INTJ Relationship: 15 Things You Need to Know to Decode Them
I wish that I was one of those girls with a bunch of male friends because I really want to befriend many of them. In her route you learn that she's neither a pixie nor a dream girl, but a shy and troubled drug addict that tries to escape her dull life. He does, however, play along in order to use her shinigami eyes. However I am such a strong introvert that I just completely freeze up even when I notice girls checking me out. Then, if you get past all of that, you still have all the NORMAL problems associated with the actual date to contend with.
How to be friends with an introvert: 10 tips
I was from a family of And I hate it when someone insists that I be more outgoing or talkative. Maybe I need to let that go, but so far I still feel bad about myself after an outing like I described here with others. After i found out what a introvert was i knew it sounded like me but didnt look further into it, i dont really like labels or stereotypes on myself or others but these are pretty much spot on for me. I answered yes to all of the points. Not surprisingly, dating can be more challenging for the introvert.
I am also extremely introverted, modest and shy. This has not been an easy journey. People assume that given my looks and my job history, for those that know of it, that I am a conceited, self absorbed, bitch.
People who judge me are insecure in themselves. They feel ignored and inulted by my lack of smiles, conversation and friendliness. For the people who have social anxiety I think this actually stems from you picking up on the negative vibes from others and not from within yourself. I stay true to myself and I feel great about it.
Oh how this makes life so very difficult. How many relationships have ended because of some perceived slight. Yes, I agree that most people are extremely insecure and constantly seek validation in your responses. A typical introvert does not give out this validations—smiles, hellos, interest in THEM and so they feel hurt, neglected, ignored and bad.
They want people to be happy to see them, eager to talk to them and interested in them in general. So an introverts lack of response is perceived as rejection. We have to be careful not the internalize these things. It is not our job to make people happy or comfortable. It takes all kinds for the world to go around. So no one needs to be a certain way. Of course we do need to show people who we really are and for that we must open ourselves. But we can do it in our own way.
For the most part, I can strike up a conversation, if I want. As we move throughout our path, we may meet and wish it were more, but the road is long and the memories pleasant. They say we gather wisdom as we mature. The trick is to meet yourself on the way back from the beginning.
I understand this soo much. I have the hardest time calling myself attractive but have been called it and receive attention as if it were true. Unfortunately my shy introspective self grew up in the most undesirable place to be raised, a slum. Bless him, cause he is one of the few people I can be vulnerable with.. I would not like to eradicate the shy, introverted, or thinking persons of the world, but I have heard of oxytocin formulas, Cesar Milan dog walking as pack leader training, theatre,sketch comedy, and toastmasters as something we introverts can add to our social repertoires so we have something to articulate to others.
I hope I helped you guys a little because everybody elses comments sure helped me. I freeze up and assume she is not really interested in me. A million thoughts and variables flood my head—what if I actually date this girl? What will I have to do to sustain a relationship with her?
Will she leave me? Hi Dan I feel your pain on a social level. Do you have any deep interests that makes you comfortable and carefree? Com Since you said what has been triggering your flight response, you should probably demolish each one and replace it with a more positive affirming thought.
You just gotta go for it or bring a wing man, heck be a wing man and see what happens: We introverts are worthwhile if only we see ourselves like that!
You are probably perceptive so tell that girl that you fancy after salutations have been made that she looks beautiful like your favorite female heroine in fav, play, book, of your dreams and go on a tangent about why you love it.
Once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to look but up; if so then you can catapult yourself to the surface easily and notice your progress. Sometimes my inner voice is too loud, you know the one that tells me im not good enough, but sometimes im able to push it down for the wish that I have that me being worthwhile is true…. I was born an introvert. I realised this at a very young age as I played by myself and always peeped out the window to see the others play.
In high school I was popular due to brains and had not learned how to make friends. Compliments of beauty have been bombarded on me since childhood till now at I guess slowly but surely I am getting to a place where I can believe it. In someone told me I had no conversation.
This hurt as I really open up with people I get comfortable with. From then I took it upon myself to gather strength and talk to people if they made eye contact. Be it a stranger in town or a new collegue who might be suffering like me.
I have dated handsome guys to my own surprise. Nowadays I freeze when great looking men talk to me. I believe one day I wont feel so weird and will reach a place where I am home in my own skin. I know im kind of late on this post, but i would just like to say that you just described my life.
I dont know how attractive i am to girls, i consider myself alright, but I dont think that is uncommon. I have been in school with the same group of people for three years now and have gotten by with a small group of friends and just about no luck with females. This yeat i have made some more friends and stared talking a little more with girls. However i still feel on the outside and as if girls really are not. I do not know what to do and i feel as though i could go through the rest of my school career with out ever having a relationship, which would be depressing.
