What I Decided To Do When He Told Me He Had Genital Herpes
I've given myself to very few men over the years, and one of these very few men who happens to be married, but we are in an open relationship together with his wife's consent, we are essentially "friends with benefits" ; well, he was someone that I've always believed cared for me. No posting personal pictures. Things can change a little when emotions become involved and it's someone you've started to connect with vs.
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Thanks for being honest. The thing I am struggling so deeply with is that I want to have a partner, a totally exclusive partner, not someone who is married and "allowed" to be with another woman. When they do, the pain of what's happened won't be so apparent and I can move on with my life. Thanks for the response. Can a female still get pregnant when having genital herpes?
Little did I know my worries would extend far beyond that concern. Less than a week later, I found myself in excruciating pain. It hurt to walk, and I couldn't use soap anywhere near my genital area. I knew enough about sexually transmitted diseases to know that I had herpes , but I didn't know exactly what to do.
As I sat in the college health center waiting to see a doctor, I watched my very short-lived social life drift by. I was thinking that I'd probably never go on another date, or get a boyfriend for that matter, and I'd certainly never have sex again.
The nurse who examined me revealed that she had herpes and said it was no big deal. She had been free of outbreaks for 12 years, and the same might be the case for me, she said. Genital herpes is a contagious viral infection that remains permanently in the nerve cells. Many people are unaware they have it, because they don't experience symptoms or because they attribute the symptoms to something else. During an outbreak, blisters or sores appear on or around the genital area.
Some people never experience a second outbreak. When I confronted my friend about the situation, I asked if he knew that he had herpes. Years later, I've come to the realization that he knew he had herpes, and that is the reason he stopped in the midst of our sexual adventure.
Our friendship, unfortunately, ended as quickly as the act. It was hard enough to face the fact that we'd had sex , or tried to, and it was much harder to cope with the fact that I had caught an incurable sexually transmitted disease.
In , when I got herpes, the nurse told me I couldn't transmit the virus unless I was having an outbreak. At the time, many doctors and other health care providers believed this to be the case, although a number of research studies had already suggested otherwise. So, I decided to keep quiet. For three years, I had a boyfriend who never knew I had herpes. Each time I had an outbreak, which for me consisted of a very small cluster of blisters that lasted two or three days, I'd pretend I had a yeast infection and say I couldn't have sex until it was gone.
By the time I finished college in , the possibility of spreading the virus even when you didn't have an outbreak had become more widely accepted by health care providers. I was still uncomfortable about bringing up the subject, but now I didn't have much of a choice.
In my age group it seems like every other person has herpes so it's no big deal. We were sexually active and not particularly safe about it pre-HIV, and during the first years of HIV when the affected populations were still limited. During that time herpes just spread like wildfire. I feel like it was miraculous that I never got it because I know I slept with people who had it. I think our behavior re safe sex and STIs only changed when we understood that HIV was actually in the so-called general population.
Regarding herpes, I think my generation was just glad that what they were infected with wasn't going to kill them. With HPV now clearly indicated in cervical, head and throat cancer, I don't think someone having herpes makes them any less desirable than the general herpes negative but HPV positive population. I've just had two martinis so I hope I'm making sense: I'd have to really know the person well and be rather certain about potential with this person in order to take that risk, and I wouldn't feel that way about someone 3 - 4 dates in.
OP, I should add this doesn't mean I would immediately stop seeing you, but I'd definitely want to wait longer before becoming intimate.
I know what you mean. Also, for what it's worth, remember we're people on the internet who are answering the question without knowing YOU specifically. Someone who has actually gone out with you and gotten to know you in person may not see it as as big a deal, especially since they already know whether they have a connection with you and may have already started to develop feelings for you.
Kind of like - and not saying this is a comparable example, but just what my tired brain can think of right now - when you date someone who you think wouldn't typically be your type or who, based solely on a photo, wouldn't be your type, but who you felt a connection with and ended up being really interested in.
Things can change a little when emotions become involved and it's someone you've started to connect with vs. It is so hard to gauge these things with an idea so abstract i. But a lot of responses have been well thought out, and it gives me an idea of how many people I run into in the wild may be informed. I'm not trying to say the opinions on here aren't valid I mean, I'm responding too: I know women who have had similar concerns as you and have found relationships with non-HSV positive people and are happy.
I don't think you are limited to partners who know themselves to have HSV, and I do think you are a really stand up guy for being up front and honest about it prior to being intimate with people. That alone says a lot about your character. Apparently other redditors have similar concerns.
I would appreciate his honesty but I would probably not be interested in continuing the relationship. If I really like the guy and we're a great match, I would discuss with him if he's going through treatment for it and any risks and options to keep me free of it. Herpes is hardly the worst thing in the world, but I'd prefer to not have it. It would not be a deal-breaker by any means BUT it may make me think a little harder about what we are doing and our future as a couple. Sex would wait a bit longer than normal.
If I wasn't really feeling like it was going to turn into something long-term, I wouldn't continue with it. If I was very interested, I'd have to ask more questions and do more research first. I don't know enough about it to make an immediate decision.
I always tell partners toward the end of the date, where I can make an exit if shit gets awkward. I also tell them I can provide them with more information on HSV if they would like and they usually do. I once had a guy tell me "You know that line 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas I already had it at the time. Not sure I'd approach a new partner that way.
It would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not going to risk getting an STD that can spread to the eyes and cause damage there. I'm already legally blind and only have one eye, which has a lot wrong with it already, so no matter how small the risk, it's a no-go. If it wasn't for that, for the right guy, I think I could be OK with it so long as proper precautions were taken.
