take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in the maze of confusion and torment associated with sexual addiction. But instead of feeling comforted by this fact—it only seems to compound the heart wrenching state that I current find myself.
What has happened to our humanity? Anything else only seems to further enable the bad behavior and continue to be a source of pain and heartache for everyone involved. What sort of advice would these men give to the children they have helped bring into the world.
I wish I could find some sort of comfort in participating in this sort of forum. The only thing one human has control over is how the react and respond to other human beings. You can chose love respect and kindness or the opposites. And if someone choose the opposite—the best choice is to walk away. I agree with you that the only thing we can really control is our own choices.
And yes, often the best choice is to leave a relationship when love and respect are absent. I wonder if you might appreciate the online resource, Bloom. It offers private forums that are more conversational than the forum here, PLUS numerous recovery tools for women. Through mutual friends I met a man I initially had little interest in but it progressed and I thought of him as a wonderful human being. We dated for a few years then he broke it off and I moved on. He pursued me for a long time, finally surprising me with a marriage proposal.
I laid out, once again, my history in my prior marriage and that that was a deal breaker. Less than a year later I found pictures of women on his computer, by accident. He said it was just pictures. Fast forward on 5 years into the marriage and I found graphic videos of women doing things to him. These women were threatening and I started to feel unsafe.
Intimacy is the second toughest road, beyond trust. I picture those videos with her face whenever we try to be intimate and I get nauseated. This is so hard and just the tip of the iceberg! Donna, I am so, so sorry. What a painful situation to be in.
As a therapist, my primary concern would always, always be for your safety. Furthermore, it sounds like you may have some symptoms of trauma which would be completely normal, given the circumstances. Many, many women will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. While I applaud your willingness to go to meetings and gain understanding of his issues, I would want you to focus on YOU.
Whatever he ends up choosing, YOU choose health and wholeness. Find a trauma-informed group to attend. You might also appreciate the online resource, Bloom. When do you just walk away?. I am a Christian woman who has believed God for the changes in my husband and marriage but I can no longer take his abuse and it is causing me some health issues myself. I have developed depression and even have a stress rashmall over my body dealing with the insanity that I have been dealing with..
No one knows or sees the insanity I am living in as everyone on the outside thinks my husband is so nice. Well, he is a good ACTOR as that is how he could talk so many women into affairs with him previously.
He did previously go to a Christian sex addiction live in program for seven months. All the while, I had been waiting patiently for the healing for me and our marriage to come and never did. Everything is always focused around him and his desires but he never dealt with anything that was important for me and he never made any real attempt of the things I wanted him to do to help restore healing to me and this marriage. My feelings and emotions have always been put on the back burner.
I could handle the past if he would only tell the TRUTH instead of half truths, and blatant lies and stupid mind games that are making me feel insane.
I have caught him recently doing things behind my back and even lieing to me about several different things.. After hospitalization, on wrong meds that made her completely psychotic, a release for 3 days and back to hospital, we are finally on the right track with Depakote. The mental health system in this Country is horrible! If you or someone you love is dealing with this illness, the person with bipolar disorder needs to have someone advocating for them. Even if they fight you every step of the way.
Taking and staying on meds is a must. Its been hard and no one was there with a how to guide. I will never give up and will go to every Dr. Hey Kathy, I can relate so much to your story. No doubt that we feel shame and alienation afterwards.
At least now, there are glimmers of hope. Have you found some things worth living for? Actually after 4 or 5 very devastating episodes, each time being in denial of my diagnosis. Yes, I also developed significant financial problems thriugh bad investments, over-spending, etc. I just turned 57 and although my financials are very good now due to productivity at work and less spending, please know the MONEY situation you find yourself in, whether it remains like it is, gets better or gets worse, is NOT what will give you the peace and happiness we all want for you.
You have every reason to believe you have a great future ahead of you. Bipolar is very treatable. How long did it take for you to recover?
My BF just had his first manic episode and has been in the hospital for 2 weeks, with a release date of next week. Any insight would be helpful, as I am very confused right now. I am in my manic phase as I write this and I got to say going through it without running or using any illegal substances has been tough.
I have a husband and children who have to see me in our house painting walls, deep cleaning bathrooms, changing all the pictures around on the walls! In the past when I would be in my manic phase I would run from my house to get away from all the noise in my head and around me, I had a mixture of feelings with anger being the strongest and felt like I was a liability to my family.
