My daughter is dating a black guy, what should I do?
Yes, I know it seems bizarre and creepy, but there is no denying what I saw with my own eyes. I am half African half French. It sure seems that you are advocating that she be so, and treat her husband like a child. Yes one, It is United that we achieve Greatness. At this point, my wife and I were done. Is he attending and actively involved in church? Say things that seem harmless, but you know will annoy him.
But you can make her confront her own hypocrisy. I arranged for my daughter to speak to a psycologist, she has been for 2 sessions already because I feel this is a rebound relationship and in Cape Town muslim boys tend to use christian girls for sex while their muslim girls sit at home like my daughter does. OR Calls her, he works for the Railroad and he calls and texts the whole time he is at work!!! Engage him in conversation. Mercy M Hass on March 1, at 9: Please email me at Kaymie [at] Iconiccasting.
Yet she swears he is the love of her life and she defends him! We want him to stop seeing her and find a girl who is appropriate. If only it were sensible. When young people are crazy in love, it can seem really crazy to the adults around them. At times, it can seem like the biggest mistake your child could make. At times, it can threaten the very fabric of family life and the larger family culture. When that happens, parents are challenged to the depths of their souls.
Is your love for your child bigger or smaller than your commitment to an opinion, a belief or value system?
You want your adult child to be happy and safe. Your hope is that your disapproval will bring your child to his senses. Forcing an adult child to make the choice between the parents who raised him and the person he loves always ends badly. Cutting off the child will only cut you off from the wheel of life. Does all that really outweigh the fact that you think the choice is misguided? Even when our children become adults, we are more adult than they are.
Romantic love is more powerful than loyalty to parents, at least in the first flush of new romance. Objecting will only make your child even more committed to his choice. Sex is a powerful reinforcer. You have nothing as rewarding to offer. If you force your child to choose between yourself and the love of his life, you will lose. Actually, you all will.
Ask to have a private meeting with your child. Outline your concerns calmly and logically. Reaffirm your love for him. Do not allow yourself to get defensive or angry or threatening. Take the time to get to know the new partner up close and personal.
Invite her to dinner and family outings. Have her over for coffee. Talk, really talk about what interests her and what she is passionate about. Find out how she understands their romance and what she sees in their future. Stay interested and dispassionate. Either your anxieties will diminish or your child will see for himself the issues that make you anxious.
You may not be able, at least yet, to love the person your kid loves — but if you work at it, you can probably find something to admire. The fact that you would post that comment right after news broke about a white man shooting up a black church and killing nine is rather ironic.
Wow…some of these situations are perfectly awful! I prayed for years for the right man and only ever dated or kissed my husband. Not because my parents were that strict but because I feel God knew what would be best for me and prevented all other situations. I have had friends in many different situations but I always prayed for a man who would love God and love me forever. The things he was concerned about were of little importance in the end, because they were simply his preferences not actual problems.
We have grown together spiritually and as individuals. We have had children, been financially strapped as well as having moved nearly half a dozen times. God has made everything beautiful and meaningful in his own time and way.
I so feel for you and my husband has some things too and I would love to talk to you. Do you and your husband attend a church — not that it matters it only helps me understand some things.
My Daughter has been a devoted and dedicated Christian for 4 years and has been a great influence to many of her friends who were not Christians and who now are. She told multiple, suitors that this is her belief before she really gave them the time of day. She had this utopia that the perfect wise and God loving man would just show up and put a ring on her finger.
My son had a great deal of influence over her in this area because, after a few years of drug abuse and being lost he came out of that with a heart for God but also an attitude that he was wise and wanted her to follow in his footsteps for finding a husband.
He married a Christian having only known her for 6 months and truly only dated her long enough to know what was on the surface. Under the advice from his pastor, he was guided to note date any women until it was the girl he would marry.
He was sat down in front of his pastor and asked are you prepared to marry this girl right now and if not you need to not date her. Well under this advice the proposal, and marriage happened within a 3 month period. Fast forward 2 years and my son is in tears telling my daughter to not do what he did because his wife had not had a sober day in over a year. In other words, his influence and talk of his choice being the wise path to take was suddenly shattered.
