Great app for people in this position. That goes for what I studied in school and what I do now, but for different reasons. Still no success though. Plus they usually had free food at every meeting which is a boost. What do you mean by zero luck on Tinder? And who knows what country I'll be in tomorrow. GradSchool My roommates bf lives in India, so one has to stay up very late to speak to the other.
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Male here sorry if this ends up being a long post. Dress nicely, and know how to sell your thesis. Don't try to start conversations in places where people don't expect to have them. I went on one date nearly every night for a couple weeks before I met my now husband. Especially since ive met total assholes and douchebags that have no trouble getting dates. Put yourself in places where you might meet other grad students.
Sure, we get that you're older than she was and all: But there are plenty of undergrads out there who are mature past their age, and it seems like you're categorically rejecting them because you assume they're immature. The giant wall, insofar as there is one, came from her reaction to finding out that I'm much older than she assumed me to be based on my disclosure that I had been doing something consciously for 15 years, not that I happen to have a better feel for a genre of music that we both listen to due to experiences.
The problem was her shock at finding out how much time I've had to garner that experience. I'm not categorically rejecting undergrads, I was trying to indicate the ways in which it seemed like undergrads were seeing me as too old to date. I mean, "it's not me it's them" is probably the wrong attitude to take considering the pretension and defeatism you're pointing out, but it's how I was justifying it in this scenario at least. I really think you're internalizing this too much: I thought you were in your thirties when I read this previously.
Plenty of my 20 year old friends date guys around 25 or older. If I were you, I'd focus on dating slightly older undergrads juniors and seniors along with people outside of the university. Sure, dating a 20 year old might not be easy. But if she had been 22 rather than 19, the whole story would have been different.
This worked for me. At first I thought dating in grad school was hard. Then I looked around and saw all of my attractive grad student friends with a wide social circle get dates easily. These were mostly people like public policy or MSW majors. I started lifting weights and after a few months things got way easier with everyone, the difference was huge. Between that and being aggressive about meeting people introducing myself to women who smiled at me and if they seemed interested asking them for their number dating became way easier than I had thought it would and now dating in grad school is just like dating anywhere else.
FWIW, you're not alone! I'm a woman in math, considered conventionally attractive, can't manage to meet anyone since school started without it feeling weird as hell hahaha.
Then youll meet people from outside of school altogether. All the girls in their 30s are in the same sinking boat. I meant they are all in teh same sinking lifeboat as everyone else! There is no women over 30 here lol. And btw I'm still on Tinder, I haven't stopped. Still no success though. I'm okay hooking up with someone in their 30s, but I'd much rather date someone my own age.
I am in the exact same position, except I'm a woman over 30 and all I'm left with is men who "just want something casual. Like I said, I'd much rather date someone closer my own age, but I wouldn't completely dismiss someone over Actually just recently I asked a girl out and I believe she's around yrs old. She turned me down.
And meanwhile my single friends in their 30s who are looking to find something casual can only find guys interested in getting married. Screen out everyone who says that or who is obviously trying to hide it , and many of those left will be good candidates for marriage. Worked for me, anyway.
I found the love of my life while in grad school and got married before graduating! Oh, by the way, going through with the wedding before graduating is a good idea, even if it sounds counterintuitive. Planning a wedding after you've moved away from everyone you know and while you're trying to adjust to a new life and a new job is hard.
Planning a wedding in your spare time while you're still a student is comparatively easy. I just moved for a postdoc and so far all I've found are men who seem to be either incredibly immature or incredibly insecure. Everyone else I've met is already committed. I'm starting to lose hope. I have zero problem going after undergraduates lol, and it's not that I haven't tried. I just haven't had any success.
I can't shake off the feeling that they're not interested in me. I dit try it for a very brief period of time a couple of weeks or so. At the time there weren't that many girls on it so deleted my account. Also the app was kinda buggy. Yep, use Bumble male , have had good success with balancing grad school and dates that are more than hooking up. Obviously the geographical area plays an important role.
I am in a large metro area. I just read you are in a college town. You may have to do long-distance. Which isn't easy, but it's doable.
