Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks Match.com
Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I created a fake profile and though his was hidden, there are ways to search and find it regardless. He ended up actually messaging a true friend and I took over. I felt like he was forcing a reply and asked something about my new apartment. If the guy felt inclined to express his emotions, fix things, and start spending more time together… he would.
So how do I deal with him withdrawing like this?
This article is spot on. My bf and I started out wonderful always communicating making time for each other. Then he called and told that his company offered him to move to London next year and was confused if accept or not, and that was very busy to go to Hawaii, but probably he could come to visit me in California but was going to confirm me in two days. But idk it was vague. Syndrome … Newness- Grass is Greener Syndrome. We talk pretty easily — not perfectly at ease.
He said he is serious about me and called me wifey. He brought me to his parents but seem to be quite scared of letting his friends see me. My boyfriend is very self-centered, which he also admitted. Sometimes I feel like he only cares about himself, pays a lot of attention on himself rather than on me now. I even flew all the way just to get him to talk about this with me because I thought I had to talk about this with him.
Since our last huge fight regarding him talking to other girls he said he had deleted the dating apps. But he would still talk to a few girls he met on okcupid on whatsapp. I asked him why, he said because this girl called Dion had recently been to korea and he just wanted to ask information about traveling to korea. So that obviously was an excuse. Although my trust to him is kind of broken but I still want to trust him again. We talked about this issue almost every night and I told him I feel hurt that he still talks to girls from dating app.
Then I asked him if he wants to meet friends then why only talk to pretty slim girls but not guys? Why only pick pretty girls to talk to to be his new friend? Why does he stil want to meet other pretty girls? After another conflict again his mind changed a bit. I said nothing, because minimizing still means he still gets to talk to them. Although we are ok now but I just feel so helpless. My friends kept telling me to dump him. But what about me? Why are men like that?
Hello, I read ur full story. I think you are the opposite of me although we share sth in common, I am also an observant girl when I am dating online, which is what I am doing now. However, I would do the opposite if I found out the guy I am with is doing all these dating app things behind me.
You have made him feel like you will never leave, and he can always get you back as long as he stops it for a while. What I mean is, dress up and make up urself everyday, keep yourself in the best condition, and go out to meet friends and new guys, and let him see these changes! I donno if you have thought about this?
If you want to make him become obsess with you, you should just go back to the one you were before, the one who attracted this guy to fall in love with you. If the guy looks at your profile, you get a notification.
The advice in this article is terrible. His actions are speaking louder than words. He wants something better, or someone else. Since that moment I knew I had to break contact with him since we were not on the same page. I will have to trust his decision, and if I ever feel like my mistrust of him is too big to continue, I will let him know and I will break it off, just like I had intended the first time. This dating scene nowadays is tough , it is tempting not only to look around for other people because dating websites are just a click away, but snooping is easier as well, and very tempting.
I wish you all luck out there, be smart. Why did you let him talk you into staying with him? Your gut instinct was right. Life is too short to waste on second best relationships. I would rather be single. I my name is susan like to call sue. I need to start looking for a honest guy. Iam 49 year old. Have four grow up children. Was engaged to a man but he been cheating on me, please need to leave and start anew life, i lost myhusband in Now my life is tore up.
I wish I could find an article more recent in regards to this topic. I myself have been dating a guy for a little over a month. Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I created a fake profile and though his was hidden, there are ways to search and find it regardless. I realized he accessed his account and kept mum. I suppose my issue is that his profile IS hidden therefore does not show up in any searches, so why is he accessing his account? If HE emails someone, they then have access to his profile and it can go from there.
SO, why would he go and do something that would make me doubt him. Let alone make me feel like he is keeping me around until he finds something better. You know the answer already. If you were your own best friend, what advice would you give yourself. Your gut instinct is right. Value yourself and find someone who wants you and no one else.
I disagree with the advice in this article. The guy HAS given her a reason to distrust him. He offered exclusivity, yet actively participates in an online dating community. When a person last logged in is public information. How transparent is that. Totally agree with you Moops. Trust is very hard and someone should give you reasons to trust! I agree with you Moops. I had been dating this guy I met online for 4 months. I told him I was taking down my match account.
He said he would also. Not only did he not do that, he joined pof and meet me! I decided to still give him the benefit of the doubt. Yes he really said that! I said he was the one who was searching. Girls, stop the madness! I was honest with myself and realized I was only with him because I was lonely, and it is so hard to meet someone nice, but I was doing myself a disservice. Still trying to find the one….
This very thing happened to me. Wasted an entire year on this man. Gave him the benefit of the doubt in the name of trust and it was a bad decision.
Now I not only wasted a year but have spent six months trying to recover emotionally and am going back into the dating scene with less trust. If he is logging in…… he is looking or communicating and the bottom line is… you will never be able to trust him completely because this will always be in the back of your mind.
A truly excellent reply. This article seems to expose a type of man that is rotten to the core and is capable of using women without any conscience.