She now sees the real struggles he is facing and has decided that her utopia of the perfect marriage was just a lie. Now my daughter comes to me and says she feels like she has been a devoted Christian to please others and that her heart was not truly on fire for God. She is questioning everything she has held a firm position about since learning about her brothers not so wise and perfect marriage. Apparently I found the truth of her recent battle within it is not so much that she does not believe in God but that she is torn because she is now dating a guy who she knows would not fit the profile of what she thinks we would approve of.
She is also contemplating a tattoo. This new guy is of another culture and does not fit the blueprint of someone she would normally Consider as a suitable match. She knows she will mostly likely be challenged by the fact that she will not get approval in her choice to date this guy This new love interest might be her rebellion against trying to please everyone for so long.
My husband and I have told her that everyone questions the validity of their faith sometimes when things are going well. I told her that she has not experienced anything truly devastating and has not been brought to her knees by any thing really in her life but when it happens, I promise that Jesus will be who she turns to again because he will not stop pursuing her or abandon her no matter how confused or how much she questions her faith in Him.
We have told her that we love her unconditionally and do not expect perfection. We told her it is OK and enviable that she will make mistakes. We have told her we will never leave her side no matter what and that Jesus will never leave her as well. She is questioning in the validity of Christianity and leaning about the history of other religions.
Being completely honest, it is going to be very hard to walk the talk and follow the way of Jesus not to judge and offer grace to this new boyfriend because of our own pride and prejudice about his culture. We have in all honestly put her on a pedestal as the perfect daughter and that is really our mistake. As she makes these choices, how do we really show her that we love and trust her adult choices and let her fall off the pedestal we have put her on?
How will we handle the comments and judgements from our family about her choices when they have also put her on a pedestal! Wow — I have the same questions — I am a mother of 4 21,20,19 and A year ago in July our 20 year old daughter and her boyfriend of almost 2 years were being pushed to marry so they do not sin sexually. He asked for our blessing and we liked him but not the idea of marriage while they were both still in school on the Wednesday and was killed in a car crash on the Friday, 2 days later.
Our family has struggled since — however, we are all christian and that has really helped us on this journey but it has been very difficult still. He tok her to meet his family on the first date and after weeks of not taking it slow, the word marriage came up.
Once again, the church was encouraging marriage rather than to sin sexually. We could not provide scripture to say why she should wait to get to know this guy but they were in a rush to marry in December when he was home from school goes to Southern Seminary in Kentucky — we live in Canada so he could take her with him back to school.
She quit her education and he has convinced her to work while he finishes school. He says he feels bad that she will have to support him. He also says that it is good for them to marry because they cannot control themselves sexually — however, he lives in Kentucky right now. Our daughter has always lived at home — they have never come to our house, always his, they are very isolated and the church people are surrounding them with approval.
My husband and I are devastated — he asked for our blessing to marry her in December and we said no that we had a few things we wanted them to do first and to wait. He proposed anyway and they at least are waiting until June. The mention of his name makes us sick — we never see our daughter as she has moved out to live with a family from her church.
I just feel something is not right — we have tried to talk with our daughter but she will have nothing to do with us now. I do not know how I will be able to get through this wedding. This is good advice. I dated and eventually married a man who almost split me from my parents. When I stepped towards becoming engaged to Matt, my dad started balking and started going the opposite way.
He found every reason to criticize Matt and could see nothing good about him. Then, the fatal mistake, he tried to force me to do what he thought was right. I made so many mistakes with dealing with this.
There are so many things I should have done differently. But when he felt like he was loosing control, he tried to hold tighter. And this just made me struggle more against it and stop listening. God gives you parents for a reason. But after a certain point, you choose your own way.
He held onto me too tightly and I felt like I had to break free. My dad did this as a last resort and I went crying to Matt. Our daughter is 20 years old and met a boy 24 yrs who claims to be a Christian.