I would be grateful that he told me before we had sex. I'd put sex on hold until I knew enough about the specific situation to ask the right questions. I wouldn't really know what I needed to know to stay safe right on the spot, if that makes sense.
I guess I'd have to research some things first. That's a smart way to approach it. I would encourage you to research it anyway simply for the huge amount of people that are infected and do not know, or will not tell you about.
Learn what the risks really are and how you can protect yourself as a condom is not sufficient protection against this condition. I know some basic things about it but not nearly enough. I've never been with anyone who has it and there are many things that I would want to ask.
I'm not really sure how I would react? It would depend on I would definately appreciate the fact that he told me before getting intimate If I honestly loved the guy, I would probably stay with him I would probably educate myself on disease I would ask 1.
Are you on medication and 2. When was your last breakout. I'd stop everything right there until he and I went to the doctor to confirm that I didn't get infected. To me, it would be too big of a risk to my health. He could be a great guy, but I'd have to call it quits.
Sorry but I would have to move on. I have a female friend who has genital herpes and when she has an outbreak she is in agony for almost 2 weeks at a time. Peeing is agony, sitting is agony, wearing pants is agony. I wouldn't be willing to put myself at risk for that.
That's terrible that it is so bad for her. The women that I have dated with it have had mostly mild discomfort after the initial outbreak.
The bright side for your friend is that eventually most people normal out to extreme infrequency to almost 0 outbreaks after a few years. And generally of a lesser degree of intensity. I'm out of there, sorry. My understanding before you said the dating pool is limited is that there are enough people out there with herpes already that the dating pool is not particularly limited.
But I want to avoid it if I can and it just is too likely to be passed on. I've dumped people because I found out they used to date someone with herpes, and I was worried they were carrying it but not having outbreaks. Well herpes has no great stigma in my country It's treated as something annoying but ultimately harmless, and getting herpes would merely be an inconvenience.
I've heard this a lot. Apparently it wasn't all that stigmatized in the US until HIV came around and started killing people off. From what I understand, everything sexual became taboo.
Which country just out of curiosity? Your question is interesting to me, it makes me wonder what my answer would be if a woman would reveal such a thing in the situation you're giving me. I have seen you talking about ''outbreaks'' what are these? Do you have pain in these days?
Do you have pain every day? How big is the chance of someone attracting it when you're having sex with a condom? Can a female still get pregnant when having genital herpes? If she gets pregnant, does this mean the child will get it too? If a female is able to get pregnant whilst having this disease if this is what you call it? Transmission is very likely to occur if you make contact with the affected area during an outbreak. And what makes this whole situation even worse is that he TOLD me he had it and I didn't take any precautions to protect myself.
I am so ashamed. I've even told my friends that "he didn't know he had it" because I can't even admit to myself that I didn't look out for myself the way I should have. The thing I am struggling so deeply with is that I want to have a partner, a totally exclusive partner, not someone who is married and "allowed" to be with another woman. It has never been my desire to be in a relationship like this.
I have many reasons for engaging in this kind of relationship a very long story but believe me, it's not my long term choice. I want an exclusive and totally loving relationship with a man who adores me and I him. But, now that I have this virus, and I am fully aware of the impact it has had on my body I've had painful symptoms non-stop for months!
How can I risk the health and wellbeing of someone that I love? How can I do to someone what someone else has done to me? This situation feels absolutely hopeless to me. All I wish is that there is something you can say, that can give me a glimmer of hope for the future. I can only imagine the pain both physical and emotional , the worry about your sex life being over, the anger at him and at you for allowing this to happen, and the stress of symptoms that just won't go away.
My heart goes out to you with every ounce of love, compassion and caring that I have. I know that makes little difference to the reality of your situation -- that it changes nothing -- but in some way, I hope you can feel the huge hug I am giving you right now.
That's roughly per cent of the U. And this statistic only includes the people who are aware that they have the virus. So, even if you and your partner wait to be tested before having sex -- if you haven't asked for the specific herpes blood test -- there is STILL the risk that one or both of you have the HSV1 or HSV2 virus and don't know it.
I want to make this one point very clear. Just because you have herpes does not mean you are "dirty" or "damaged goods. Statistically per cent of adults carry the HSV1 virus in the form of cold sores whereas per cent carry the HS2 virus on the genitals.
HSV1 has become the cause of about 30 per cent of new genital herpes infections -- usually spread via oral sex. It can be spread from one partner to another even when there are NO noticeable symptoms on the part of either partner. Since many people engage in oral sex without the use of condoms or dental dams, getting genital herpes from oral sex is increasingly common. And the not-so-"funny" thing is, it's more common to be thought of as "dirty" or "damaged goods" if you have HSV2, yet no one seems to mind if it's "just a cold sore.
HSV1 and HSV2 are essentially the same virus -- it's just a matter of where they present on the body.
Imsges: dating a man with genital herpes
Dating with herpes can be stressful.
Are you on medication and 2. My newfound herpes education led me to make a choice:
I guess I might revise wigh initial estimate; if I liked him that much, I don't know that I'd need to wait six dating a man with genital herpes. Since many people engage in oral sex without the use of condoms or dental dams, getting genital herpes from oral sex is increasingly common. Each time I had an outbreak, which for me consisted of a very small cluster of blisters that lasted two or three days, I'd pretend I had a yeast infection and say Wwith dating a man with genital herpes have sex until it was gone. I would encourage you to research it anyway simply for the huge amount of people that are infected and do not know, or will not tell you about. We discovered we had numerous mutual friends. He told me I could take as much time what are the benefits of relative dating I needed to feel comfortable having sex with him. Honestly, before I was diagnosed, I had done very little research and bought in dating personality questions the stigma.
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