I would engage in sexual behavior, use illegal drugs and be gone for two weeks to a month then come back home but this time my husband asked if I can stay home and go through it with him. I take Lithium and gabapentin so to slow me down I had to up my dosage. Thank you Luann and Josh for this exchange. I am recovering from my first full-blown manic episode at age Wow, same with me. I told the counselor that I feel like I have had to learn to walk, talk, write all over again.
They gave me effexor which drove me into my first Manic Episode. I became completely overly sexual with my boss. My husband who also Bipolar but not diagnosed at the time, finds out and we almost get divorced. After 6 months, my husband convinces me and my boss to start it up agin because he wants it that way. He was on mg of Depakote at the time and then stops meds just because… He says stop, I keep going and now he is threatens me regularly.
I have not done anything in months and he constantly accuses me of having affairs. He just got back on Depakote this past Tuesday and he is still psychotic. He makes me hate him and i dont feel like I can be with him anymore.
Where did he go and will I ever get im back. My sister is 50 and is undiagnosed but has definitely been in a full blown manic state for 6 months. Her actions got her to emergency room and now a psychiatric hospital. When you are delusional and paranoid — should you correct their information? It seems to make her angrier. Does the length of time in a manic epidsode affect how long it takes to come out of it? In many ways she seems rational — and then bam she says something delusional.
When you come out of it — do you realize you were messed up? Why did many post that bipolar patient stays angry? Truly appreciate your help. Hi Liz, a loved one of mine went into Hospital last week because he had a manic episode. I noticed the same thing.
Some things he says seem rational, but his next thought might not be. Have you gotten any information since you posted this in Dec ? I would love to know. Hi Pete, It took me quite some time for my brain to process information correctly after getting the mania under control.
I hope you recover quickly and do well. I was 57 when I had my first major and very destructive manic episode. I was diagnosed correctly after the major manic episode. Working with my family and psychiatrist has made all the difference. No other major manic episodes so far! But lots of little to moderate mood swings even on medication. Take care and know that there are many people out there who understand what you are experiencing.
Several family members have been diagnosed with bipolar and most recently my son, who is I also have a son age 30 who has pervasive developmental disorder which is on the autism spectrum. I think an autism disorder is at the core because of the severe language and cognitive problems raise the stress and anxiety level significantly and then they worry what is wrong with them and what others will think.
It is very debilitating. I am thankful for medical science but it seems to me that bipolar is over-diagnosed and the core issues are overlooked, as in my son, who simply would not talk about it. I honestly think he was afraid because he saw how his older brother with the autism disorder struggled socially and academically and emotionally.
Hi Kathy and to all who are sufferers and family. My dad is a bipolar patient. He suffers from more mania episodes than depression. He becomes very irritable, offensive,short tempered and sometimes violent. It is very easy to spot his mania episode. His mood improves drastically,slpeeps about 4 hrs,smoke one cigarette after the other. He doesnt realise at all that he is having an episode and attempts to get him to his doc are problematic as he becomes confrontational.
He seems to be having more frequent relapses in a year even though he is on his meds. It takes is toll on the family as you have to continuously walk on egg shells. Is there any real help out there? Hi Kathy, I totally know what you are going through. You just described my husband. It is very difficult to cope since I too have the condition and he triggers me.
We are not together right now because of it. I am medication resistant and sounds like your dad is too so that is the reason for the relapses or rapid cycling.
I am recovering now from a manic episode and had to leave my job too stressful. When I crash and am depressed is usually when I see the fallout from mania. Real help is available but the person who has the condition has to want the help.
Self-awareness and acceptance of your condition are crucial. I know that I am going to need a few months to recover and I am giving myself that time. This is my condition and I have to manage it. My husband on the other-hand blames, does not take ownership for keeping himself well thus he uses cigarettes, drugs and alcohol to self-medicate.
So he takes an unhealthy approach and has frequent arrests and is not able to care for himself. I hope my story helps you Kathy. Pure hell for children and a wife to have to deal with, as you can imagine. He mellowed out as he got older, thankfully, even without meds so, I was able to befriend him in the weeks before he died, although he did get crazier the older he got. My dad was never diagnosed, but, he probably had a condition like mine, called: Which is a cross between schizophrenia and bipolar.
