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The best time to chat with the Filipina girls that have jobs or attend college is from 10am to 11pm. A few days later, husband fesses up the doing the nasty with mom and assumes he has said std too. By reading this, you agree that none of the experts offering information are liable for actions you or others take. When I read the letter i thought wow sounds like rape to me. You deserve a space that you control. In an open marriage you have a say on who gets let in your private circle.
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Avoiding my home as much as possible kept me sane and alive. They are essential to a healthy relationship. It is also true that if he is cheating on a wife he loves he is more self-absorbed than empathetic. Mar May 12, , However, the family values are always kept above financial and career issues.
Society is a more likely source, imo. I have seen a lot of good parents with awful children, and good kids with awful parents. CA did a great job reminding her that it takes two. This all feels like something designed to force a final decision about the breakup of the marriage.
Wise choice, at that! Especially some of the bigger subs, like relationships. I only mentioned it because I thought the advice here was so much better. I feel you on this. He got a horrible, inappropriate revenge, but she clearly left him. Maybe leaving the husband was…self-preservation? A fumbling towards happiness and safety and a place where people treat her well?
Maybe not a good or functional one? I agree with all the people who say the house of the relationship is burning. Who set it on fire? Time to get to safety. The two who were closest to you came together to figure out what was going on with you. Also if you had moved that far away from them emotionally, they might not have thought that you cared. Showing up together where you were known to be to get some kind of closure was cowardly.
They should have told you to your face separately. But people do cowardly stuff all the time when it comes to dating a best friend or a sibling. The Captain is right about still being young and having a chance at a better life and a happier you. Try to take this as a wake up call so that things can be better.
It sounds like the LW started the dysfunction. I mean, becoming an alcoholic and it sounds like because of that choosing to move out of your house to live with your lover and abandon your husband for months, well of course he found somebody else.
I have a suspicion! And he chose to pursue and develop a romantic and sexual relationship with that specific one and not mention it.
LW is also in an inappropriate relationship with alcohol. Sure they went about it wrong but LW is also not going about things perfectly? Do you have to be perfect before you get to be upset when your husband falls in love with your mom?
Nope, no one has to be perfect — no one even can be perfect. Did they have a conversation that was forgotten? Did they know where she was? Ultimately what it comes down to is: If she does NOT actually like her lifestyle with the drinking and lover, she needs to work on that before she can build healthy new relationships. I have to admit, my initial, knee-jerk reaction to the letter was vastly unsympathetic and entirely unhelpful. But having read her comments on reddit, I just feel sorry for her.
Being in an open relationship does not mean your partner has carte blanche to date literally anyone in the world. Any decent person in an open relationship would talk to their spouse before embarking on an affair with a relative or close friend of the spouse.
I mean, who does this?? Listen to the captain, not to Reddit. Things that were seismic in our family life, and also things that were said, or happened, when I thought he was sober.
And I know my attitudes and actions seemed hurtful and bewildering to my husband, because he had forgotten things that would have made sense of my behaviours.
This is absolutely true. One of the things that I think may be difficult to understand if you have not been around someone who regularly got blackout drunk or if you have not been someone who regularly got blackout drunk is how much it affects your brain.
It can do very strange things to it. It can cause you to not be able to create long-term memories of certain periods of time—periods of time where you seemed to be entirely lucid. It can also cause you to remember the words and actions of a particular interaction but to forget the emotional underpinnings. It can erase memories that had previously been indelible.
My step father was initially a positive influence in my life, and loved as a parent. As his drinking became worse, he became progressively more abusive. By the time I was a teenager it was survival mode for me. Avoiding my home as much as possible kept me sane and alive. Her Mom and Husband are being flamingly awful people, though. When I was still with my most recent ex, who was dating other people, I asked that he not date anyone in my family, on my dissertation committee, or in the class I was teaching.
There was still a world of people remaining. It gets so much worse than described here…but my point is that people really do experience soap opera worthy plot lines in their own lives. LW, I agree with CA…you need to let your marriage and your relationship with your mom go and take care of yourself! Please take care of yourself and do what you are able to change that.
Take yourself away from people who hurt you and break your trust. When you feel ready to, seek some help to reduce your dependence on alcohol. Find some means to support yourself and some supportive and nice people to surround yourself with. That you value relationships that revolve around long talks, and not spending every night in bars. Actually, to me anyway, it sounds almost as if the husband wrote this.
It feels more likely somebody out to make polyamourists seem as awful on both sides. I got the same vibe for the same reasons. The level of self-hatred and denial in this letter seem pretty consistent for someone who is in a very self-delusional phase of addiction. Before I managed to extricate myself from my shitty abusive parents I described myself in similarly awful language all the time.