Our daughter lives at home. Here is the issue — He has questionable Spiritual issues. He is not involved with a Church. He is a new Christian, but he has tattoos on his entire arm and a few others on the other arm. My daughter is a Christian, attends Church but we feel he is not a future husband for her. She is blinded by this guy because he treats her well but we feel he is not a good spiritual guy for her.
Do we have this guy over at our house when we feel he is not spiritually right for her? And do not feel he would be a good fit for her?
I think you can just involve him in your family—invite him to church, make Sundays family days where you go to church and then play games or have fun together afterwards; get him involved in your life. She needs to see it herself. A good attitude to try to have is that this is, ultimately, her decision. My dad tried doing that and I ended up marrying the boy. If you try to take the decision away from her, she will cling to it all the more, or, at least, I did. So get to know him. You might change your mind.
My dad had 1 one-on-one talk with my boyfriend in the 2 years I was dating him, and it helped my dad see what I saw in Matt. I had thousands of one-on-one talks with Matt and knew I liked him. Lastly, and I feel like this is really important: This will make it so much easier for her to break up with him, if she ultimately sees your point of view. My dad started doing this. But then, when we got engaged, my dad started freaking out and at one point said that if I chose to marry Matt, he would shun me.
Matt had never threatened that. Be gentle, shower her with affection, and, above all else, love her by trying to understand why she loves who she loves. There is a reason, beyond just him being nice to her.
She sees some sort of future with this guy. I hope it goes well! Guys I am desperate and need some solid advice. We are christian and my daughter had mostly a phone relationship with a muslim boy for 3 years.
He is a year younger than my daughter, took her to her matric ball and saw her maybe 5 times in 3 years. His strict muslim parents told him he could have a girlfriend when he finished matric and turned Well he turned 18 the day after he finished his matric exams and was promptly told by his parents that there is no girlfriend boyfriend relationships allowed in islam. My daughter having waited 3 years again agreed to wait until they both finished varsity.
Things got out of hand though because they attended the same varsity and this very friendly boy made time for all and sundry except my daughter. In the meantime my daughter was driving with a lift club to varsity and the driver of the car started persuing my daughter.
This boy is also muslim and his father is a muslim priest. I know for a fact that when my daughter refused him he became violent and clutched her jaw so tight he left bruises. I didnt know this but a friend of my daughter told me a while later and I removed her from the lift club. When she was seeing the first boy I had told her that if it did not work out between them she was not to bring home another muslim boy.
She remembered this and kept the second boy a secret for about 4 months before she brought him home. Every bit of advice I got about keeping your friends close and enemies closer flew out the window and within the time it took me to make a cup of tea I was asking this boy what his intentions were.
I let him know that I would never accept my daughter converting to islam, I spoke to them about children in mixed religions, how the parent was responsible for bringing up the child in the christian faith.
I told him we dont worship the same God because my God has a son Jesus Christ who died on the cross for me and his allah did not have a son. My daughter was very upset at this conversation wanting to know why I was talking about marriage.. This boy told my daughter to leave the room and she got up like a puppy and obeyed him.
Besides being muslim my other concerns are: He doesnt know to remove his peak cap when he enters my house. I had to ask him to remove the cap. My daughter went out to speak to him at his car one time and I went out and told him that if he wanted to speak to my daughter ever, he had to do it in my house. I told him at our first meeting that I didnt trust him and that he had to earn my trust.
I found out he had picked my daughter up after another function she was at and took her to sit at the beach at night. Cape Town is dangerous and people have been held up, robbed and some girls raped at these lonely spots. My daughter refuses to understand this. I recently found out that this boy smokes dagga. I dont know of any others but it is possible. This boy when he was doing the lift club often called in the morning to say he was not going in to varsity and I then had to pick up his other passengers as well and take and fetch them from varsity which is 98km for both the morning and afternoon trips.