It's easier when both of you are grad students, because you don't have the other party going "I'm off work! Can we meet for drinks?
Looking back, I think I met more people online with similar interests novels, gaming, opera, e. If you aren't into sports, which I am not, then joining a sports team is kind of moot.
But it's really hard to find a fellow opera lover, or an avid reader who likes the stuff you do. Hey OP, I'm doing my PhD in a small town as well and have been dealing with the same issues you've talked about. I could write out a lot here, but if you want to talk about it, PM me.
Just stay away from women with children. Especially the townies outside a college area. Even more so if you're in the South. Good suggestions, but really? Please get with the times. Men over 30 are in just as much of a "sinking boat" as women and to imply anything different is stupid. I'm there with you man, except I'm in a much larger city, so there aren't really any grad student hangouts.
I'm also a bit older My experience with dating sites hasn't been all that positive too plenty of interest, just not a lot of potential. I feel like a big part of it is just meeting people, and I've really found there seems to be no intentional way to do that. At the end of the day, most social things a university does is centered around the undergrad population. It also doesn't help that grad students aren't known to be the most social bunch. I really never go to bars to meet anyone new.
Most people are there with their group and aren't looking to meet anyone new at least not anyone they intend to see after leaving the bar.
I've started just going to random events that attract older crowds by myself and going from there. Game nights, cooking classes, and so on. Nothing romantic has come of it, but I've made friends, and maybe things will come from that down the road. And hey - at worst, I've made friends.
Try working at an Ag research station two hours from main campus in a backwards conservative hellhole. Don't try to intentionally meet anyone. Put yourself in places where you might meet other grad students. Write at a nice coffee shop or pub, be social with those around you. Once you're a regular it'll be easy to meet people. Your new coffee buddies might even set you up.
That's why I'm frustrated, because I have been consistently putting myself in positions where I might meet people not necessarily just grad students and not much has come out of it. Especially for the last year. And I generally have no problem being social, but for whatever reason I can't get past idle 30 second chit chat with people I don't know. I've been going to the same coffee shop at least 3 times a week for the last 6 months or so. I know the people who work there and they know me.
As far as I can tell people go to those sort of places with a set goal in mind e. Missing the first week or two of the semester could mean having to wait until the start of the next semester or next year for people to change their routine and be more available to meet new people. As a grad student who lives on an island, I'll go months without meeting anyone new, and then meet tons of new people in a 2 or 3 week period usually around the start of the new semester.
This semester, I was away for the first month, and I still haven't really met any of the new grad students in the department In undergrad I met new people every semester mostly because of classes. Now I'm not taking classes anymore, so it doesn't happen. Sure there are new people who join the department every year, but as I said, unfortunately my field is heavily male dominated. Not to be rude, but do you dress moderately well and smile?
I dress like a five year old most days, but if I know I'll be outside the lab I wear a button down and nice jeans. Talking to people is an art. I hate talking unless I'm drunk, so I ask questions more and actively listen. Ladies love that shit. Also, never say more than two layman sentences about what you do. I've been looking for a new place to eat, what's your favorite place?
Boom, conversation moving and easy date setup. I agree overall about short layman descriptions but I disagree on describing your own work as boring. If you have a genuine interest in your field and you should if you're doing graduate studies you should learn how to talk about it enthusiastically without boring your audience.
It might even spark a conversation about something less trivial than the news or the weather. In my albeit limited experience people like interesting people, so making yourself interesting is a step in the right way.
Unless you're hot, then there is probably a different set of rules I am not aware of because I look like shit. If that's not possible and let's face it, with some fields, it's not , just learn to talk about how interesting and lucrative your future job will be.
Frankly, I would get sick of trying to present a pop-science version of my field dumbed down enough for outsiders to understand it. That goes for what I studied in school and what I do now, but for different reasons. Boring with no way to redeem it in most people's eyes, and completely opaque to anyone without an MS in math. What I do now captures the public interest a bit more but mainly because people's notions of it are more wildly optimistic than they ought to be, and explaining what I really do isn't fun actually doing it is fun, but explaining it isn't , so I always just look for a way out of the conversation.