The whole interaction left me feeling sick to my stomach. I completely agree that if someone is still checking dating sites after committing to someone then they are leaving options open,stroking their ego,or seeing you as for now person Its disrespectful and breaks trust not builds it. I met someone in my home area on an online dating site.
We have gone out 3 times in two weeks, and have several dates already arranged for the coming week. We are both divorced and he has a child almost every weekend, so we typically do not see each other from Friday to Monday night. I took my profile off the site because I believe it leads to hurt feelings and in my little mind, why make him not trust me.
What I did was set up a bogus account and I can see he is on the site each day, even after we have gone out. He is on and off the site daily. There are times I have been on the phone with him or in the midst of sending a text back and forth when he is on the site. I really want to find out why men do this? If they meet someone and apparently things are going well, so what is up with men who need to see or chat with other women?
It was after telling him this that he asked me if I can go out with him on several days for the coming week. So what is up with men you meet online and how they still log in and show chat venue open. I have been going through a similar situation and would really appreciate the feedback on here. Im 24 yrs old and im very attractive and have never been in a real relationship and crave that part of my life with someone special. I have been on the online dating scene for 3 yrs and have been on sooooooo many dates and havent found anyone who I am remotely interested in until 3 and a half months ago.
When it comes to me and dating I think I have the worst luck and i cant even get past the 3rd date with someone so I am always walking on pins and needles each time. But here is my situation:. He first told me that he wasnt looking for anything super super serious and i said well lets take it slow and see where it leads to.
He was always treating me like i was his gf and i met one of his close friends and he took me and my sis and his friend out for dinner. I never had any guy treat me like that. This guy always mentions me to his neighbors and friends but we dont have a label on it. He also talks about personal stuff with him and his whole family and i really thought we were connecting. I also attempted to lose my virginity to him. I never told him i was a virgin the whole time and then it just came out and he was at first mad but then he understood where i was coming from and i kept asking him if he was ok with me not being experienced and he said he was.
But always in the back of my mind it has been bothering me that i am inexperienced because he has been around the block and would leave me for someone who is great in the bedroom. I am alsooo very very shy around him because i like him sooo much and i feel sooo out of place even when doing stuff in the bedroom. I just cant seem to snap out of being scared and shy when im with him. Recently i just went on match and saw he was active within 24 hrs and im like wtfff.
I feel sooo played but i dont wanna jump to conclusions and he hasnt contacted me in 2 days and im feeling like he wants to find someone who is way more experienced than i am. But the thing is we really connected and I dont think anyone can come close.
Its sooo strange cause we started hanging out together times a week recently and he just cant stop staring at me at every moment wen im with him.
Im sooo scared to lose this guy and dont know what to think right now. All my friends that I ask think he is playing me and i dont know if i should even listen to anyone because everyone can have their different reasons. Im really falling for this guy and I never ever pressure him on anything cause i know men dont like to be pressured so i kind of take each day as it comes. Yes, suspicion can destroy a relationship if it is unfounded.
But sometimes suspicion is justified. Hana, this guy is looking around while enjoying you and wonderful qualities. Match and eHarmony screen pretty well, and if a guy has an active profile on a site like one of those, it usually and I would say A girlfriend or boyfriend can usually tell it the profile is real in any number of ways — if the profile has exact details about height and weight, the writing style that was used, etc…..
This girl is just going to get hurt. She should leave the guy ASAP. The majority of these guys that get on these dating sites especially Match never get off. Many of them are not serious and they are addicted to Match and other dating sites.
I realized after 4 months of being on Match that this was not the venue to use to meet someone if you are interested in a serious long-term relationship.
At some point they are going to get back on. Women would be better off meeting a guy in a traditional setting through work, a friend, museum, whatever.
Syndrome … Newness- Grass is Greener Syndrome. An addiction to online dating, even if you have a significant other.. Sorry, but I disagree.
Before becoming intimate, demand exclusivity, which also means get off of all dating sites — and let him know that you will check periodically to make sure he does.
Sorry, but he HAS given this girl a reason to distrust him. This same thing happened to me — met a guy on eHarmony. Within a month we felt pretty serious about each other and I asked him if we could agree to be exclusive, including unsubscribing to any dating sites.
But 4 months later, I found out he was still on eHarmony but told me he was just on there for fun, changing some information but not conversing with anyone. Two months later he was on Match. Two years later I found out he was still filling out profiles. By then, I was a mess.
He had lied for two years and that is a very long time to be with someone. Please move on, for the good of your mind and heart. This article is spot on. It was never because of her, it was simply because the suspicion kept eating away at me until I brought it up. Rather than saying anything, I simply ignore it. Thank you so much I really needed to see and hear this, and the fact that it came from a man makes it so much more official for me to do exactly as you said and the article said.
When dating online it is imperative you remain open and honest. I met a handsome guy on pof. We BOTH made a conscious decision to delete our profiles and be exclusive. I kept feeling this uneasiness about him. That is a very unsettling way to feel. My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than a year and we met on meet me. He asked me out and we were together ever since. I deleted my account and I asked him to delete him, which he said he did. However, I was feeling something was going on that I did not know about and so I checked his email which i should not have done and I saw some messages that were from meet me.