I think addictive behaviour go well with the bi-polar person — initially. In the case of pot the relief at escaping from the pressure of the external world quickly becomes overweighed by how bad you feel when you realize your functionality, memory and productivity is being hampered by the pot. Luann, you are lucky that you lived this long without suffering to the extent of severity. I got diagnosed at thirty my depression is so severe I cannot function.
Hi, a couple of weeks ago I was going through a mized episode, it culminated into a dysphoric mixed manic episode and I had to be taken to the hospital. This is my major episode I do not want another one again.
Will these symptoms last forever? Hi tcast, Sorry to hear that you are having to recover from an episode. Lack of concentration, inability to make clear decisions, inability to plan, and social anxiety are all things that stayed with me for quite some time.
The symptoms do lessen over time. Everyone is different though so what I experience will be very different from what you experience. The best way to avoid or minimize the impact of another episode is to work with your pdoc and therapist to find the right combination of strategies and medications that help you stay stable.
Best wishes to you on a speedy recovery. Hi Tim an Tcast, Your posts hit home with me. An episode of psychosis put me in the hospital after my first term in my medical program.
I was diagnosed as bipolar 1. I has lucky to have a wonderful support system. I questioned everything about my life and who I was. I had lost my trust in myself. My mood was all over the place. It became hard to validate and trust most emotions. I returned to grad school less than a year later. My brain was still a mess, my social reactions were off. I nearly had a relapse. At times I felt like dying. Anxiety would stop me from sleeping. Eventually we got the right meds and things have significantly improved.
I still question my moods. Slowly I am becoming me again. Time, great supporters, self care, self love, the right medication, a good psychiatrist, proper food and sleep. These are essential to recover. You describe the pressured feeling nicely. It is so hard to describe to the doctors. This is 5 months after a psychotic manic episode my third hospitalization. And then the racing thoughts kick in and I obsess if I will ever feel better. My thoughts become more coherent and I can start to trust myself again.
But it is a long road. I required 12 days in ICU and 5 months out of work in an out-patient setting. They tell me it will be another 6 months before my brain is fully healed. Hi Tim, Thanks for your post.
You sound like you are doing all the right things to be well again. Stay the course with your treatment. One researcher suggests that it take about a year for the brain to get back into its normal routine after an episode ends. I must be slow, because for me I could still feel some of the fog effects for a couple of years. I just had a full blown manic episode…I call it what I did on my summer vacation. I am full blown depressed right now and isolating but not in a negative way.
I really need rest right now. I had to quit my high stress job. I am very foggy and disorganized. I have little support and have to gradually dig myself out of the mess I created.
Hope you are well and all the best with your husband. My Dad had to be forcefully admitted to hospital as he is sure that nothing is wrong with him. He seems to have reached the peak of his manic episode as he is now saying he is God, then Jesus and has cures for certain deseases! He is offending people on social media, mostly family and friends and digging a really deep hole for himself. His spending spree has started and he feels he is entitled to everything he desires.
He had been refusing to take his medication as he was admitted earlier this year for 3 full weeks. He now had to be admitted to a state hospital by police escourt as his medical insurance has been exhausted. It pains to see him in this state yet he cannot accept that he needs professional help.
We go through this all the tine and its exhausting on our family. We are trying our level best to ensure he gets medical help and is in a safe enviroment but its a full time job. How do you get a person to realise on their own that they are having a manic episode, thats the challenge, does it always have to end this way?
Thanks for all the posts — this is a great resource — to be able to understand what happened to me last year to from others who have gone through a similar experience — at 43, I experienced my first ever hypomanic episode — this result in my losing my job and subsequently bringing about a changing in my accommodation situation. It has taken me quite a while to recover but am getting there slowly. Thanks for posting Dave. Hang in there — it takes time but you will recover. The more we share with each other the better.
Hi Dave, Make sure you stay on your meds. I had my first hypomanic episode and just thought that I was excited about a new job, girlfriend, or whatever else I thought was a positive experience at that time.
Naturally, depression followed the episode. And then about 2 years later I had another hypomanic episode and of course depression came back but this time worse. This is no joke. The moral of the story is this: Accept that we have a condition that needs strict attention. Anyway, good luck to you and to all that suffers from this disorder. Been on lithium four months now, had allergic reactions to seroquel and lamictal- so just Li for me!
And mood wise, its been ok- til today Had first manic episode since starting drugs, am worried. Episode fueled by distressing news, no food and massive amounts of caffeine. But enjoyed getting ideas and plans again. Debating calling doctor tomorrow, conflicted!