If anyone could give me advice, anything would help, thanks. I LOVE this article! I agree with the other commenter who said that shyness could result from being berated for your A.
I was forced into WAY too many awkward social situations growing up as a result, and I think that has a lot to do with why I am so withdrawn. I have another problem, and would be interested to know if any other A. Marie, I have had similar dating issues. They tended to have aggressive personalities, and, while they may not all have treated me poorly, they were certainly not a good fit for me, given my introverted disposition.
It can be exhausting and disheartening. Perhaps as more public light is shed on introversion, things will get a little easier for us. My mother was an introvert long before the term was commonly used, and her mother relentlessly harassed her, accusing her of being secretive and of being maladjusted. This attitude—that we are somehow broken and need to be fixed—is slowly dissipating, thanks to Jung, Cain and others.
I am apparently a good looking dude and to be honest I do notice that girls do check me out. However I am such a strong introvert that I just completely freeze up even when I notice girls checking me out. The problem is there a millions of good looking people in this world and so being good looking in itself is not enough.
Especially as guys we usually have to do all the work when pursuing girls so if you come across as awkward then the majority of the time girls lose interest. You see to women looks are nice but they really fall for a guy by the way he holds himself. This is especially true when it comes to very attractive women. I found this girl that lived way out in the woods like me, and was like a total match, when we met I could hardly talk, I have a harder time if i really like them.
This was like the most awkward date in the history of dates, for both of us. The follow up texts were about how she wished I was more confident. After thinking about it, and looking stuff up online. One time me and a friend another INTJ socially awkward dude smoked up before we went to this new hot spot club place, its was really active.
We were all relaxed just sitting there with our drinks, this pretty girl came up and started whispering stuff into my ear. Reading all these comments about how people can identify with the contents of this article is really comforting… thank you. And also thank you for the article.
But I guess we have to stay strong and make the best out of it. I wish to all people that you can make it and that you will be able to find good friends and the love of your life!
I am a guy. I feel like I am really close to suicide at this point because of who I am. Life can be beautiful in so many ways. Be patient and have trust! I was in your situation, too, and I really do understand how you feel. For me personally, I found my happiness again through religion I am Protestant. I am sure you will find your happiness, too! I feel the same way Ed. I am an attractive introvert that suffers with depression. My social group is very small and made up of mostly men.
My confidence is low now that my social group shrank. My depression keeps me from finding anyone interesting enough to want to talk to them. All I really want is to be surrounded by like-minded individuals that understand me. Snap out of it guys… come on!!! I understand how depressing and lonely it can get, and I myself have been at that point where you both seem to be at now.
But you really can change your perspective, and make life seem to be not so terrible. Try feeling miserable until 40!!! I wish that I was still your age, knowing what I know now. I could have begun to change my outlook back then… maybe improved my attitude a little bit. Just keep your head up when you walk down the street.
If someone wants to say something to you, you can just give a normal meaningless response and move on. Just be sort of a regular person and people will naturally become attracted to you.
What it is, is that it really does become like a heavy burden after a while, when day after day, you go through life disliking everyone, and not trusting them, and hating on them because they are too phony or whatever. You spend all your energy just NOT wanting to deal with people, but guess what? And I agree, there should be an A. Forum or at least somewhere we can congregate online.
Does anyone use Facebook? Is it possible to start an interest group on it? Also if anyone wants to chat on Facebook, I could email a link to my profile. Yeah knowing your not alone helps, and your not like broken. For me fighting the introversion or trying to change just seemed to make me feel worse. Now i just embrace it, and it helps you be more confident.
Dan I suppose asking you to open such a closed group then we all work on it would be asking too much from an introvert right? Great idea you suggested. On the other hand chats would be good too. Hopefully you see this and others too. Will be nice to stay in touch. So, I am 35 divorved and single for 3 years. I am told by many people that I am attractive. Younger guys always think I am 28 bc I look younger.
Anyway, its so hard to meet people on a daily basis. Last one I liked worked at my gym and signed me up on my first night. We would flirt and then ignore. I knew in my head that it would go nowhere since I am 10 years older. I was too sad to do it. Now I regret it.
Long story short I do miss him. I see someone around my neighboorhood that is very attractive. My mom has talked to him and thinks he is nice. Whenever I see him hejust walks by and ignores me.
If he would just look I would say hi. So 2 weeks ago he was talking to my neighbor. I wanted to say hi, but he just kept on walking. When i was at the corner of my street we looked at each other for about 5 seconds. Should I give up on him? I was like the guy that you described, too, when I was younger and messed up inside mentally.