I knew then that this boy had no work ethic and my daughter thought the same because he was repeating his first year at that time and failed again last year and is repeating one subject this year so he can continue with his degree next year. He visited my home for about a month and a half before I found out that he smokes dagga and then told him that I want him to stay away from my daughter and that I would be visiting his parents to tell them about the drugs.
Prior to this he never took my daughter to meet his family and I dont think he ever had intentions of doing that.. I played right into his hands because they then claimed that they broke up but I know that they are still seeing each other at varsity. Another worry is that when he visited my daughter, everytime he came he would go through her phone. One time when he was due to come visit my daughter asked her friend to delete her chats while my daughter dried her hair. I arranged for my daughter to speak to a psycologist, she has been for 2 sessions already because I feel this is a rebound relationship and in Cape Town muslim boys tend to use christian girls for sex while their muslim girls sit at home like my daughter does.
I made sure of that, even the time they went to sit at the beach.. Im ashamed to say how I know, just believe I do. My daughter swore at me this morning because I asked her to clean the kitchen which she dirtied anyway and I lost it and told her to go to this boy, that I dont want her in my house anymore, that I will not be taking and fetching her from varsity anymore, that she is on her own because I cant allow her to disrespect me in that way and this while I am making sacrifices knowing that the day she finds her first job that she will be out of here and off to support this person who looks like a gangster.
My 26 year old son spoke privately with my daugter this morning at which time she showed her brother a picture of this boy. My daughter is very proper, or so I thought until she swore at me and my son seems to think that this boy would be out of place in a restuarant and that the best eat out for the two of them would be slap chips from a fish and chips cafe.
A trusted friend told me that I have to let go and let her make her own mistakes.. How does any mother do that knowing that this boy is on drugs, a different religion, and the fact that muslim boys use christian girls. Eish, I went overboard but these are the facts and I would appreciate any advise please on how to go forward. He comes from a Palestinian family that are devote Muslims. He — had chosen not to practice their religion.
His mother contacted me to tell me that they do not approve of the relationship. I told her that my daughter is an adult and can make decisions on her own. After almost a year of dating, my daughter confessed that the bf is emotionally abusive, drinks too much, etc. After describing an incident where he actually threatened to hit her and called her the most vile of names, we told her that given his behavior we were not comfortable with him and he was no longer welcome in our home.
We are sticking to our boundaries. My daughter is She has been in an off and on relationship with this young man for 4 years. They started dating her junior year of high school. He was a senior. He had asked her to go to prom. Two weeks before prom he broke up with her over a text message, then later that week he asked someone else to prom.
He went into date someone else, not the one he asked to prom during that summer and into the fall when he left to college.
Then around thanksgiving he started texting my daughter again and they hung out during the holidays. It was her senior year. They started taking again after her graduation. I met him at a local coffee shop and expressed my feeling on how he had treated my daughter. I told him she deserved better than to be token up with over a text message and if he was going to date her again he would have to respect her as a human and not take the relationship lightly.
I tried, really hard,to like him. I have a hard time with forgiveness. Especially when it comes to my children getting hurt. He would come over, just walk in our house. They really never went anywhere but to eat and they just stayed at my house. But they continued to date.
They finally broke up after Christmas Not even a week later, he was dating someone else! She was in high school. He is now The way my daughter was acting,I thoughtforsurr we were done with him. She started going out with friends, having fineven went on dates with other boys. Like a normal young adult does….
My daughter has lots of dreams and goals. He has no job, plays golf and video games all day. He is going to college but has not decided what for. My daughter has been in a relationship for 4 years on and of,Her boyfreind is not the father of her children,he has bashed her over 5 times,He has contolled ,her,money,and to the stage where he said to her pick your family or him. My daughter is now in the mental health unit for past 3 days as he keeps her on synathetic ice, to keep controll of her,theres a dvo on him,but yesterday he locked him self in her house and screwed the insides of the doors shut with big bolts,My daughters father went to get clothes for our grandchildren he couldnt get in so police breached him for the 4th time,the boyfreind smashed my grandchildrens tv,s playstation, with a hokey stick and waved it at my daughter 3 weeks ago,he just got out of the wachouse ,and now hes storking me while my daughters in hospital and im in the childrens ward looking after my grandsughter with a bowel problem,and he parked 2 cars up storking me,hes also told my 10 year old grandson that he wont have a grandma too much longer!