I'm married to someone who has a completely different specialty and doesn't need to know the details of mine, which is idea, I think. It's great because we don't bother each other about work, and there was never any unspoken competition to be better than the other. That's one reason I never considered dating within my department. What was your dissertation about, out of curiosity?
I probably won't understand it but I'm curious as to whether it is as absolutely boring as you make it out to be. I don't want to give myself away too much about my identity, so I'll just say that it was a very technical area of mathematics that hardly anyone cares about, and the big theorem I covered required a proof that stretched over several dozen pages of equations.
If I had to give a subdiscipline, I'd probably go with algebraic geometry. I dress nicely everyday. My work is theoretical physics so I can do it anywhere, so always make sure I'm presentable. I prefer nice pants, t-shirt and a nice jacket, but occasionally I'll wear button down. I'm 5'11'', I work out I'm fit but not huge and in college I was told a few times that I'm good looking.
Yes, talking to people is an art, and because of that it's hard to know what you're doing wrong. I ask questions and I listen; and I don't pretend, I genuinely like getting to know people not just women. I have plenty of interests outside science so I generally don't talk about my work unless people ask me to. Do you really ask women out right after you meet them? That's never worked for me. Nor for anyone I know.
And in general, I've always been more comfortable asking a woman out after I talked to her for bit and notice some sign of interest on her part even if it's extremely vague and I haven't seen that lately. Ive tried doing it differently but it just feels kinda awkward. It's not you - it sounds like you're doing everything more or less right. I think that with dating apps becoming more popular, younger people are just becoming less open to meeting strangers when they go out, and in general are moving towards compartmentalizing their dating lives through these apps.
It's definitely a trend and I think it's kind of depressing, and would explain some of what you're experiencing. What do you mean by zero luck on Tinder?
Is there just not a large enough pool of potential matches to begin with? That's what it sounds like, and I guess there's not much you can do about that. Maybe give OKC a shot if your town's not too isolated. I've tried OKCupid and some other sites, but because it's a college town most people are on Tinder.
The other sites are hardly populated. I can't say for sure how many people are on Tinder in total. The app uses some weird algorithm where the total people it shows you is proportional to the number of times people swipe you right or something. The school itself is around 35, students - I would assume that's pretty big but idk. Idk if this is normal, good or bad, since none of my friends use Tinder.
Out of the people that I match with, very few will respond to my first message, and most will stop responding after 2 messages or so. In the 6 months since I started using Tinder, only 3 or 4 matches have agreed to give me their numbers.
Unfortunately I couldn't land any physical dates with any of them. There is some churn in users on okcupid and so on. As new people arrive, people that gave up try again, etc.
I met my girlfriend on 3 years on there even though it is very sparsely populated in my location also a college town. Bumble is probably about the same, except on their it's one in five or ten who will message me at all. Keep in mind that most women on dating sites get deluged with more messages than they could possibly keep up with, and the majority of those messages are either generic attempts at casting a wide net or downright crude and offensive. Treat messages like a job application.
Don't try to affect a "casual" air, because that just makes you look like a player. I would totally go out with a cute guy who seemed sane and respectful, even if he asked me out on our first meeting.
If you miss that opportunity you might never see them again, won't that suck? You can't count on running into the same person multiple times by accident. This may be what I actually need to start doing. Like I said, I never felt comfortable asking a girl out right away. I always try to chat first and look for signs of interest on her part before I move forward. Otherwise it feels kinda "out-of-the-blue" and awkward.
Especially if it's in an environment like a university club meeting or an organization which is currently where i meet most new people outside of the lab. I'd hate for someone to stop coming to club meetings just because I made them feel awkward. I think the other poster and most people in similar situations find it challenging to start a conversation with a stranger, even at a coffee shop.
I've never seen a conversation between two strangers start up at a coffee shop and I've been going to them several times a week for a few years now. I've seen guys try but they've always been guys who were socially clueless and it made the women and the people sitting near her uncomfortable.