Anyone else ever feel this way?! Hi Kelly, I suggest that you call your doctor right away. Mania and hypomania are very seductive but you know ultimately how destructive mania can be on your relationships with family and friends. I also did not do well with Seroquel and I had a terrible reaction to Lamictal.
Glad lithium is helping. I had my first full-blown, psychotic manic episode about 3 months ago and it is very true that mania is seductive.
At the time, I thought I had unlocked some type of new productivity mechanism in my mind because of all the information I could process! I was unaware of my bipolar condition at the time. I kept pushing my mind to race faster until I collapsed on myself. I lost a girlfriend, a business partner, and almost my best friend when I was manic because of the ways I acted. Delusions are a scary thing. I hope I continue getting better- living like this is difficult right now.
Also, I had some serious trouble last night falling asleep for the first time. Get on a consistent sleep cycle people! Hi Andrew, You are on the road to stability!! Be careful about the not sleeping stuff! It can be one of the first signs of mania-especially if your mind starts racing a bit. My 25 year old daughter is suffering with a manic episode at the moment.
I am so distressed but meds Abililify and lorazapan have been increased. It does sound like she is getting care and her medications are being adjusted. It takes some time to recover from a manic episode. If you can talk with her on the phone and communicate with emails that will be a good way for you to know how she is doing. It also takes time to get the right combination of medications. The sooner a person gets help and on medications the fewer episodes they will have during their lifetime.
It also helps to keep the illness from progressing. The longer you go without treatment and the more episodes you have the worse the illness becomes over time. I hope you find a lot of support as you and your daughter travel this road together. My 19 year old son was diagnosed with bipolar 1 in early June.
He had just returned from his first year of college. He has been in the hospital for 30 days… June and June 19 until present. We had him home for a week and things went downhill very quickly.
He now on depakote, lithium, zyprexa and klonzipan sp? He is finally beginning to stabilize and might be able to come home by the end of the week. During his mania he was very forth coming and told about some of the drugs he experimented with while at college. Ambien, mushrooms and adderall during finals week. My son had not experimented with any type of drugs other than alcohol until Jan. He is an athlete and is on full scholarship at college for baseball. He is making plans to return to college in august and has said that he will go with or without our blessings.
We agree with the Dr. I would appreciate any suggestions that anyone would like to share with us. We live in Alaska and our son goes to college in Nevada…. I have considered taking time off to be with him the first semester so that I can make sure he sees his psychiatrist and takes his meds. I think he needs at least that much time to let his brain and body heal. Please let me know your thoughts. I feel for you. That is a really tough call. Each situation is different.
If he is not complying with taking his medications, then he will relapse no matter where he resides. If you have the ability and luxury to go with him for a semester that would be ideal; however, if there are negative influences around him friends taking drugs etc. I wonder if you could work with your son and his doctor s to come up with a plan for his next 12 months of recovery.
A part of that plan would include deciding when and how he returns to college. I wish you and your son all the best. Once a person realizes that they are ill, and they comply with their medication and wellness regime, they often recover and maintain a stable lifestyle for many years.
Hi, my son is 19 , he was admitted three days ago. Doctors said it was bio polar mania. My son is 24 years old and has always suffered from what I assumed was depression. He had his first horrible manic episode and was hospitalized as a result. He is now diagnosed as bi-polar.
This has put our family into crisis mode and I realize how our mental health care in this country is really lacking. Upon his release from the hospital, I took him to a private pscyh. I phoned them yesterday and they never phoned me back. Is anybody on Depakote and something else to sleep? Soo many unanswered questions. Hi Hopeful, The good thing is that your son now has an official diagnosis and he can begin to explore treatment options. It takes time to find the right medication or combination of medications that work well.
Everyone reacts so differently. I wonder why the private doc took him off Lithium and Seroquel? Seroquel is particularly sedating and will help most people sleep. I did not find Depakote sedating but that might just be me. Thanks for responding to my inquiry. The doctor gave him seroquel 50 mg. He has been smoking pot because he says it calms him down. Do some bipolar patients take anti depressants with a mood stabilizer, then if they feel that they are becoming manic, stop the anti depressant?