This story was great for my situation except my daughter is The boyfriend is He is so controlling she no longer has much of her friends. There is still one that refuses to give up on her. She has to show him all conversations she has with anyone via message. I have never actually hated a child until him.
I dont know what to do. Her grades are dropping to the point she may not be able to attend the college she had planned and we are no longer as close as we always were. I am scared that she will be stuck in this relationship forever and feel helpless.
While on vacation at the beach she wouldnt swim. I couldnt figure out why, she lives the water. Later I read her messages and he is very mad at her for being at the beach with her family. He said she should know her place is with him and that she better not have a bathing suite on. A girl from school messaged her about volleyball sign ups.
She had to forward all the messages to him because he said she was lying about what they were about because school is over at 3: It goes on and on but its exhausting just thinking about it. Any suggestions as to what I can do?
Only let her see him at your house if you let her see him at all. And it needs to be taken seriously! I made my daughter split with her boyfriend after things got verbally abusive.
Now that she is 19, they are back together. It is so hard to stomach. My daughter has been on and off with an incredibly manipulative older boy for years. At one point he shoved her and hurt her back.
He has told her he is questioning his sexuality but that makes her chase him more. She has dumped the sweetest Christian boys to keep restarting a relationship with him.
I cannot stand him. Now she is over 18 and we have no control. She spends all her time with him away from us because she thinks we hate him we do.
No idea what to do now as she leaves a trail of broken hearts. I went through this with my daughter and fortunately, she did see the light.
When she was in high school, she got a part time job in a restaurant and started dating this other teen who worked there. He seemed nice, but there just was something not right about him.
He took her to the prom and came home disheveled with her dress torn and was crying that he attacked her and she had to hit him to get him to stop.
He tried to get back with her a few times after that, but she refused. My daughter is 20 met a guy one week after her grandma passed away. He is 28 4 kids with two different ladies. He is on parole from prison for large amounts of stealing. My daughter thinks he is her world, this is not how she was raised, they are living together except for the fact they have no place to live so they bounce around. She refuses to come back home to get on her feet and she has not been able to hold down a job I believe due to depression from her grandma passing.
She only accepts help from his family which his whole family is in trouble with the law. His parents do things that are contrary to my beliefs allowing them to live together in their home and her quality of life has gone downhill.
She was working and paying her way through school, even had her own apartment before this guy. I was so proud of her. He is her first boyfriend and I get so tired of the tales of woe.
No physical abuse but he is controlled by his mother and then he in line, controls my daughter. I have only met him once and was not impressed whatsoever. I know that nothing will change until she decides that she is through with that lifestyle, but it truly is a difficult thing to deal with as a parent. I have an 18 year old daughter who met a 21 year old via kik, a texting app online. She was active in the church and we always remind her of christian values to observe if you want to date anyone.
She never liked to go to school proms because she said she does not want to go through the trouble of asking the guy to meet us first before we let her attend. Fast forward, we found out accidentally, one morning I was about to charge her phone that she was heavily sexting with this guy for the past 8 months and all the christian values our daughter knew before were all gone. From their conversation, I gather that our daughter is in love to the idea of having someone to talk to her, someone who is sweet and sensitive to her feelings.
He even ordered our daughter to get out of her class and do it in the school bathroom because he is horny and a good girlfriend will please him anytime he wants…or else he will leave him. He even said that he will be with her as long as she pleases him. During spring break they had a plan to finally meet personally behind our backs and one of those days I came home from work, my daughter was so disrespectful to me answering back that I told her if she cannot follow our house rule then she is free to go.
Our daughter threw away a promising future because of this guy she cannot even finish high school. Please, any advice is greatly appreciated on how to cope up with this tragedy.