However, it was not from his real account. He had created a fake one. It still has all of his pictures. I logged on to it because he gave me his passwords to things and I figured it was the same one. He only talks to girls on there; however, there is nothing like they are meeting up or hooking up at all.
He will say hey and talk for about five minutes and then the convo is done. I stopped checking his personal accounts and email after we got in a big fight about whether he was cheating on me or not. I never felt right about checking it anyway. I thought it was great because he must have stopped after our convo. However, i checked again today if he had been on, and it said he had three days ago. I am not one to stay in relationships where i am not the main focus, but over a year?
That is so many invest feelings. I have no idea what to do. I av friends who always text me i do reply but not with love, i want to ask wat will i do to love someone, and if you can give me the match.
Thanks so much, I really appreciated your comment. Eric, I feel like your post sends out a very sad message to women. You get butterflies and your heart pounds when you see me. You and I have only been dating a short time but the potential is there. We see each other times per week. You ask for exclusivity and I give this to you. A week later you log onto to Match.
So please enlighten me, what does that story look like? We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. This friend since added me on facebook and so has his housemate. He was also kissing me in front of them too. We were on his laptop and I was on youtube.
He went downstairs and I was just looking at songs. I managed to close the tab I was on by mistake and when I opened what I thought was the right one I found it was his dating website profile.
However I knew of the website and I was able to see his profile when I got home. He still checks his profile each day but not multiple times per day. Any advice welcome thanks! I understand what this girl is going through. Also, it can all backfire on you. I also suggest getting yourself tested. The fact of the matter is this kind of thing is a real life concern, not just for fear of being played but for your health and safety.
Since we agreed to be exclusive, how do you feel about this? Relax and be willing to accept the truth whatever it may be. If you leave the question open ended he has room to answer whichever way while knowing that you were simply considering what do with yours. If anything, it will clarify what this term means for each of you.. I am sorry to be negative here, but I dated a guy for three months that I met online…I noticed that his profile was still active and often he was checking it daily…I wanted to trust him so I did…I confronted him about it, but said that I trusted him and wanted him to take his profile down because he wanted to, not because I asked him to.
I found out he was dating multiple people yes, and sleeping with all of us , all from the online dating site. He was a world class liar. Looking back, I think if someone is active on an online dating site, while he is dating you, he is probably a player. Wow how did you find out he was sleeping with multiple people?? Ahhhh and he wants exclusivity! I have a few bad experiences in the beginning of The comment before was about a guy I met in the latter part of I met this other guy while on blackpeoplemeet.
Yet, there were many red flags! Meaning he would wait for my response to see what card he would pull out of his hat next….. After I invited him to my home and he seen how nice it was, the horns started to emerge from his head. Needless to say, I dropped him like a bad habit.
The dating game has changed tremendously over the years and many have ulterior motives and love not being one of them! Again, yes, sometimes people do get taken advantage of or hurt.
Then 4 days later I text him that I wanted to rekindle the relationship again, no reply. But I already said I want to start again.
He is coming back in 5 days time. I have been reading a lot about guys needing space. He texted me that he was having a hard time. I ask if I can help and he says no. But then I tell him I love him and he responds without telling me back.
But when we see each other in person, he will tell me he loves me. He used to say it all the time. Is it too much to ask that he give us some reassurance during this time? The hard part about now is we can see that they are online but not responding to us. Been coupled for 6 months, known each other for 7. Hi Ashley, I know the pain and struggle. My ex and I were dating for a year and a few months and all of what was described in the article happened to me. A few weeks later he told me how he made a mistake and wanted to pick up where we left off, and we did.
Throughout the duration of the relationship, he would still pull back and then go forward. The only thing you can do at this point is choose what is important to yourself. Only you will make the right choice. Why does a guy pull away? Guys are not into games the same way that we are.
One-sided relationships are a waste of time. Ok, I have a question. If i call and leave him a message — he calls back soon.
We talk pretty easily — not perfectly at ease. He has taken me to meet his sister and some of his family. He is also someone that totally avoids any type of confrontation — and avoids disagreements, even though just small things need to be discussed. I like things to be discussed, settled, and forgotten about. When he brings me home from a date, he walks me to the door even when I go to his house for movies, etc. I think he might be afraid….
He just moved back to our area last May — after being gone for 30 years. Should I ask him if he feels anything? Should I back out of this? I wanted to add that he has been nothing but a gentleman and tries really hard to always make me happy by doing really nice things for me. In need of solid advice guys. My schedule has allowed me to go to PA for months at a time, but still have my home in ID.
I do stay with him at his home. Like all new couples we had a lot to figure out about one another and have had our bumps in the road.
The first visit was the toughest and when I returned home we both put some thought into whether or not we thought it could work. He had his reservations but quickly decided that HE was ready for me to come back…he missed me and the energy I added to his life. I returned and planned to stay 6 months. Things were much easier, still some bumps, but noticeably easier. Four months into my stay, Jan 4th of , I caught him doing some hard flirting with woman on messenger.