At least that is how I used to be often times when I was young and still now sometimes. Women constantly make eye contact with me all the time. I give a half hearted smile and a glance. My friends keep on asking where my hot girlfriend is to compliment me. I feel like stuck between a rock and a hard place. The approach and small talk routine makes me very uneasy around people, especially when those people are of the VERY attractive opposite sex.
I just mentally freeze up. If you like us, YOU have to initiate, that makes it much easier for us to get our mental juices flowing and respond back to you. Small talk does not work so well on us, we like to talk about something with depth and passion. When you do strike up a conversation, try to make the small talk as deep and as interesting as possible. Remember, we need fuel for our conversations.
The weird thing is my voice travels extremely well in THE loudest clubs. Obviously the drug gives me false confidence, but it proves to me that my voice and it struggling sometimes is pretty much purely down to my confidence levels. In my example I know the logic behind it is in my head but I also know I can break it as I have done since then without the use of drugs, I might add.
The comments posted by everyone has given me hope that I might not die a lonely little old lady after all. I have always had acquaintances but never anyone I can actually call a friend. I absolutely love my alone time but I am also incredibly depressed because I am lonely.
I smoke lot of weed to take my mind off the loneliness even though I know it contributes to to the depression. The fact that I need to spend time alone has had a negative effect on my relationships with guys. They have been guys that want to spend every waking minute with me which makes me really irritable so I act like a total bitch to drive them away.
The term introvert is relatively new to me thanks to my recent interest in psychology. It explains why I am the way I am in public. Although I am very self aware and can pin point my issues and ways to resolve them, my social anxiety and self consciousness is something I have trouble wrapping my head around.
The Power of Introverts in an Extroverted World. I think i would be considered an AI. I recently graduated from college, with no luck on the dating scene.
I did have several girls come up to me and express interest, even complimenting me on my looks. I had no idea how to react, and usually ended up quickly changing the subject.
I only got one phone number in college, and it was an overall awkward experience. Eventually, we just stopped seeing each other, and she went on to have a relationship with someone else. Random people come up to me all the time, apparently I look knowledgeable and trustworthy.
It is nice to know that other people have the same problem though. I always thought something was wrong with me, and that I was alone. I fear rejection and humiliation. But when I see an attractive girl I just freeze up and dont know what to say and when I usually do start talking its often ok at first but after the introduction and a few brief comments I go blank and feel very awkward.
But since I was popular my group of friends in HS were the cool guys and they were all about getting as much girls as possible and still are till this day. Its just so annoying because I always think of girls that gave me a lot of eye contact, or have said hi, had small convos but because I was too introverted and I think of all the potential relationships and partners I couldve had.
Growing up, I did not always have the looks I was a little bit on the heavy side I had today, which led me to believe that I was not attractive. I am not sure if that was the cause of my introversion, but for as long as I can remember, I have been an introvert. Having not many friends, I stayed online most of the time, playing video games and learning whatever flows down from the bountiful Mother Internet.
I am open-minded and I love to converse about deeper topics. I hate small talk with a passion and this trait of mine has been detrimental to my social life. After puberty, things started to change. Girls started to notice me. People I grew up with were shocked with the change. As people warmed up to me more, I started being more comfortable with speaking out and displaying fake confidence.
However, I still remain the same introvert that I am. Any crowd with more than 2 strangers will make me anxious or just that little bit uncomfortable. Meeting people scare me. I recently completed my Freshman year of college and met a few people whom I have befriended. We get along very well and I am happy with my small group of friends.
At school, I tend to stick to my favourite past time there which is pool. I know I should not let what others say bother me, but it has come to a point where they want it known to me, what they were saying about myself. I, having not experienced this amount of attention that I get from people, just leaves me clueless on what to do. I do not want to approach these people, but by not doing so, it is testament, at least to them, of my arrogance and ego.
I struggle with this everyday and it has gotten to the point where I do not look forward to going to crowded places anymore, even with my friends back home I used to be able to tolerate these environments with the company of my 6 close friends, the only real friends I have back in my hometown. Reading other stories of people who have felt what I am feeling makes me feel much better in a way, but at the same time, very sad because I know how much it can hurt.
And on this becoming an A. For the sake of it, 19 California Male. On the relevance of myself being Asian, people have labelled me as being a good looking face, but with all the stereotypes of an Asian as I do try my best to get good grades.
This, and among many other stereotypes not worth mentioning. I really hate the fact people seem to notice me too much, which really sucks because im a bar back, my job requires stealth, which is hard because im attractive, people bother me when im trying ot complete a task and when i ignore them im the asshole, bothering a bar back is being an asshole in its own right.