I just feel he is going to need more than Depakote to live a happy life. My doctor never prescribes them for his bipolar patients because all too often they induce mania. He often prescribes lamictal along with another mood stabilizer. I was raised during the hippy era and found that it only made me paranoid and hungry! Again, everyone is different. Glad your son is getting some rest and starting to feel better. One step at a time. The goal is long term stability and living a happy, healthy, and full life.
Thanks so much for your continued responses. The doctor has now increased his depakote to mg. De[akote in the morning. We have done this for a few days and now he seems to be more manic!! He sleeps maybe 4 hours and for the last two days there is about a 5 hour period during the day where he is very very wound up.
He has ringing in his ears now, which I understand is a side effect of the Depakote. Next week, I will try to get him in to see another psychiatrist for a second opinion. We are going on almost one month of mania, although not dellusional, he is still manic.
Luann, thank you for the reminders. I feel fortunate to have happened upon this site. This past year has been rough. I was first checked in the hospital last year during a manic episode, and again a month later.
It has been one year of manic-free symptoms yet I feel different. Very tough to pick up on social cues, to gather my thoughts, etc.
I feel better, yet am concerned about going back to the university I attended before my break. Also very tough to connect with people I feel like Austin Powers who lost his mojo or something…lol Any advice? Has it gotten any better? Cindy, Thanks for your post. An episode can shake your sense of self and your confidence but over time your do recover and I think become much more aware of your self and your triggers.
Kevin,What you describe sounds very familiar. Just give yourself plenty of time and find support structures at your university to help you continue on your recovery path. It does get better. Keeping your sleep, eating, exercise, study, and relaxation in a fairly fixed routine seems to help quite a few people. Hope you continue to improve as you move out of the Austin Powers mode!
I tend to have a major manic episode about every 3 or 4 years, about enough time to get settled in a job, routine and friends. My last was about 2 months ago and the same destructive pattern played out, lost all my possessions as i simply left my rent house deciding i would move to another city with no planning whatsoever.
Possessions can be replaced, but losing folks who care about you is tough. My year old brother just went through his first manic episode eary this year and lost almost everything from all his money to his job he decided to quit after he realized the lies he told and his group of friends.
He has been improving slowly but surely over the past year. My whole family including myself was so confused and helpless as to what to expect and no one really told us what to expect.
But now I know better in hindsight. My brother has decided to apologize to one of his friends recently. I told him he needs to explain bipolar to his friend but he says he feels like that is just an excuse. I understand how he feels but of course disagree. It would be an excuse if he was not committed to his recovery. So if you have any insights on what your thoughts are about the people you lost during the episode, that would be extremely helpful.
On my side, I would think that reaching out and having an honest conversation would go a long way. I found all of these responses very comforting. I recently had manic episode and the recovery process is very slow.
Doing anything seems really daunting, and my energy is exhausted very easily. It is incredibly hard to focus on anything. Hi Hana, Recovery is a slow process. The frontal lobes are trying to work again and it just takes time for them to fire on all cylinders. Give yourself time and lots of positive thoughts. Gary, I am wondering if you are taking a treatment medication consistently and if you still have major episodes while on medication. Just how long do these annoying episodes last?
None of my others have lasted this long! Hi Tanner, Glad you find this website useful. The only way I can manage my manic episodes is with Lithium. When really manic — the addons come in to play, seroquel and whatever else might be needed. I do believe that over time you learn to manage your moods before they get totally out of control.
So, I take my lithium everyday. I hope that you will soon be able to decrease your dosage and be on an amount that allows you to feel human and healthy and not like a robot. Keeping my toes and fingers crossed for you. My husband suffers from Bipolar and had a manic episode about 2 months ago. He was hospitalized for a week. This is not the first episode he has ever had, but it is the first one I have seen since I have been married to him. Unbeknownst to me, after coming home from the hospital, he quickly stopped taking some of his meds due to his frustration with weight gain and about 2 weeks ago he had another episode.
This one was less severe, hypomanic, and he was put in an outpatient program for a few days. He is now back at home and work and in a normal routine. For the most part he is acting just like himself again except for some grogginess which the dr.
However, we have had a few conversations in the last week that have concerned me. It sounds like from what I have read above that I just need to give him more time because his brain is still healing, which is encouraging to me. I am just scared and desperately want my husband back. Any advice that could be offered about how to help him through this would be helpful.
Hi LeighAnne, Patience is the best advice I can offer you. At least that is how it was for me. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I wonder if getting some help from a counselor might be useful to help you both adjust and continue to move forward in your relationship as well as come to a firm agreement about being compliant with medications?