I confronted him, feeling really betrayed for the first time ever. He has always been honest with me and I never felt like he was playing around, to my knowledge, because he could easily do that without dragging me clear to PA. I got caught up in the moment and exchanged pics with Xxxx. I feel we lack some chemistry because of a bad start which has been hard to recover from. Going solo til the end. Sending much appreciation and love from Sydney, Australia!!!
As a female i must say your words are encouraging and sincere!! So all you females reading pleassse take this advise as i have implemented in my own life with amazing outstanding results…Yes we are beautiful creatures that not need chase any man…let him come to you …love your life.. NEXT…men are awesome creatures just learn how to adapt to showing your love only when they do….
Men are hunters and in the yr nothing has changed and never will…. Men are the hunters. Women are the help mates. Enjoy life and fill yourself with good and positive things. If anyone is meant too have a mate it will happen! In my opinion all mans r bastard including my own husband to whom I gave him 23 years of my marriage life My pain full story is too much to write in few words. I guess I was in the freak out phase with my ex. His excuse was he was having troubles.
So I got worried and kept on contacting him. He never replied so I sent some long paragraph about if we were serious as he stated prior this never would happen and that I care and if he wanted to end things I would understand, I even apologised for being ott. So what shall I do?
I felt just as disgusted reading this article. Like what asshole is Eric talking about? Are we in high school? Who the hell has time for games? Just come out with it. Be real or go home. Hi there I need advice! One day he wants to work it out the next day he doesnt. I feel you either r all in or out. I have recently in the last 5 months been seeing a guy I have known for over two years. It started as friends just meeting for drinks and talking.
Recently he has kinda put me in the friendzone e yet he wants to always meet me touch me fool around with me and most recently tried to have sex with me.
I turned him down not cause I wanted to but because I have developed strong feelings for him. He makes me happy makes me feel whole and I want to be with him as much as I can. Help please cause I have way to many emotions and feelings tied into this wonderful man. Here priorities of both the ppl are different. You want to leave your old husband and start a new life whereas he wants just a partner with whom he can spend some fun time with.
You can just focus on spending some good time with him. But this will backfire when he will suddenly dissociate himself with you. Alternatively you can tell her that you are expecting a long time and meaningful relationship. But as I can see it, he is just looking for a fling. Only based on the info u have given here. This is a problem I have definitely experienced a few times and I like parts of what you said here.
Which, I think, would be a bad foundation for any relationship. Totally agree with you! Women accept this behavior, get married and then realize they married a guy who does not respect them and thought they would put up with this treatment. Okay so i am in a similar situation. I freaked him out and he told me to take things easy. He said we should be friends because we kind off rushed into it and then see if we can work it out. So after about what a day he texts me and we have a casual conversation as friends.
And then he tells me he misses me because hes sonused to talking to me. But i really like this guy and i do want us to be together. Hi Eric, So I started this fling with this guy at work and he was really into in the beginning. We would laugh and have a great time together, but I told one person who he claims told a lot of people who asked him about it and on top of that he found out that I went on a date with another guy a the same workplace, but it was just to hang out.
After that day he was just plain mean to me and even though we kind of moved past that and started seeing each other again. Is there no hope to fix this situation? When I read the beginning of this article where you said that the guy would say so many sweet things to get you hooked. I completely fell for it. He was even talking about marriage and kids in the first WEEK!! He even called me by my first name and his last name!!
When he came back to my town to see his family and see me, HE planned things every day with me. He wanted to see me every day all day. He even brought me to church with him and his family. We all spent the whole day together.
Toward the end of his visit back up here, He started acting distant. And then sometimes, he will be completely distant. And when he was home, he called me multiple times in a day and he brought me everywhere even if he was with the guys. AND when he went out to hang out with his friends, he FaceTimed me and let me talk to all of his friends and at times secluded himself from his friends just to talk to me and he just drowned me in compliments and pet names.
Please help me read his mind. Same question as above too…. Where is the fine line? Ive been dateing a man for several years. He is a great guy and does everything for me. Fixing my car, appliances and generally being there when I need him.
My grip is he does not make an effort to hug, kiss me or be romantic when he comes over. The only time he is romantic, is when we are in bed. Makes excuses that he is too tired or that he spent so much money on the stuff he bought me. My question is this: However, I was under the impression he had a girlfriend. Something kept on bugging me about it though and so I ended up going up to him one day and just asking him.
He got really bashful and just seemed very hesitant. We exchanged numbers and later that even he came over to talk for a bit. It was nice just sitting around chatting and we talked about how I have liked him for some time and how he had liked me too but never thought to ask me out. When he was getting ready to go we agreed to hang out again. After a few minutes of just standing around awkwardly he did it.
He leaned in and gave me a kiss. It ended up being one of those really long and just tender kisses that basically takes your breathe away and makes you lightheaded. Comments are so greatly appreciated! You are very right Eric. It just happened to me.