Also being an attractive black man is hard because of the stereotypes: The expectation that you are either gay or a player is not specific to black men. I feel that introverts are often less inclined to want multiple partners so that is part of the problem.
Seren, research has actually shown that extroverts are more likely to have had more partners including sexual partners. It drains our energy.
JD-yep, these social zones even throw me off because its not me.. Bonzz-facebook has worked for me only at getting ahold of old girlrfriends and their friends and getting the ball rolling.. Barnes and Nobles is my favorite place to go for introverted women.. Works like a charm. Sell 2 homes myself to the first buyer that walked in the door And write my first book in 6 months.
In short, it works to help you overcome any perceived barriers and fears. After my marriage break-up a few years back I was constantly getting hit on. I now understand why.
Thanks for explaining this — while it helps me understand who I am, its still hard to get others to do the same. Story of my life. I get extremely emotionally drained when I have to socialize for too long. The more people, the more drained I get. But that drains me very quickly, and I need a a day or two of alone time. This is the biggest issue that I have struggled with over the years.
Am I weird for needing a large amount of time to recover and recharge? And why does socializing make me a little crazy at times. For example, I have a family reunion to go to this summer. From the very first moment they announced it, I am already annoyed by having to socialize for 4 days.
So now, I am upfront with others of how much I can take. I respectfully say, had a great time thanks for having me, I have to be leaving now. On dating, I have had to lay it out how I am. Just some advice… choose an active pursuit, bike rides, sports, etc, anything that will be less focus on making the small talk that leaves you drained!
Thank you for this article. Now alot of stuff makes sense. My introversion has gotten worse. Get in the middle of the room where the people are. Id like to see another dimension added to this equation. The Attractive or at least reasonably okay-looking Introvert who happens to be Quirky or Alternative-Thinking.
What advice is there for the A. What happens if being outgoing, approachable and engaging leads to more introductions, but ultimately, more rejection for reasons that cut far more deeply? You ask an important question, Eric. The art of it is knowing what to change about your way of interacting while still being your unique self. Finding that balance is a process and part of building social skills. Even one useful tip can change your results. Women actually tend to get along with me great.
I can deal with that, I like having female friends. Thank you, thank you, ladies and germs… seriously, though I thought the 4 or 5 of us could have made a great comedy troupe, or ensemble cast of some extremely sick, maybe even offensive comedy show. In fact, I know that it must be, because that in itself is something that I find hilarious! You know what I mean? How much more difficult do you think it would be for an A.
I suspect that I might be such an individual, though I have no diagnoses to back up this claim. I simply know myself well enough to know that: Strangely, that seems to be changing for me. And it all started last week because of a dating site, of all things. Well, to make a long story short, after chatting online for a little bit, I suggested we talk on the phone instead, because my fingers were getting tired.
I could hear and feel myself doing it as I was doing it though. Unable to resist the self-deprecating humor, not able to stop saying exactly thewrong thing, no matter how many chances I could TELL she was trying to give me to recover. The bottom line is, I wound up chasing her off, unintentionally. But strangely, it was the mere fact that someone showed an interest in the first place that kind of sparked a little bit of confidence in me, from some deep dark recess in my being somewhere.
This little confidence spark kept me from going into another typical depressive episode that I was expecting to follow. Find something to make you feel confident. Introverted people CAN be confident — confident people can be introverted.
So, find whatever it is that you can get a confidence boost from. Walking down the street. Or on the bus, or wherever. Someone in public no stalking!!! If you are behind them, call to them as you approach. Make them feel like you are not invading their space. Just think of it as if this person was ANY other person, and you had just seen them drop something on the ground keys, wallet, book or whatever , and you happened to be close enough to help out by picking up the item and returning it to them as they walked away.
How does this help me get a date? I ran away from the girl again! This girl is there to get you to realize that: You may even feel a bit silly for having so much anxiety over it for so long, and be looking for another chance to try the exercise again. I did it right away after my first time.
As I walked back home, there was a second attractive woman wlking towards me on the sidewalk, alone, eyes down as she walked.
I just walked by and did the unexpected for a beasutiful stranger. Paid her a cheerful compliment that visibly made her feel good. My job was done. There she goes, god bless that lovely woman! Just find that initial spark of self-confidence and let it roll from there. Once you do the exercise once, you will quickly feel like you are King Sunshine and attractive people are all of your loving subject who are happy when you personally address them.
And as a bonus, I have been looking more directly at people as I walk down the street, all week long now — without as much tension or nervousness. Making THEM avert their eyes! If you have read this, I apologize for carrying on so long, but I am just attempting to help fellow A. I hope you all can find some inspiration in my story, and DO try it. I hope it works for you as it has been working for me over this past week so far.