Avoiding episodes as much as possible is key. The extra meds can be very sedating and slow down thinking processes as well. Once he is able to taper off the extra meds without fear of another immediate episode then you might see his thinking speed up a bit.
Best wishes to you and your husband. Take it as a learning experience and apply what you learn so that you can help him avoid major episodes in the future. Hello all, it is nice reading you. My friend has manic disorder and after 5 years he had his first attack 5 weeks ago.
He recently got out of the hospital and was recovering. However, two days ago, all of a sudden, he had another relapse. Any idea what causes relapses. Greetings and thanks for posting your question. If he had such a quick relapse it sounds like he may not have enough medication to ensure that he pulls out of it and stays stable longterm. I hope he is working with his doctor so that he gets through the relapse quickly.
It takes time to figure out the correct treatment so he will need to be patient and work very closely with his doctor. If you can encourage him to continue taking his medications that will help.
My brother is experiencing his first manic episode at Can anyone give me a rough timeline as to when this episode might end? The Dr has told us that my brother should be out of hospital by the 30th of December if not before and that he should also be able to continue studying at university.
I have no idea what he is going through and it is very distressing for all of us, I can only begin to imagine what he is feeling. The best advice I can give you is to listen carefully to his doctor and ask lots of questions.
The person treating him will have the best idea of how long this will last and what your brother will be able to do when he leaves the hospital. Every person with bipolar disorder is different and the way the illness expresses itself varies as well. I wish you and your brother all the best. Do lots of reading about the disorder and be prepared to give your brother lots of love and support when he gets to a point where he can accept it. I am currently recovering from an episode that began as manic and ended in a mixed episode.
He has been hospitalized 6 times, his last hospitalization lasted 60 days and he signed himself out AMA. Now 2 years later his father and I recently had to have him legally sectioned to get him to a hospital for evaluation — he has now been there for 17 days and we see little improvement. I have spent a great deal of time educating myself about the illness, learning about support groups locally and through the VA. What do you find helpful, a therapist, peer support groups?
I value your input and applaud your courage in dealing with this illness. I wish you all the very, very best. The hypo-manic state is addictive and it might help if he were to work with someone his psychiatrist, a therapist who knows bipolar disorder to get him to a point where he is more comfortable not being hypo-manic and learns to prefer another mood state. Peer support groups might be very useful. He could get to know others in similar situations and build relationships over time.
I used to go to a very well respected therapist for a few years before I was diagnosed. When I was diagnosed she refused to believe the diagnosis as she had encouraged some of my bad behaviors. So, my advice would be to be sure that your son finds a therapist who is an expert in bipolar disorder. I wish you and your son all the best and hope that others may come to this site, read your comment and offer some other ideas that you will find helpful.
My twin sister had her 1st manic episode at age 24 out of no where in August We did not know she was bi polar and was told she was suffering from psychosis.. She finally got back to her old self some and Then yet again in August She went back into mania.
She was given Depakote and Also the respirdol invega injection. She is now back into depression and believe anti psychotics are to blame.. Is it the meds or just recovering from episodes? Some people have certain times of the year that they are more prone to episodes. It may just be a coincidence for your sister.
The medications are very sedating and they do have significant side effects. I wonder if she tapered off a bit too much which led to another episode. Finding a balance in the medications and finding the right combination and dosage is hard. And learning to manage the illness takes time. Sometimes it takes several years or more. Patience is very important and having your support as a twin sister is crucial.
She is very lucky to have you. Read as much as you can about the illness and know that longterm recovery is very possible. All my best to you and your sister. You are right, some individuals may be especially sensitive to medications. I have a 22 year-old son with bipolar 1, who has experienced several manic episodes thus far. He was diagnosed at 18 years of age, and experienced his first episode in August as well, six months after graduating from high school.
There is a huge learning curve for the individual suffering from the condition as well as for their family. If you and your sister can learn as much as possible from this website and other helpful resources, how individuals manage their illness and stay stable, that will be half the battle. There are a number of strategies working together which will lead to the most stable mood over time for the one struggling to live with bipolar. I would also encourage you to explore the Truehope Nutritional supplement website.
This resource has a telephone support line with trained staff, who understand the various medications, and can offer nutritional support for those experiencing side effects. I have found this support network to be invaluable for assisting my son in his journey of dealing with medications and their side effects.