This was a long distance relationship, he already has visited me once. It was not official yet, just knowing each other. In this year he has acted both cold and hot, sometimes distant, but he sent messages almost every day via Whats App for almost a year, so I thought he was really into me, even though he meets a lot of other women because of his job trips and has confessed to that likes to flirt innocently, but that with me it was different he told me that at the beginning of the year. He went out of his way in September to visit me for a weekend, that was very sweet.
We talked about spending thanksgiving weekend together. I was going to visit him in Florida, but then he came with the idea to go to Hawaii. I became very excited about going to Hawaii, but then he was traveled for some weeks to Africa and it became very hard to reach him to make plans, and I was trying to ask him about the plans so I could buy my ticket and felt ignored by him many times.
Then he called and told that his company offered him to move to London next year and was confused if accept or not, and that was very busy to go to Hawaii, but probably he could come to visit me in California but was going to confirm me in two days. Two days that became two weeks.
I tried to not asking him again in order to not be needy, but was looking for Airfares everyday silly me , in case I could visit him in Florida as the original plan. Finally he arrived to Florida the sunday before thanksgiving and we could talk at the phone.
He began to say that was very busy and tired, that sorry, but he had to cancel the plans. I felt very bad, I was looking forward to spend the holiday with him. So during a call on Tuesday I finally told him how bad I felt about being ignored and finally stood up.
THEN he told me that he felt very pressured by me asking about the plans, that I was expecting to much of him, practically told me that I was not his girlfriend, blah blah, and that is way he was also acting distant. I accepted another invitation for thanksgiving, and now I stopped contacting him.
He has sent a message every day saying hello and hoping my day is fine. I am still very pissed off. Fast forward 7 months, I met a good guy locally at the beginning if the year. He treats me well and we see each other 3 times a week. I still remain friends with the other guy but keeping my distance. That guy was not fully mature and was not that into me. I am glad I decided to move on.
But I seriously need some advice. But recently his work has been quite hectic, he date half way and he has to do conference calls. On some occasions he even cancels last minute due to big projects at hand. Plus to make it worse just last week I asked the big question. I was so upset with the last comment. Then things started to change he went to work that day, and only called me once to explain to me what got upto on Sat night.
No text or phone call. I know my questions sound needy and he freaked out. But is there any way that things can go back to the way they were? And what should I do? Please, please help me. Because as you said in previous articles match his level commitment to yours. Continue to be open to dating other men. Then you can see his effort. If a man is dating you and bringing you into his world, he likes you on some level and is attracted on some level, so just always assume the best in that department.
And just focus on increasing that attraction. I met a guy online in early January of this year. After exchanging messages for a couple of weeks and a phone meeting, we met in person. It went really well. Whether it was to say hi, tell me about his day, wish me a happy day, set up our next date, or send me silly videos or articles he thought I might like, we were in contact daily. He always initiated contact and asked me out. He made a lot of effort to see me. He always came to my side of town too.
I only went to his side of town once. And I only asked him to do something a couple of times. We ended up seeing each other at least 2x a week since meeting. Each time we saw each other we had a great time he would always send a text later telling me how much he enjoyed our time together and was looking forward to the next time.
The last time I saw him Saturday before V-Day , we spent the entire day and part of the evening together. It was a fantastic Saturday. We exchanged a few texts on Sunday. That was the last time he initiated contact. I made plans to spend that evening with my girlfriends. The radio silence all week was puzzling to me though. I left it at that. Did he lose interest or is he withdrawing? To go from constant contact to nothing is confusing.
I am disappointed and I know there are plenty of other men out there but I really like him and I would also like to know if this is worth pursuing.
I am almost in the same situation.. I met this guy online abt months ago he lives across the country. At first i thought he would never come fly to see me but he did.. And thought that would be the last i would see him and made contact with him..
But aftr 3 months he asked me to fly to seattle where he lives so we could get to know more abt each other. We call each other from time to time and we skype too whenever were both off the next days.. Everything seems so perfect.. I even flew there again last new year to spend the holiday with him..
Hes a busy guy he goes to work and has school aftr work twice a day.. After work and on his days off he just do his hw. Hes going to school for video game design and they really have a lot of hw. When we started talking way before he already told me his not aftraid to be alone that kinda worries me but i didnt pay much attention abt it..
He had a relationship that lasted for 5 yrs but they broke up coz his ex wants to get married and he wasnt ready.. I always tell him how everything will be ok when hes stressed out abt work and school.. Hes schedule to fly here in 2 weeks. Last monday we were in usual routine.. Texting from the min he and i woke up and till night.. Again he told me he had a rough day at work and his boss is asking him to do overtime again.. He said he dont think its fair for him to keep seeing me when he dont think hes gonna fall for me..
But couple months ago he said hes falling for me thats why he get jealous with my guy friends.. I asked him if im stressing him or if i did anything wrong.. He said i did absolutely nothing wrong and he wish im not such a nice person so this wouldnt be hard..