If I can do it, YOU can do it, and all the other cliches. Great article, much needed. I get glared at by a lot of guys, stared at by gay men, and women a lot.. It doesnt help that my favorite activity to do alone is to workout. Im extremely lean, muscular body with narrow waist and broad shoulders. When I go to class late or miss a class the teachers think im a playboy out late playing with random girls..
Just dont have mental energy to go out in crowds. I just give a smile to the teachers and carry on.. I dont want to drag people down with my own issues let them have this false impression of me. My few close friends i have said they all thought I was stuck up when they first me. They felt that I just wanted to be alone.. I even unknowingly broke a couple girls hearts with my initial reactions to their approaches. One of those girls became an amazing friend because she was really into psychology and helped me a lot..
I give off a horrible impression that Im just a low energy party pooper.. The only time I can maintain full alertness and energy is when Im out one on one with someone and we make it past having just small talk. However the problem is after long meeting where we have deep meaningful discussions i always fail to contact them afterwards online… apparently extroverts talk online all the time something I never do.
My facebook chat is soooo empty compared to my extrovert friends…. Ive only manage to keep a handful of friends mainly because they eventually realize I was introverted and understood that just because I dissapear on them a lot or dont do small talk that doesnt mean I dont want to be friends.
I know some will just feel that im probably just feeding my ego but i needed to get this out. Im sure others have it worse then being an attractive introverts. Im always thinking if there was a market for some sort of wristband or other accessory for single ready to mingle introverts to give a clear signal and show they are open to approach to other introverts or extroverts in the know..
It makes a lot more sense now. I wish I knew then what I know of myself now. My suggestion for anyone who feels negatively about themselves for being an introvert is to examine these relationships that you have very carefully, and try to determine if somehow, THEY might not be helping you feel better. I think once you realize this and begin to feel better about yourself, and start to see your introverted nature as something that is special about you, and makes you unique, then you will feel more relaxed whenever you DO decide to be around people, and you will have an easier time talking to the people that you WANT to talk to.
Self-assuredness comes through self-awareness, acceptance comes through understanding. People are just people… no matter how cute they are! I know I intimidate guys and women a lot. I have been told I have a poker face and people tell me that I look conceited and even high maintenance.
I was always the ugly duckling as a teen but once I hit my late teens and early 20s something changed I went to pounds from and got more attention than ever but people made comments that they first thought I was conceited and such. Crazy how things work. I feel I am the same person. Still shy and awkward but now I dress more Femme and get called bitchy. And as a side note, re: Whatever happened to the dignified, solemn expressions we used to see in old photos?
Stone-faced expressions with piercing stares, sure. Hi, my name is Jennifer and I have been reading all of your comments here for the last couple of weeks. Sounds to me like, as Introverts, we almost always share the same kind of feelings. I found your blog while doing a search in Google for Introverted Women because I was doing research on a book I just published this last week on amazon on a similar topic Dating and Relationships for Introverted Women.
I wanted to congratulate Dr. Would also love to get some feedback on what you think about it after you read it. In one case, the girl I spoke with was gone in under 30 minutes. In the other case, I actually spoke to the woman in question a couple of more times on the phone, for extended periods of time.
However, she backed out of meeting me just as we were setting up an actual date. So, 5 months, not one human to human interaction. Why would I have to change my entire belief system, like suddenly finding going out to dance clubs, or blowing a wad at over-priced fancy restaurants, or going on nature hikes, etc. Definitely agree with you. All three were very smart, nice, people, other introverts actually. He explained they just wore him out sometimes. I feel quite…ABLE to engage others but that has nothing to do with my mood.
Then there are the introverted extroverts. They appear to be an extrovert in many cases, and in many they are; however, they still require introvert recharging, thinking, and preparing some hate small talk too. This completely baffles people, especially full extroverts. I abhor phone calls and checkout lines with checkout people. I much prefer self checkout lines where the worst thing that happens is if it messes up and I have to talk to someone. I am an introvert exactly as described above, and a high school English teacher.
I love my job, and try to bring lots of energy and fun into each of my classes. However, when my classroom empties, I need a few minutes to relax and recharge. So, at break or at lunch you will often find me at my desk reading, listening to music, or just thinking.
I just need to be with me and my thoughts before the next class arrives so that I can be my best for them. I have several friends who are introverts. I try to be understanding of that.
Is there a way to meet the needs of the introvert AND the extrovert? I am having a similar problem with one of my introvert friend. Despite the fact he is a nice person, he is introvert, closed-mined and passive to quite a degree. After many years, I started to think he is not…a friend at all. Needless to say, introversion is on the sliding scale and I think most introverts can be a great friend.