I've never seen it done successfully, or even attempted by people with decent social skills. You use that to make friends, then by hanging out with the new friends you can meet their friends, thus propagating yourself in the social graph, like some sort of parasite trying to find a new host to hatch.
You're basically doing packet routing from one social network to another. Don't try to start conversations in places where people don't expect to have them. If you're a man talking to a woman in such a situation, you'll make her feel threatened, even if you don't mean to. It'll probably lead to nothing, and you'll make someone else's day much worse. Yeah I get that, and I never do. I got the impression that a couple of the posters above were doing it so I was curious how. Even if it works for others it would be my style.
Wow, it seems I'm a lot more sympathetic to your predicament than a lot of people here. As someone who was a student at a small school in a small town, I can confirm that those two circumstances make having a robust dating life difficult, especially when you're not an undergrad.
From personal experience as well as from some media sources, it's my impression that academics in small towns are mostly, well, single.
Or in long-distance relationships. When I was in your position, I'd just focus on my work, and yeah, I'd go through month-long periods of no dating activity whatsoever.
It is what it is. Bars at dinner time. Grab a drink, go with a friend, and chat. They're great because you can see a lot of people and oogle each other. But terrible because making any move is awkward because the business is set up to keep you isolated.
YOu have to walk over and sit down. So go to the Uni's weekly big bar nights with a friend. Dress nicely, and know how to sell your thesis. If you're in grad school you have to know how to sell your shit: Just do the same thing, but with no detail.
It's cool because x. I work with x, y, and z. The military uses this for a. I've skimmed through the thread briefly so I can try not to repeat anyone, but looking at your answers I honestly think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to be dating but at the same time probably being extremely picky my guess. You seem to be at least spending some significant time thinking about this topic, while you're limiting yourself to your college town.
You can date someone living in a town or two away, it's very possible. Anyways, what concerns me more is what I said previously, you're spending way too much time thinking about this.
I'm going to sound totally PI right now, but you should really be focusing this energy on your research and graduating. Now don't get me wrong, dating is nice, having a life outside of academia is important - but it shouldn't be something that you're stressing out about. You're having a dry spell. You'll survive, your situation will change sooner rather than later, focus your energy on other things.
Your focus should not be searching for a relationship. Particularly given that if OP is a grad student in the middle of BFE, and hopes to leave BFE post graduation, a relationship would only complicate that. Tinder, scaling back expecations from relationship to something more casual, and rethinking his invisible wall against upperclasswomen - whom he is only 2 or 3 years older than, geez - are my advice.
Lately I have spent some time thinking about this, and while so far it hasn't interfered with my work, it might in the near future. However, I think I might not have expressed myself clearly: What I'm saying is I would be ok with casual sex and hook ups. Im not actively looking for a relationship.
And it's very hard to stop thinking about something that I'm biologically wired to think, lol, especially when I'm not getting it. Men think about sex every 7 seconds, that kinda thing. I have a problem with this. Maybe it's not the right way to think about it, and maybe it's toxic thinking, but I can't help feeling that I'm letting the best years of my life fly by.
I'm 24, and as shallow as this may sound, I don't wanna wait till 30 to get laid. And research is important to me, don't get me wrong, but it's not everything.
But you are right to a certain extent. I should stop worrying about it so much. If anything it makes me less attractive. Also, do realize you're at a bad "dating" age. You're a grad student, you're poor. There's still a lot of maturing that occurs between early to late 20s. Most of the people your age chose not to be temporarily poor and are making more money than you, that means they can take people out on regular dates. It's a hard age to start a relationship, once you get past this hump no pun intended it'll get better.
You're just at an awkward dating age working with lack of financial stability, which frankly many 24 yo females will consider. Just ride it through, put some solid investments in getting to know people regardless of their sex without any hope for anything more, and use Tinder and bars to deal with the other stuff.
I don't know about the age in general, but I wouldn't say I'm poor. Idk what field are you in, but in my field the stipend is pretty good, and on top of that I have very few expenses no tuition, fees, etc I buy new clothes every month, I eat out pretty much every day, plus other expenses just for fun and I still have some money left at the end of the month for my savings account. I don't own a car but that's by choice environmental reasons. Not necessarily, just do what I do and date another grad student.