That was more how I read it—suppressed anger, hatred, self-loathing. Assuming the wife did indeed write this, one small piece of advice—stop saying these things. LW, whatever is going on, you are in pain. Try to avoid negative self-talk; no need to hurt yourself more.
Granted I read a lot of dubious story ideas so am biased, but this sounds exactly like them. Oh, LW, I am so sorry, but, I think that marriage is dead. Please take care of yourself. I highly recommend living in your own space for a bit. Choose it yourself and make it yours. You deserve a space that you control. I also highly recommend a therapist to talk things over with.
Get this stuff out of your head and talk it over with a professional so the space in your head is also yours and belongs to you.
LW, a therapist is a good place to start, a healthy place to vent these feelings and start trying to find some solutions that will help you claw your way out of the pit. I wish you well, and I hope that you can build a happier and healthier life. Second on the suggestion to get your own space, LW. Not with another lover, someplace, however small, that is under your control, for you. I had exactly the opposite reaction: Not to tell you how to run your website, Cap, but LW or someone who lifted her letter and reposted it, who knows?
Thanks for the warning. I gave into curiosity and went over to Reddit. The comments are actually not that bad — I was expecting some really nasty stuff, but for the most part they were shorter, less compassionate versions of what you said, CA. The top comment when I just checked was compassionate and also advised against revenge.
But I did see the LW posting — she said that she did end up confronting her mother and husband last night? As always, thank you for your advice, CA.
I think you do a great job keeping things balanced and in perspective. When they arrive, they post these rants on every board and thread, over and over, until they get banned; every now and then they find a way back again. It was kind of a relief to find out the stories posted at length under the various handles were fabricated.
This is an hugely upsetful thing. I really hope you can get maybe some counseling? Because this is an incredibly painful thing and you need someone to talk to who is trained to help you grieve.
Please, please, please be safe and take care of yourself. And stay off Reddit, if you can. LW, please stop saying mean things about your body. I struggle with self compassion A LOT. It is so hard. You want to take better care of your body? Start by acknowledging that your body deserves being taken care of. I needed this for myself really badly.
You can come out of this! LW, please free yourself from wanting the good opinion of people who decided to be mind-blowing assholes. Granted, they were much younger right out of university and the mother had just gotten divorced, but there should pretty much never be an excuse for this.
It was awkward for a year or two all around. Once the ex-boyfriend was an ex to both, my friend and her mother have been able to rebuild their relationship. I hope you can prioritize getting away from this junkiness and getting to know yourself. Please grasp whatever time and space you can to process this. You definitely need to stop stalking them, as you called it, LW. I agree with Captain that you should just get it all out in the open.
Oh, LW, this is so messed up, the only part of this triangle you control is your side; I hope you can cleanly and openly remove yourself.
There are many ways you can do this. Good luck to you! It is, rather, a way of thinking, and continues long after you have stopped drinking.
It is a voice in the head: I certainly see it that way: I care about your continuing to live. I hope you find help. I hope it comes soon. It seems like you kind of left your marriage by degrees, or at least, shoved it to the back burner, and your husband decided to force your hand, as it were. Your marriage is over.
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You are tired of being alone? All our best wishes, Alain and Yuliya. Addie Pray May 12, , Were you sexually active with your girlfriend the daughter too? Did you hook up with the mom more than once? How old was the mom at the time?
Anon May 12, , Was sexually active with the daughter about two years later, she had been a virgin at that previous time and we had only dated a few months. We saw each other again a couple years later at a party and hooked up throughout that weekend, that was the end of that. Yes more than once with the Mom, less than five times however. She has since passed away from what I hear. She had 6 kids from 5 different people come to find out. Did I cure your curiosity? But one more question — did the daughter ever find out about you and her mom?
If she did, it never came from me. Sunshine Brite May 12, , I still feel like this is different though because of the teenageness, no kids, and no marriage in place. Depends where he lives. Legal in Canada too, BTW, and a lot of other countries. Margo May 12, , 5: Anon May 13, , 6: FireStar May 12, , 9: It really is the worst thing someone can do to you short of physically harming you — to betray you so thoroughly.
And then to lie to you when you confronted them, both of them making you think the problem rested with you and your crazy paranoid pregnancy brain…all the while they KNEW you were right. It must feel like a bomb went off in your life. You have to stop acting like your mother raped your husband though. Why else was he in tears after?
He was part of this — a willing part…even if a subsequently regretful part. And since he was a part in it — you have to accept the part your husband played in this — the active willing part he played — otherwise there is no moving on from this — with or without him.
A decent husband hell a mediocre husband would have told you the instant your mother made a pass at him…you would have known from that first text.