He said he know it hurts and it hurts him a lot too.. His finals would be over in 2 weeks and thats when hes suppose to fly here.. What should i do? I havent text him or call him and same as him. Coz part of me is saying probably hes just too stressed with work and school.. Thats why he ended it? He also said he doesnt have time to have gf now and thats what we become basically.. But i dont ask him to do much for me.. When he tells me he gonna wait for me to get home so we could skype i always tell Him he doesnt have to that he could sleep coz he has school..
We text each other every min or hour but hes the one who started it. When we were out on date he told me that he has been through some very messy relationships, prepared to be alone for rest of his life, but lonely too and would like to be married again… so we have talked a lot, he has been very open about things. The thing is is that when we were talking, he told me that he thought a serious relationship should start out as friends, then dating, then live together then look at marriage… that he jumped into things too fast in the past with exes.
Blue, I am really having a hard time understanding what the real issue is here. What he hopes for his future and how he perceives the progression. Ths is actually very healthy. Even if his comments come to contradict his actions at times…this is very healthy for him. This is not your process. If he wants to be friends, and you want to be in his life, then just be friends no sex.
You have to check your motives here. I just personally think there is too much emphasis on him and not enough on what you want and think and feel. He just so happen to show you attention after you got out of a long-term relationship and so you jumped into this without thinking. Wiser, I appreciate your comments. I told him that I know he likes me and he says he does but that I keep going out with other guys… and I said but you said you wanted to be friends!!
I think he wanted me to wait around as a friend, continue to mess around with him and not date other guys while he figured out if he was interested enough to pursue something. However, if I had done things his way, might have worked out. I am so confused. I have been with this guy for 7 months.
Everything has been perfect. He always has been extremely good to me, and I could always tell he really cared about me. He has been traveling a lot with his work lately, and we see each other every week, or even less. I have been fine with that as I am a busy girl anyway.
About a month ago, my dog had gotten really sick. Over Thanksgiving he was going to egypt to spend time with his family he is from there , and we spent some nice quality time together before he left.
Over the holiday I had to put my dog down. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. My man was very comforting. I was with my family and they helped keep my mind off of it, and kept me busy. When I came home without her my dog , I saw all of her things and just felt such pain. Just a couple hours later I picked him up from the airport, and he was just his normal self kissing me telling me how much he missed me.
He brought me back presents, told me he brought back some bread to make me an egyptian breakfast, etc. He went off to unpack and take a shower and we ordered in and everything was normal. Then we made out and he wanted to have sex. I could suddenly tell he was disappointed. I let him have his space for two days because I knew he had his kids those days.
Finally yesterday I emailed him to let him know I was thinking of him and his family and hoped they were okay with everything going on in Egypt. He said thanks for the thoughts, that he was just sorting through some stuff. I texted him again apologizing if I had hurt his feelings the other night etc… and he said that no apology was necessary and that he has a lot on his plate with work, the kids, etc, and he needs time to reflect.
I was confused and said I apologize in advance, but i am confused. He said he apologized too but nothing happened, he just needed some space to deal with some critical issues. Are we still good? What could have gone wrong? I never told him this, but I love him, and I really felt like he was the one for me. Any advise is appreciated. That is hard for a man to digest. Its hard for anyone to digest. In this case you put the loss of your dog over the present.
You put the loss of your dog over the comfort he has provided you. It is very important to a man who cares about you that he is able to assist you through pain and hardship. How you show him his efforts are well received is by openly receiving him. Right now he probably sees you as selfish and unappreciative. What is there to do now is reflect. Stop apologizing and reflect.
During this hard time of yours he had to have said something to you in terms of his needs. Identify it and provide it. It could be something so small as him complaining about the fabric of his socks. Go out and find socks that are softer and more resilient and send them to him. Will it fix it? Certainly not over night but he is not going to receive your words right now. And if you never told him you loved him before…. Just be cool and realze you have been selfish. Want to reconcile start considering his needs and wants too regardless of what is going on in your life because he seemed to have handled your woes for you.
Wiser, Thank you for your response. I understand what you are saying. I do sound selfish. I did tell him on Thanksgiving that I am thankful for him in my life. I appreciate everything he does to make me smile, and everything he is.
I want him back, and I feel awful if it came off that I was selfish. He should know by now that I am anything but that. Should I try to talk with him? I know he is going on a trip to Belgium on Sun for work. On this last trip his luggage tag broke. He complained about that. He asked for space, and I dont want to cause further damage, so how do I go about contacting him without doing so.
I also know he is really worried about his country right now. How do I attempt to make things right? Do I send a note? Do I go to his house before he leaves to give it to him? My personal opinion is to be present without being present. Dont try and talk him into forgiving you. I fall victim to this too but they really get anxious or some other negative feeling when we panic and go into fix it mode.
So athough you think he should know your heart…he also feels you should know his needs. With that said…you can always buy him a snazzy tag…make it thoughtful and leave it at his doorstep if its accessible. You can also leave a funny note that is very short and personal that says i messed up but gotta love me. Now is not the time to be heavy…he needs you to be light. Dont ring the doorbell…dont call…just leave it where you know he will find it.