Double the fun and double the misery. And you can talk to them about your work and have them actually understand and give helpful advice! Do people in other fields have it better?
Working in corporate finance isn't exactly the most exciting thing, nor is tax or family law. Around my area plenty of people can't even talk about their job since most info is classified, or they work for a defense contractor whose job is literally to build weapons and kill people. These fields often make more money , but that's not always a showstopper, there are plenty of people out there who will date you even knowing that you won't make more cash for a year or three.
In fact, many people I've dated have said "I admire that, I really want to go back to school someday, it's great you're actually doing it. There are plenty of other things you can talk about other than research: People rarely actually care to hear much about your job. They often just want to date someone who is doing something they believe in and proud of it. Problem is that while vaguely most of my interests and activities sort of revolve around my university life.
I seem to have mingled up the two to the point where I can't tell where one ends and one begins. If the hobbies you have don't allow you to meet women, you need to make changes and find new hobbies that do.
People usually don't just show up out of nowhere. You have control over what kinds of activities you do, and I'm sure there is some sort of activity you can find that will mesh with your passions and allow you to meet women.
For example, I see you're getting an MA in gender studies. I'm sure you can find political organizations or activist groups that would allow you to pursue things you're passionate about but also meet friends who would probably subsequently know people you could date. If that doesn't work, one thing I'll throw out is sports. I hated sports as a young PhD student. But as I forced myself to do them I started to get good at them and now like them a lot. Things like ultimate frisbee are low key and everyone plays them.
Friends-wise, I do meet many people and I'm pretty satisfied from that point of view, but I am aware that I tend to be a bit of a one-topic kind of person. But just interest wise, I do volunteer, go to events, read a lot, spend way too much time reading politics and social studes and reddit, etc.
It's just that in a way I link all of this to this big glob called 'zgarbas as an interdisciplinary student'. I do very few things that I cannot somehow link to that idea. But I guess that's the danger of going to grad school in a topic that you so deeply and ideologically connect with. More than any other problem like being in grad school, this is probably your problem. As an adult man that doesn't meet a ton of women organically like you did in undergrad you have to be pretty active about pursuing people to make sure you keep the ball rolling.
Not the OP here: Also not a man. Then I research them and it gets awkward. It doesn't bother me much since I have other priorities atm: Actually if you know how to sell it which I don't, at least not always , people can be really fascinated by your research more so than most people with jobs. A couple of times in which I think I did a good job selling it, I literally saw people in awe of me. But when looking to date people, impressing them isn't quite the thing you're going for.
It's more like, you're genuinely trying to decide how well you connect and whatnot. Going in with the goal of impressing usually ends up badly, at least in my experience. I'm merely talking about attractiveness. People are more likely to be attracted to you if you are interesting. Research makes you interesting, if you know how to sell it. Use Tinder, but use it as if you were meeting friends. Be less picky on looks for a first date.
Encourage a quick meet up for a drink after work. Happy hours are good for your budget. I've been using Tinder for about 6 months. I don't think I'm that picky when it comes to looks - unless you're terribly overweight, I'll swipe right.
I also swipe left if I suspect you're a bot, but they're pretty obvious. At best, I get 1 or 2 matches a week. Most will ignore my first message and never reply. Some will reply but stop after a couple of messages. I think only 3 or 4 ended up giving me their number, but never managed to get them on a physical date. You may just need to edit: Are your pictures clear and well lit? Have a female friend look over your profile or feel free to PM me, tbh.
You need to look inviting and attractive and not creepy. You should also seem interesting. I followed online guides and have tried to make my profile as interesting as I can. As far as attractiveness goes I think I am, but can't say for sure anymore.
I mean, point-blank, if you're in a college town for a school that doesn't have a big graduate population, you are probably going to face an uphill battle. I don't think I'm particularly attractive, and I recognize that gay male dynamics are totally different than straight people, but I have found a lot of success with suggesting to meet for a drink really early… After five or six messages back-and-forth, say hey, you seem really cool, and normal I find it hard to keep up with this app, do you think I could buy you a drink sometime?