What made your husband hide that from you? And hide all subsequent text? He had sex with her. So see your husband for who he actually is. Not who you want him to be or who you thought he was. That is the place to start. You need to work through what happened to you. If you move before you are well you will hurt yourself again. You are just delaying the process of getting better by moving too fast with your husband.
And your kids need you to be well — for their future as well as for yours. I understand your husband is where you feel comfortable and safe. You have a new reality now and you have to adjust to that. Marriages recover from some terrible things — and maybe yours can too.
Book an appointment with a therapist now. I wish you the very best for you and your little ones. Eljay May 12, , 3: Wow this is awful.
I sympathize with the LW, living with a toddler and a newborn is tough and it could be scary considering doing it own your own — especially when you expected to have 2 other adults your mother and spouse to help out. I say move out the traitors and move in a friend. Find a nanny, au pair, college student or someone to live with you and help you through this time. I can see rationalizing staying with your husband because you need the extra hands, but please find the help somewhere else.
Do you have another family member or close friend to move in? Can you make the husband pay for the support? Can you quit your job and make your husband support the family while you get your life together?
Having a toddler and a new born my kids are 22 months apart and we have no family nearby was always going to be a hectic, sleepless, trying — and exciting!
Your mother sounds like a sociopath. You say you work with her. Of course you are finding moments of comfort from your agonizing heartbreak in the presence of the man you love. He thought he had an STD for an entire month. He thought he had exposed both you and his own child. He did not have the sense of remorse to find the courage to tell you. How to interpret this and what it means is going to take time.
Sadly, there is no way around it. Not if you are looking for stability in life. You sound far more functional than I think I would be. At times like these people learn things about themselves. I hope you will find solace in others, in therapy, in your babies. I hope in time you will rebuild, though the vision of what is not yet in view.
I can see why you are not placing enough blame on your husband, but you are being deluded. If I were in this situation I would be far angrier at my mother, because of all people, your own parent should never do anything remotely like that with your spouse.
Also, when someone uses an excuse of being belligerently drunk for cheating, I suspect there are other issues there with alcohol. Especially given that you were 9 months pregnant. Reading this made me physically sick. Your husband is a monster.
It is totally understandable that you are reeling from this, but you have to let go of that denial and desperation and get both of these people out of your life permanently. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, that the two people who were supposed to love you the most betrayed you so completely, utterly, deeply, and irreparably.
I strongly, strongly suggest you initiate divorce proceedings and get into therapy asap. Laura Hope May 12, , So you kind of knew. Not a great role model. Dear Wendy May 12, , I would like you to know that there is much more to the story and I am very well aware of the situation. I have started therapy and will continue to see my therapist for a long while. My husband has not returned to our home as of yet, I will not allow it. I have also requested that my husband see a therapist on his own if there ever is going to be a chance for reconciliation.
Within their first week of dating he asked her to have a threesome with me. Instead of being a mother and leaving him seeing that the man was interested in her daugther, she just ignored it and continued to see him. He then went to my aunt and requested that she join them. She at 22 was in an sexually and physically abusive relationship and allowed that man to stay around.
My mother was also molested as a child by her father. I truly believe that my mother has under lying issues that has made her into the attention seeking person she is. My mother has never been without a sexual partner to my knowledge, though none of this makes her any less responsible. He has complied and answers each one of my questions, no matter how embarrassing the answer may be. We have not been intimate nor have I been sweet. I have since realized that I can grieve, weep, and be angry without showing him an ounce of affection even if it means I have to do it alone.
I know I have to heal and come to terms with the situation on my own not by having him cloud my judgment. I very well have much self worth but unfortunately I love and love hard.
He and I have been through a lot and have carried each other through the toughest of times. I was desperate for results and the good health of my son. The three of us Myself, my child, and my husband have been tested for Genital Herpes and the results came back negative. Since there was know physical sign or side affect to take samples of to test, our blood was tested for the disease.
We all are healthy and have no string of the disease in our bodies. As for the reason my Husband thought that he the STD, a few weeks after I confided in him about my mother carrying the disease, he saw 5 unrecognizable bumps and freaked out. They were tested and his general physician has confirmed it was a yeast infection.
Aside from all of the above, my main focus is myself and the boys. FireStar May 12, , You sound like you are doing everything right. Your boys are lucky to have you. Best of luck to you. You sound so strong. I hope you continue to go to therapy and work on your issues. I also hope that some of the comments here will be taken to heart and help give you strength and clarity. Not for nothing, but gotta hand it to you LW, you do not seem naive , stupid or weak.
Matter of fact you come off as extremely strong to be honest. I still stand by my comments though. I know what it is to love hard, but personally, this could not be something a marriage could survive in my book. I hope therapy does very well for both you and your husband ,and that you two can co-parent and get a long good, even maybe be good friends down the road. LW, thank you for the update and clarification. Again, I am so very sorry this has happened to you.