There you will also find a number of short video clips of individuals and family members sharing their experiences of how the True Hope Nutritional Support has been instrumental in assisting individuals living with various mood disorders and their families. You are certainly right that the entire family is dramatically impacted, especially since manic episodes can be so devastating and dangerous for the individual suffering from the illness. I would say that educating yourselves as a family, and encouraging your sister to be as informed as she can be about this illness, will go a long way to her managing her condition in the future.
People with bipolar do need support and encouragement from family and friends in order to have the best chance of managing their mood disorder effectively. Thank you so much for your words, She is still in the depression and doesent want to live, no part of her life is normal and dont know why this happened to her, she says that she only got to live 22 years and now she is brain damaged for life. She hasnt taken any meds for the past 4 to 5 months,The meds made her have involuntary mouth movement and to the point she would barley talk..
We are concerned she will go into a manic state again without meds but believing with enough support and with supplements and amino acids and regular exercise and counseling that she wont.
She also has alot of trouble sleeping now and also when she is in a manic episode.. I pray for everyone that has struggled and dealt with this.. I do believe there is hope and that just maybe God can completely restore her. Hi Shannon, Not taking medication for 4 or 5 months may not be the best strategy for your sister. There are a number of medications and combinations of medications that help tremendously and finding the right medication or combination can take time and patience.
The side effects can be minimized when you work with a really competent psychiatrist. If your sister is talking about not wanting to live — it is time for you and your family to intervene and get her help. Exercise, counseling, and supplements are additional treatments but not the primary treatment for bipolar disorder. It certainly sounds like she is not well right now and needs medical help. Please think about it. Wishing you and your sister all the best in her recovery. This site has been extremely helpful for me, the illness we all share is complex and tiring.
Reading all the comments and stories here really helped me gain a further understanding of manic depressive disorder. I am a 27 year old male, recently diagnosed with bipolar 1. Luckily most of my mania was around my family, who were very concerned and only wanted to help. I was hospitalized for an afternoon and then taken to an out patient mental health center. It took some strong medications to calm me down at the center and then I was on zyprexa for a number of months.
I am now taking abilify, which seems to be working, keeping me stable. Although abilify does seem to be working, it can give me some insomnia side effects which make me worried I could have another manic episode. I suffered through the depressive stage afterwards, which was incredibly tough. It did take some big life changes I used to be a chronic pot smoker and probably drank a bit too much, which may have all been triggers for my mental illness but I am starting to feel a lot better.
To others suffering with this illness, read everything you can about it. The more you know and understand, the easier I think it is to cope with it. I do not want to have another episode, and I going to do everything I can to prevent it, even if it means taking medications and dealing with the side effects.
I want my old brain back so that I can possibly go back to grad school. Ben, and all us readers, Bi-Polars and families: Forgive yourselves because no matter what you were doing before your diagnosis — if you had a mania and ended up in a hospital it means that you were going to deal with these mental health issues. After 10 years of medication I actually used pot for 9 years and it was the most productive and balanced period I had.
BUT once a mania came back even the pot did not help. To all the families who deal with this my heart goes out to us all. Well, you may see symptoms subside but the illness never goes away and it will require a lifetime of management patience and understanding. If you love someone with this illness please be there afterwards if they let you back into their life. Mental health is no different and we can all just do the best we can do. Follow a good diet and exercise program and realize that there is really nothing anyone can do to prevent a mania.
Taking pills IS necessary because it may reduce the number of episodes but eventually we must accept there is always a possibility of one coming on. Discussing the response to your episode with your family and friends is important…. Good luck and much love to us all. Blessings and Love to us all. I am glad to read all your stories. What we all suffer from is something hard to live with and only family can understand and true friends. I had my first episode 6 years back and its been scary getting back to grad school.
Always saw myself earning a phd but after the graduating top of my class and later realizing what i had was inevitable,I gave up on life. But reading all this stories and comments has given me a new lease. Thank you for this read. I am 27, lost my job, relationship due to a manic episode. They over medicated me and I am still feeling the effects. I am just wondering how long it took you to recover.
Its been two months since the mania has stopped but I still feel slow and brain dead. My husband has been in a manic episode since April and it has been absolutely horrible. He seems to be coming out of it ever so slowly. A lot of financial damage has been. I am worn out and hoping for the best.