Often I find them sensitive, caring, intelligent, creative and trustworthy. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone. I believe healthy relationship is mutual participation, otherwise, it only makes you feel so insignificant.
Thanks for posting this…my extroverted friend now understands me a little better. I also hate making small talk with the dentist or my hairstylist.
Just do my hair and let me relax! This whole article describes me wonderfully. I absolutely love this blog! Introverts are often misunderstood and you hit the nail on the head.
Thank you for sharing. They ruin my shopping time with their faux small talk. I am an introvert and an author, and so much of this is true. In writing, I have all the time in the world to think about a conversation! This is great and so true! I am a male INTP and this phenomena is fascinating to me. That is me for sure — I find them so intrusive, especially when you are not expecting it. I work as a data analyst, and my employers wanted me to also man the general phones lines when the receptionist needed a break.
I hated it so intently, I threatened to quit if that continued to be part of my job! I wonder too if a need for perfection and attention to detail are also common among introverts? Is that why we like time to prepare? Would extraverts be as concerned with the spelling? I thought I was reading about myself!
I always thought I was weird or socially retarded for not liking to go to parties, or answer the phone, or receive drop-in visitors graciously! I can totally host a get together at my own house, but I despise block parties and work socials and the like! Thanks for posting this!! It is only our prejudice and first impression of people that get us to make wrong assumptions about people. I have noticed how we are made to ponder over ourselves that we are doing it wrong. All the things mentioned in this article totally relates to me.
All we ask for some time. Oh my gosh…the description is me to a T! Hate voicemail or phone calls…I actually take a deep breath and shudder when the phone rings or the answering machine beeps…just text me!
This was one of the best explanations of my personality EVER! I have more contact with people now than I did before texting. Great article, spot on every point! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have said these exact words to my husband who is an extrovert many times. He is patient with me and loves me with everything he has and totally gets it. I wish more people would get it. I love socializing, but mainly one on one and I think people just do not take the time to understand.
Thank you for putting in to words what goes through my head daily. Means the world to me that there are others out there just like me!
This has been ongoing for years! I like taking pics, laughing, joking around, eating good food and desserts. She is an introvert and doesnt know anything about it. At first I was so intrigued by her. She challenged all my social capacity to make friends. What is the problem with her? Why is she so strange and awkward? As I saw so many similarities between how introverts are and how my friend behaves I felt this relief as if she suddenly made sense.
Actually she still puzzles me but I know now that she does makes sense in her mind there is a logic for her behaviour although I dont quite get it all. I am learning to accept her and to respect her. The more I do this the more she trusts me.
With dialogue and love we can meet that common ground of understanding and respect. Thank you for your article! I have a friend that I have been taking things very personal, when I discovered this person in an introvert. I still find myself struggling sometimes not to take it personal.
Now that I recognize it, I have more patience. When I was a child I was introvert, in my young adulthood I became extrovert — more balanced I like to say: Im glad I found your blog. Thank you so much Jamie for writing this. I deffently found myself and these words just nailed it! Which I have no problems arguing my point, until they see I was right all along,lol.
Doing this over the years has helped me tremendously, my wife of 13 years has even told me how much I have improved. But I still love my alone time. As an introvert myself, and have had one close friend since fifth grade and many more that come and go, but still keep in contact with him 36 yo.
Trust me, if you have an introverted friend, he will always be your friend, It is just hard for us to make the first contact sometimes, no matter how ridiculous that sounds. My advice would be to reach out to him first, if he is a true friend that cares about you, he WILL respond. He may just be on a deeper level of introversion, and requires a little more time between interactions. But then again some people just grow apart in life, and you gotta just shrug it off, and make some new friends.
Very true about the quick temper, I think because we spend so much time thinking about things ahead of time, when something goes against our grain, we will defend our position till the death.
I agree with everything except point 4. I hate voicemail but that may only be because I have a hearing impairment so prefer texting overall. Kudos and I hope it spreads far and wide! You are right on! I never classified myself as an introvert before; I just assumed I was somewhat shy and that it was weird that I not only want, but NEED time alone.
You would never guess that by looking at me though. I play the extrovert game when needed, but like you said, I need some serious decompressing time after! So I have just given up because I cannot be anything else than what I am. This was great because it summed up succinctly what I sort of try to tell people about myself in a vague, uncertain way. Step aside, small talk! We got it from here: Plus your smile lights up the world, sort of like Mary Tyler Moore: Not very good at dealing with my emotions in front of a group of people.