If Youre secure in the relationship i would even suggest not saying who its from. Leave it to him to take it in and make of it what he will. This is now about him and not about what you feel. I will admit i am a spoiled woman.
My guy does an amazing job to make me feel special and sometimes i miss the cue on how he needs it back. It does put a strain in the relationship but only for a short period. Expect to make mistakes and expect him to pull back. Its not fair but only the men who are comfortable with their femme side will verbalize the hurt. Others will just pull away to access the situation.
You need to let him do that and create positive energy in the meantime. I cant imagine this being the reason you break up. If you do then take time to consider perhaps you have been more selfish through the 7 months than you thought. Women we feel and we are so quick to vomit those feelings to the guy…why??? Because professing it also makes us feel good. But your guy needs you to act more and speak less….
I hope this helps. Me and my bf been dating for almost 3 years. Everything is great and we talk thru whatever problems we may face. Now when he stresses about work and all, it sucks him in. His mind controls him completely. I wanna be supportive in anything he goes through. I guess when he needed the space, he was okay.
Now last Sunday, we were fine when we met. He gets paid bi weekly. He got paid Friday. Then Sunday we were okay. If u do need help; and I have extra cash, il give u. Now Wednesday oct I kept thanking him for taking the day off on my bday because it meant a lot to me and he makes me happy.
He smiled and almost teared. Later we fell asleep and it felt good. I said wait what? And when he asked for the hoodies a month ago from my job, I said oh I seen some that I love.
He later snapped and said Dont buy me anything. And it made me feel bad. He never had a problem with me getting something I see and I buy it. After the thing he said about not having money for 2 weeks, he acted different. My gf and I wen out, he texted me saying happy bday; sorry I cudnt make it better. I said 3 years is amazing and my bday too. Later he says be safe and gnite.
And then I said u shud go home. And he got upset and said no Ill drop u all the way to the train. I said ur stress takes over ur mind then u may be fine again. U say u love me and then a break fr everything including ur fam.
And suddenly you say that. I was jus confused and thought he was being fake and I cudnt believe him. Cuz he said that.
It was so vague. Then I was upset and furious. I suggest we need to talk Friday after work just in case. Cuz of the hurricane sandy, i wished Him safe. Friday we all get paid too. I open so wanted to talk to him. Ppl say he loves u and misses u: But idk it was vague. The first time he did but this time less frequent texts and its vague. WAs thinking of texting him Thursday. That was pretty intense.
Im not sure i really understand your question. I also assume you and your boyfriend are no older than 25 yrs old. What did stand out was the planning around pay days that you mentioned a few times. I dont understand why that is significant to the problem. At any rate i will do my best here. I understand the lost feeling when your bf is going through something and you feel you are doing your best to reassure him. I have also learned that its not my job to fix his problems or boost him.
It can only give him the space he needs, the ear he needs, sometimes Damn the world with him, and at times remind him how competent he is. You cant boost his self worth. The men i know dont operate the way we do. The best thing you can do is just to is carry things on as business as usual. Say you understand when he gets down on himself. What is great is that he hasnt blamed you for his lack. He seems to want to do for you but the catch is to not compare your experiences with his or fix his problems for him.
I guess this would be your time to shine by suggesting activites for you two to do that he really enjoys and that he is great at and wont cost him a lot of money. If you love him putthe focus on fun and less on his despair.
He will repair himself best this way.. Do offer your advice if he asks for it. If you two are at a place where he wants some time apart then give it to him willingly. Love is not selfish and he will resent you if you hold on too tight. I strongly believe that if you two have something real you will find your way back to each other.
Right now you may have to do an unselfish act and just tell him you agree and focus on you as he regains his self esteem. He was being vague. I asked if we friends or am I still ur gf? He said it like that and I said huh. But hopefully we will meet and talk it out. Idk he keeps saying everything is his fault when it is not. He came back from Europe this June, called like normal, and was excited to see me. But then, when it was obvious I was excited to see him, he flaked out on plans.
When I finally saw him, we made out and he initiated it. Ladies, why do we leave so much to question? I get this article and agree with it almost percent but i think most of us are not reading the lines or between them. It is ok to question the guy youre seeing if youre not clear on things. It is undignified to beg and plead and nag.
Men make up their own ideas of what is needy and what isnt based on their history. You just need to be sure youre ok with your level of attachment.
If things are going too fast, slow it down or he will for you. It could mean HE is. We get so stary eyed and filled with fantasy that we push too much and never stop to enjoy the moment and yes to most guys this will set off their needy alarms. I have been guilty of it too. It is however your womanly duty and obligation to yourself to set boundaries and ask questions. Playing it cool doesnt mean you go mute. It simply means dont freak out and start fixing things.
It may noy be broken. This is very low pressure on him so if he cant answer right away it will definitely get him thinking. Youre not anyones play toy or interim or trial run so own what it is you want and that is clarification. At the point he tells you he thinks youre cool as a friend then you let him know your boundaries so you wont be in a state of question again. Not only that…he will have a better understanding of how to address you if his feelings change.