I love him but am very worried about our future. Thank you for all the positive posts! To Mara, feeling the exact same way about my husband. He has always had episodes of depression as far as I can remember. About 6 years ago he had a mania episode that lead to him cheating and quitting his job. At that time I did not fully understand bi-polar or mania, but we got through it and it did pass.
He has not had another mania episode until about 3 or 4 weeks ago. How I could tell that he was in one was his high level of interest and energy in meeting with a couple high school girlfriends that he had on his FB page.
A week later I found out that he was having an on-line affair with one of them. Since then his doctor and I have convinced him to stop all communications with this person, but the damaging behavior manifests in other ways. He has a gambling problem and is ruining us financially. Lately he has had high levels of irritability and says he needs to leave the house or refuses to talk to me.
His doctor has lowered his anti-depressant and increased the mood stabilizer. I have two children whom I am trying to keep their lives unaffected by all of this. With hindsight I can say that having advance directive talks with the Bi-Polar person is important. This cannot be achieved just after a mania as the depressions dulls the mind too much. But somewhere along the way one must put in place with the bi-polar person a plan that they agree to when they are well, such as, You will cancel or collect the credit and depit cards, they go on a cash only basis, no solo trips to the stores or whatever ideas you need to feel safe….
Protect yourself and find a way to love this person. It is an illness like any illness and no one asked for it. But after an attempt on my own life which cost me my left leg long story and today is the one year anniversary I am debating what to do.
I was already very depressed before this and I woke up from my coma feeling worse. I lied to people as to how it happened but my immediate family knows because I left a suicide note.
Was put on the same medications I was on before the incident and to be frank I am tired of medications not only because of the side effects but I just have gotten anywhere with them. So here are the options I am considering. Ask my Psych for a new anti depressant I have gotten this answer from him multiple times try lithium try abilify try zyprexa and I say well you have already prescribed these they did not work, and then usually he will just go off topic somehow and will never try to apply a new antidepressant like an SSRI or anything besides things that failed or a new anti psychotic.
Get yet another doc which will be my 4th one but the last 3 have been in the past 2 years when the doc I had for 6 years kicked me out because I told her I was abusing my medication.
And honestly I am leaning towards option B. I know that for many people taking an antidepressant does not help, in fact it makes the situation worse. I like your A. Getting a new doc might be helpful. You are young and can have a really cool and productive life ahead of you, if you give yourself half a chance. Best wishes to you. Stay strong and start relying on others to help you when you can.
She is 25, was diagnosised at We have never had an episode like this one, which was the result of a poorly managed adjustment in medication. My question is this: After a long episode, I understand it will take a while formher thinking to clear, but is ther a possibility that she will not return to the same level of functioning as before? Hi Sam, It takes quite a while for the brain to start functioning well again. For me, after my manic episode in , it took over a year before I was able to feel confident that I was thinking as well as before.
With the right treatment and time, I have every hope that she will return to her same level of functioning. His daughter has bipolar disorder and he has lots of great info about dealing with it.
My daughter has now been in three different hospitals since this episode started in February. She was discharged from the first, to continue out-patient. Delusions have been constant, She reved back up and was admitted to a second facility.
Recommended ECT after a week, and we moved her to where she is now. She had 9 ECT treatments, and they are still working to find the right meds. Prone to manic outbursts and still delusional.
Present facility says we may need to move her someplace with more resources. Have the ECT treatments helped? I wish you and your daughter all the best. I also wish I had more options to offer. It must be very frustrating for you. Be patient and make sure that you and your daughter are working working with a health care team that you respect and trust. Thanks for checking back in. Please let me know how things progress over time for your daughter.
I hope you have a support system in place for you as well.
Imsges: recovering from dating an addict
Real help is available but the person who has the condition has to want the help. Does he listen and care about how you feel?
I went through the same ordeal with my 15 year old daughter and she was diagnosed as having mixed depression with psychotic features. How is that codependent? I would expect that as the addict deals with his addiction, there should be a growing, nurturing space for your experience and emotions.
Susan Sarandon, 71, looks hip in eyeglasses and a leather jacket as she cheers on New York Rangers Veteran actress Not Abbey with your teeth? I wont…but the mess i made is massive financially. Thanks for writing in. But he says to me recovering from dating an addict he is learning how to handle couples because of the things ive shared with recovering from dating an addict. I have been married for 10 years now and I have faced every sexual hurt everyone has gone through except for my husband he hasnt came to terms until he was in a car accident back in
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