Same thing with all other emotions. What is that about? Please, just work on my teeth and keep the gas coming, right? He usually has to be instructed to return to his seat. I thrive on my time alone! I recharge in my green chair in the corner by my bed; while watching mysteries on TV. Omgosh, I am quite the opposite, ladies! Speaking in front of a large group of people is my biggest fear. I must say, I am best one-on-one or in a very small group…. Thanks, Jamie — this really is great! As a fellow introvert, I totally and completely agree.
I appreciate reading this article, I just visited my step-daughter this week end and left somewhat frustrated as I always do when I interact with her.
I get out and go for walks and stop and visit with people if they are out and about. I have tried to chat with her online and will send whole paragraphs and maybe will get a one word answer a week later.
Sorry for the vent but I am really going to have to study on this to be able to remotely understand her.
My ex and my oldest daughter had to do that to be able to function in certain work situations. Your daughter-in-law may very well be an introvert, but there may be other things going on here. This describes me very well.
I also like to know how genuinely a person is doing. And phone conversations make me super anxious and I hate being put on the spot. I need time to think and reflect on things more then anything. Lots of time to myself. And even though I could off as quiet, once you get me to talking I could go on forever. In fact I love to talk! Its just small talk that gets me. The only thing I can think of to possibly add is that weekend nights are easier to be with others rather than weekday nights.
I am a musician a performer, no less! Practicing my instrument is like rehearsing dialogue in my head. Yes, yes, yes from an INFJ girl!!! Had to share this on my wall! As an active, social male, I find this article very enlightening and encouraging. I am, however, undoubtedly an introvert. As odd as it sounds, the best parties I went to in college involved talking seriously with others about important subjects, and leaving with new thoughts or idea to think about.
This was an important article for me to read. Thank you for having the courage to write it. I wish this topic would be more talked about in the media. There is so many of us out there and just seeing the responses to your article makes me feel not so alone and that other people share my struggles in a extroverted world. Being a introvert and not realizing it until my forties has been a long journey. So many of my friends give up on me after years of friendship. I think they feel they have to work to hard to be my friend and they are probably right.
I seem to have turned into myself even more as I have aged. I need more time to recharge more than ever. I am not as good as I used to be about being able to act as an extrovert when needed or as I say putting on my mask. I get concerned for my children even though I encourage them to get out with friends and to invite friends over. I am afraid my norm will be come theirs by the example I set. I have one intro and one extro.
My husband is an intro but is great at turning it on most days. I was wondering if you had children and if you felt your introvert ways affect them negatively, positively or not at all? I have to say I have come to the realization that I am what I am and I am tired of beating myself up and trying to change to fit into the mold people think I should be in. It can feel like nails on a chalk board. I am trying to educate myself about what I am and be ok with it.
Oh my goodness, this is perfect. My entire life, I thought something was wrong with me and that I just needed to work harder to be more social. Someone posted an infographic on Facebook last year and I realized all that worry for nothing!
I need this article as a t-shirt to wear. I, too, and refueled by spending time alone. I also hate small talk. I prefer catching up one on one. I, too, need time to reflect. I have a very silly side. I tend to develop trust very slowly. And, I am very much extrovert. In fact, I tend to think of introverts more about people who prefer to keep their cards close to their chest.
You hit the nail on the head!! Probably one big reason is because I love getting in deep conversations I wanted to share my biggest struggle with my introverted friendships with hopes that the many introverts reading this would give me some more insight. The thing I struggle with the most is my own loneliness in these friendships. As an extrovert, I need frequent talks, even deep conversations are great, on a regular daily basis in order to get rejuvenated. Where my introverted friends feel once a week is enough and it always has to be on there time table and when they are ready, never when I need it.
I sometimes feel like we can only interact when you are ready and I need to be ready and waiting for that moment. I get stressed out having to schedule in great detail every interaction, even simple phone calls, even if it is just to say hi.
I wanted your opinion this week. I really value your thought out opinion, because you give great advice because you actually do think before you speak. I was part of a small church that the majority was introverted. I continually felt depleted socially and spiritually. I think there somehow needs to be a way for both of us to meet in the middle.
I love the depth and silliness of my introverted friends, I just wish they got me the same way they wish I got them. I know I am dating a introvert. I believe I was an extrovert but some of the introvert ways have rubbed off. I use to like crowds but not so much any more.
I have come to appreciate the alone times for 2 reasons 1 it slows my speeding mind down 2 I love that he loves being around me just 1 on 1.
I believe opposites attract because we need something from each other. I needed to slow down, take time to listen and appreciate the quietness because in it, it speaks loudly. I am able to take in one thing at a time. He needs to have fun and enjoy his surroundings, as he feels comfortable. Know that it is okay to speak out once in awhile and understand that my excitement ia sometimes triggered by his presence and not trying to irritate him.