You are wise to have cut her from your life. How will you sleep next to him at night, knowing every time he gets up or every time his phone beeps it may very well be the next betrayal? He is NOT a good man, as others have said I would be hesitant to leave him alone with your children, let alone into your home and your bed. Your therapist can most likely also point you to support groups for divorcing parents, that may be another place to get some of the emotional support you need.
Bittergaymark May 12, , Just yikes… Are — those of you in question — truly all this naive about sex in general? No wonder nearly every other LW accidently gets knocked up. Go by a basic book on human sexuality or at least visit planned parenthood. The lack of true knowledge displayed here while so many spout off pure b. Mark, I am fully aware that the husband, luckily, tested negating for herpes. Luckily the LW does not have to worry about the virus on top of everything else.
Then you all should have made an informed decision together about kicking her out of your dxmn house. In my opinion, the most precious gift your partner can give you is to help foster a healthy relationship with your family; he did the absolute polar opposite.
And the LW is at least partially responsible for this fucking mess. Anna May 12, , Usually I find your comments to be unapologetically hilarious. But just for today, at least try for a bit of empathy and compassion in that small dark heart of yours. Skyblossom May 12, , 4: This letter writer welcomed her mom into her home knowing that she would likely make inappropriate sexual advances on her husband.
You protect them from people who behave like that around them. Anna May 12, , 4: I find that hard to believe. MOST daughters give their mother some benefit of the doubt, at most it makes her naive for not setting boundaries. I also seriously doubt she thought her husband would screw her mother. Did the husband ever say the mother made him feel uncomfortable? I mean, is that TOO much to ask for? Skyblossom May 12, , 7: She would only jump to that conclusion if she expected it.
It is a bad situation but her mom had routinely subjected people to inappropriate sexual advances. It is very much a part of who her mom is and she has known that about her mom for years. She probably assumed that her husband would turn down the advances but she was still willing to subject him to them. She very much knew what her mother was like. Stonegypsy May 12, , 4: Mar May 12, , Besides all the really obvious effed up things, I find it mind blowing she was willing to expose her daughter and grandchild to a disease!!!
I mean really the entire thing is mind blowing…. This mother is pure evil. I totally understand the LW being more pissed at her mom than the husband. LadyinPurpleNotRed May 12, , 5: Except she knew that her mother was like that before she let her move in. And her husband did try to risk 3 family members lives. By choosing to sleep with someone else, he risked getting and passing along diseases.
I can understand the situation you are in regarding wanting to forgive your husband and move on, because I dealt with something similar several years ago when my ex-boyfriend of 4 years assaulted me. We had a life together and I did not want to break up. There were moments when I thought I could forgive him and that we could move on from it, but in the end, I had to accept that I was not emotionally safe in the relationship anymore.
I did not want to break up, but he took that choice away from me whenever he completely shattered the trust in our relationship. Realizing that helped me move on. Would he have ever told you? What else has he lied about? What will he lie about in the future? You know that he is capable of lying to you and then making YOU feel crazy in order to cover his own ass. I see them as a negative sign.
He knew what he did and he was crying tears of shame. He was fully aware of what he had done and yet he covered it up for months. He thought he had herpes, so he confessed. You have to consider the very real possibility that he may never have told you otherwise. None of this is your fault in any way. But your husband took that choice away from you. Even if I had been able to forgive him and even if he never hurt me again, I think it would have always been in the back of my mind.
Will you ever be able to trust your husband again? What will it take? Think about how you felt the night you confronted your husband and your mother. Think about how you felt when your husband finally confessed. Whatever you felt in those moments is how you ultimately feel about your marriage. THAT is the reality. Can you accept that?
SasLinna May 12, , 2: I really think this is a case where she has to ignore what her heart is saying and go with what her mind is telling her — that her husband is simply not trustworthy. The love and attachment she feels will go away with time. Classic May 12, , 7: Sojianna May 12, , 1: But it did strike me, as I read this, that if he were a woman, most people here would be screaming about how he was drunk and what the mother in law did amounted to rape.
One sober party, one drunk party, but the guy is still a complete asshole? This thread feels a little sexist, to be honest.
This has fuck all to do with gender. If they are drunk but can give consent then they knowingly took part. He knowingly took part. He has to own his part in this.
Imsges: is my husband on dating site
He began to cry.
It really is the worst thing someone can do to you short of physically harming you — to betray you so thoroughly. Just wish others lots of luck and do not lose your hope to find your second part!
Last statement in fifth paragraph: You do a terrible job of speaking on behalf of the entire gender. The woman was my mother. What is the point of this? The life you had with your husband is over.
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