For this, I like the approach to keep the focus on what we want for ourselves without making it all about him. With that said, I disagree with the words choice suggested to find out where his interest level is. I agree that we should always take the stance of going for what we want without looking for the guy to decide first. The thing here is that she didnt give me the impression she wants more but the interaction they had confused her.
I will disagree that asking a guy how he see you translates to looking for approval. Just like coming right out and saying I want a boyfriend or a husband even though you didnt say it had to be him can throw him off to think it is him.
Its all in the way you communicate it. Since he is her friend it should be a relatively easy conversation. A conversation involves two people and i feel its better to ask questions than to 1. Make it a shut case. I guess Im diplomatic in that way and it has proven most beneficial for me also. I dont claim to be a relationship expert because well Im not. I do stand by the notion conversations need to be had. This is why questions are important its simply involving his point of view not seeking approval.
Good points, both of you ladies. Guys are likely to recoil when you A say things in a critical tone B get all analytical on them.
But the fact is that sometimes they do indeed need to be called out, or asked for clarification. My friend is always very affectionate with me in how we communicate, and I know he does like me for WHO I am, but then his actions are not nearly as attentive.
Again, making out in general? Not a huge deal. And he wants to be all chummy in conversation like normal, and it makes me feel bad. Well, I have decided not to contact him. It just feels like the right thing to do. If the guy felt inclined to express his emotions, fix things, and start spending more time together… he would.
Men go after what they want. Nobody likes rejection whatever form , my ego was desperate for an answer yesterday. But on to the next today!!! If he does end up contacting in the future I will respond to this post. Just so the rest of you can see how this saga turned out. I am so happy to have stumbled upon this site. It answered a lot of questions for me. I was very casually dating a guy for a couple months. Plus, I was guilty of being flaky myself. He was consistent with the text messaging, and as we got to know each other I realized he really was pursing me with all of his affection, and kind words.
Later, I started to notice that when we were in a group setting he would act kind of moody and ignore me. Well after our last time hanging out, he has been MIA: I was the last person to initiate contace, and that convo was very polite but very short.
I refuse to contact him again. What the heck went wrong? Was he ever calling or just texting? Was he only pursuing you with kind words and affection, what did his actions say? When he is really interested he will make sure he sees you when he says he wants to. Thanks for your insight! He never called, just text me practically all day…that eventually dropped to a single conversation in the evening. When we were together he was always a gentleman and attentive, except for in a party setting.
I should clarify he was a gentleman and attentive…except for when we were at a huge social gathering. I mean he was introducing me to his friends right away and seemed like he really wanted to get to know me. Things seem to have gone awry in such a short amount of time. Yeah I hear you. I read somewhere that men reveal themselves a lot with the way they behave when they are away e. Now I feel foolish for even posting this. Look it has been my experience that calling to find out is the best thing to do.
You cant say you dont care because youre on this forum. Its one thing to read and keep it moving but you inquired therefore you care.
It is ok to care just like it is very womanly to give him a call to find out what is going on with him. Not all men are the same. I have been dealing with mine for 4 years and he still perplexes me. He is a very strong and capable man but he is also very sensitive and his feelings are easily hurt. He is more protective of his heart than i could ever be of mine. My point is sometimes they respond the way they do because they do like you and the only way to know for sure is to ask direct questions or to take a leap yourself.
It sounds like you arent as sure of your own emotions to be thinking for him. I mean no disrespect here but men are people too and they have the same range of emotions as we do.
So if you were flakey and nonchalantly he could have taken that as rejection also. Again…i say jusy call and ask. The worst that can happen is he 1. In both cases you got a definite answer. I agree that men have a full range of emotions.
I did contact him last. It ended up being a super brief conversation about nothing really. What is not clear to me is the actual conversation you had. I dont think its necessary to tell us either but here is my take on things…. Just be sure you know what you are asking.
Does itake you look desperate? Not unless you are begging. Will he think youre an idiot? Does it really matter? If youre ok with the assumption he isnt into you and dont even care about a friend.
My point is though, we put so much responsibility on the guy to pursue and to chose and to be assertive but those things are required of us too. You asked where it went wrong so Im just covering your portion of the story. Id say it went wrong when you neglected to ask him what happened because you were concerned. Could he have spoken up…absolutely but you called him.
I personally wouldnt think any less of you if you called him to simply find out if you offended him in any way but only if you truly cared. If not then just let it go and the next person you encounter give yourself permission to ask the right questions.
The best thing to do when a guy stops calling or he disappears is nothing. There is no point in asking him why.
Imsges: dating a guy who was engaged
After a few minutes of just standing around awkwardly he did it. And suddenly you say that.
He is coming back in 5 days time. But recently his work has been quite hectic, he date half way and he has to do conference calls.
Share this Rating Title: Until he starts to completely backs off. However, he was struck with the death of his grandma very early on our dating time. I thought it was hilarious!!!! Yet, there were many red flags! James, Mariah and dating a guy who was engaged kids jet to Sydney to relax at his tinder dating in the Hunter Valley, before flying to Antigua with her children to enjoy the Caribbean tropics.
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