If at a very slim chance she comes back, what shall we do, what shall we tell her, how can we make her see that this guy does not really love her as a person? She is our only child. And pray hard, and trust God.
OR Calls her, he works for the Railroad and he calls and texts the whole time he is at work!!! He has to know where she is at all times and what she is doing. He will call her phone, hang up call again, hang up call again!!!
It is soooo annoying. WE keep telling her that her life will be awful if she continues this relationship! We do not want our grandson around him at all! Every week he blows up for some reason, his sister says he needs help, he is bipolar!
I have no idea if he was truly diagnosed with it or if she is just saying that. But it sure does seem like he is. Sooo they pulled him over and all he got was disorderly conduct!!!! THey should have drug tested him!!!! He would have gotten a DUI, but I think his parents know someone and got him out of it! What do you do when all other avenues have been exhausted?
We allowed him over from family functions, meals, holidays, etc. We were constantly disgusted at how he interacted with our daughter and family he would act out sexually with our daughter in front of us, he physically hurt both of my younger daughters on several occasions and laughed it off as playing. We attempted to bring him into the fold and teach him what proper behavior was. We told them the only way that was going to happen would be if they were married and they agreed to shoulder some of the financial burden.
As an ordained minister, I submitted my credentials and prepared to marry them. Additionally, we began searching for a larger home to accommodate all of us. At this point, my wife and I were done. We told our daughter that we tried, however, her boyfriend was no longer welcome in our home. Since then, she has almost completely withdrawn from us, unless she needs money which we are refusing to give to her, not as a punishment, rather, we have told her we are not going to finance her lifestyle.
I am broken hearted, I want a relationship with my daughter, but I cannot continue to pretend that everything is all right and condone her behavior.
I want her to understand what she is doing to herself, but, in her mind, we are being intolerant and judgmental. Her Boy friend She grew up in. This guy in the past year has devistated us and our daughter. He provided alchohol and drugs to her for almost a year. Now he is on jail. But she still talks to him And feels responsible for him being in jail. He have her alchohol and it ended up putting her in the hospital 2x. How do we convience her that this is a deadly toxic xrelationship.
Parents keep your daughters out of the food and restruant industry. Flooded with drug and alchohol users. Cell phones are the enemies tool. You have no idea what drug user has tricked your daughter in giving him her number. This situation has killed our family for almost a year.
She is back home because he is on jail. She is behaving and has agreed to get advise. For 10 months she was living in motels and before he went to jail they had no money and stayed behind a buildin. I am desperate for help. My 19 year old daugher was a college student, she worked, came from a good family, smart, but did not have alot of self esteem, gullible. I recently found out she was seeing a boy behind my back. I do know of him and do not approve.
So when I found out we had an argument, told her we did not want her seeing him, etc. In a few days, she left for work and never came back. She went to live with him at his parents house. She left with nothing, just the uniform on her back. I have pleaded with her to come home and work this out. She has yet to come home. Within the past 6 weeks, she has quit her job, they spent all of her money about in 10 days. She was very dedicated to college, absolutely thrived and loved it.
She swore she would still go back. She was a nursing major, dance club, and some other med clubs.
Imsges: daughter dating bad guy
Anonymous on September 19, at You have nothing as rewarding to offer.
RPGs are nothing more than a cross between a video game without screens and a choose your own adventure novel of sorts. Ask him to help with things around the house, like fixing some plumbing or changing the oil on your car or something. You will miss out on your daughter and your grandchildren, and I will enjoy having a relationship with them.
My daughter is dating a black guy? Your child will always be your child. A trusted friend told me that I have to let go and let her make her own mistakes. Distorted Body Image in Teenagers. If your husband is a Christian, then he needs to be confronted on his daughter dating bad guy of being racist and of judging this man and daughtet relationship unfairly. Harm to minors, violence or threats, harassment or privacy invasion, dating delta force or misrepresentation, fraud or phishing, show more.
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