The point is make real world connections before trying to find someone to date. This sounds like most of my guy friend's experience on tinder. Some people don't use it to meet people as much as just to swipe so don't feel rejected by it. I've had a hard time making friends in my school. I caught a lucky break when two of my classmates came over to work on a group project and we hit it off really well - are you friends with anyone in your department? Is there a graduate student association?
I didn't even know we had one of these until one of those friends mentioned it. It seems that a lot of graduate students feel lost and have trouble making friends and dating. I'm going to my first GSA event this weekend! Most of my friends are in the same department, male, and pretty much in the same predicament lol.
We do have a something similar to a GSA, and I attended a few of their meetings in my first year, but at the time very few people attended. They were not that well organized. I haven't checked in a year so idk what is their situation now. Our department holds events but from a dating point of view it's useless. Probably, but I would think they're for their own students.
I would try going to other department's events anyway. Worst they can do is ask you to leave. Sometimes these don't get advertised that well, but there should be a reception where you can mingle with other students. Dating during grad school Life After Dating: I can relate in that I did all of my career planning while single, but now I'm dating during grad school and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.
Also, you can put off changing your name until you're done with school. However, you do need a partner who understands. The question about changing your name doesn't typically come up while you're filing for your marriage license I'm still not sure how to do it, actuallyso you don't have to worry about it until later. A dating during grad school months ago the answer would have been a resounding YES.
I moved across the country for my PhD and she was just starting her Masters. The friends I have who are in the process of dating during grad school married in grad school I've been dating married life is not particularly hard during grad school.
Not to mention plans are much more malleable when one is an undergrad than dating during grad school one is a graduate student. The dating during grad school about changing your name doesn't typically come up while you're filing for your marriage license I'm still not sure how to do it, actuallyso you don't have to worry about it until later.
I have two options for potential advisors and in both cases, if I told them I wanted to take two weeks for dating during grad school wedding and honeymoon a year or so from now, my instructions would be to make sure I plan all my work around not being in for that time and make sure that my date doesn't overlap with any of our major conferences.
It sometimes is easier in a university town because everyone is associated with the university, so many mid-to-late somethings are grad students. I can relate in that I did all of my career planning while single, but now I'm not and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.
That seems like your option. The tension between these two dimensions can pose some significant threats to a thriving relationship. However, it's very possible to have an outdoor wedding in, say, a public park. I try to put my laptop down about an hour or two before bed, so we can just watch the news, or talk about our days.
The friends I have who are in the process of getting married in grad school have all waited until they've passed their comprehensive exams. The friends I have who are in the process of getting married dating during grad school grad school I've been dating married life is not particularly hard during grad school. First off, you need to recognize when the other is busy and respect that.
The same is true of your committed relationships. What grad school did was force us to re-examine our relationship, how committed we were to one another, and how much time we really had to spend on each other. Also, you can put off changing your name until you're done with dating during grad school.
The tension between these two dimensions can pose some dating during grad school threats to a thriving relationship. Set Boundaries Learn to recognize the appropriate times to set boundaries between your dating during grad school and your program of study.
My wife got a full-time job, so i made a pact. Curious on September 17, at 6: Taking an interest in their work life and letting them vent to you is also key.
Affection in the context of a rushed pace or a momentary endearment can often feel like a token rather than a genuine investment back into a relationship that is running low on emotional fuel.
Imsges: dating during grad school
Are your pictures clear and well lit?
Sign in Already have an account? Blah, but enough about me. There are professors my age, though.
Everybody is different, and only you can know how you would react in professional situations with somebody you dated and then broke up with. In this first year, I can't think of anyone whose situation has changed significantly though dating during grad school are probably one or two people who I'm just not as familiar with. As someone who was a student at a small school in a small town, I can confirm that those two circumstances make having a robust dating life difficult, especially dating during grad school you're not an undergrad. I think mixed speed dating london dating is extremely common and apparently not a problem in our program. What do you mean by zero luck on Tinder? Like to durkng anyone.
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