I just found you on the internet. I was searching for something totally different Math LOL! When I saw this post, I just had to read it! I, too, am an introvert. You described me so well in this post. I usually feel that I am abnormal somehow.
Usually when I do, something happens to destroy the friendship or the other person hates to hear me ramble on about things that are important to me — and that hurts me so much! I thank you for your post. I also dislike labels.
Within this label there is a wide spectrum of these behaviors. Because opposites attract, it seems most of us are married to an extravert.
It requires mutual respect and flexibility. I am comforted to know the other introverts need time to think through things before replying. I sometimes feel brain dead for not being able to participate in a conversation at the same pace as others. But, when all is said and done, I am still an introvert that recharges my batteries by spending time alone and my husband is still an extravert who recharges his batteries by spending time with others!
Just came across your blog on pinterest. I always thought there was something wrong with me. It has brought tears to my eyes knowing there are other people like me. My husband is an extrovert and loves to meet new people and is so comfortable with them. I really think if we go anywhere to a party or gathering its because they want to see him.
When we are there he will find someone to chit chat with leaving me to fend on my own. I just want to leave or crawl into a hole.
I thought there was something wrong we me for a long time…. People thinking because someone is different than they are then they must be damaged, broken or wrong. Anyone who is different than you is just that — different. What a sad ugly place it would be if every thing and every one was the same.
People tend to hurt me a lot so I have to turn on the calloused persona to be able to survive my day. My other side is fun, loving and gentle. If I put my heart on my sleeve and someone betrays me with harsh words or criticism, I tend to retreat and shut everyone out. I have dealt with this issue since I was a teen and have been fumbling my way through it.
This article spoke to me so I thought I would give it a try and see how other people who feel the same way handle it. In my whole life, I have met only three, including myself.
It gives me immense pleasure when I come across someone from the same tribe. The hidden extrovert in me that came out when I was in my twenties slowly disappeared by the time I reached forty. Now I am comfortable only in silence and solitude. Solitude happens to us naturally.
I can be alone and silent for days but the challenge is to silence the mind. Can you recommend a way to control this? Once again thank you for the wonderful write-ups you and Sol share with us on this spiritual journey towards self. You both are amazing!!! In most large gatherings I can be a real wallflower and I hate being hugged or touched by total strangers.
But face-to-face encounters I can really pour on the charm, if need be. On one hand I can identify some very honorable qualities in myself that I highly value. So my whole adult life has been a constant juggle between these two dichotomies and trying to reconcile the two. However this article shows me that I need to give my introverted side love and attention too. Yes, guilt is one of the worst things to deal with!
Thanks for this wonderful post. I have been thinking about this for a while. Sometimes I have to call on my inner extrovert, but I have to be careful not to lose the inner self. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. In some culture, being an introvert is considered to be just fine. And introverts are recognized as people who have much to offer as they are very thoughtful.
Issues only arise when there is some kind of resistance to our present state of being. I was just at Disneyland with my co-workers, boss and his wife. There is a lot of standing in line and I was my quiet self.
This has always been an issue and it does not make me very popular and I feel so uncomfortable trying to force small talk. Quiet people come off as no fun…. If I felt OK about this, there would be no problem. Of course, I want to be liked.
Maybe I need to let that go, but so far I still feel bad about myself after an outing like I described here with others. How do I feel OK about myself? I may know intellectually but I feel hurt and rejected. Thank You for the article. I will look and consider this more deeply. I am an extroverted introvert. I am warm, inviting, charismatic and social; I would be described by acquaintances as an extrovert. I like to share myself to help others out of empathy and compassion. However, I prefer to be alone and I feel very little desire to actually connect with most people beyond being empathetic to their needs.
The world in my head is inviting and safe. Large groups of people in which I am merely a part of and not the inspirer in give me intense panic-attack anxiety. I feel out of place and hide in the corner. I have thousands of acquaintances and close friends. When I started playing video games online, I felt so at home.
I could hide and also be a social butterfly at the same time. I know there are others who feel the same way. I loved this entire article! You made me learn and understand myself a lot more then I could put into my own words.
Finally found a persons who understood how I felt and I dont feel so alone anymore.
Imsges: introvert girl dating extroverted guy
It is not our job to make people happy or comfortable.
It ends with them switching roles and Cory learning to worry a little about the result of her actions.
This would be like the perfect dating site for us! It is comforting to know that I am not alone. Your comments are spot on. Thanks for helping this introvert extrovertev her own seemingly unsocial behaviour! Yes, yes, yes, all of this!