How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Permanently in 5 Stages (Game Plan with 17 Mini Objectives)
But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. When I said i needed to think about it first, she got angry and probably felt rejected. A knife in my heart. Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?
Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself
After the DDay,my H has changed. A slightly overweight, fifty something year oldwoman, looking kind of sad and lonely. And to be honest, the best way to bring this topic up is only when you've gotten her back, and she's in a positive frame of mind. Totally lost, I feel so badly for what you had to go through. I am stuck in anger!!!!! Since Dday I have been a wreck. As much as I hated the thought I simply had to allow the pain and anger to exist and run its course.
I took a philosophical approach, a pragmatic outlook. This was a blip in our marriage, nothing more. She says she loves me and not him. What more proof do I need? But the more I suppressed my anger, hurt, and disappointment, the greater those feelings became. As much as I hated the thought I simply had to allow the pain and anger to exist and run its course. It took a while to learn, but I found it was ok to do that, to be angry, to feel pain. I had a right.
I had been deeply wounded and it had to heal in its own time. In hindsight this is utter, total Bullshit! Since when is anybody responsible for the happiness of another person? If we make someone happy then great, but it should never be a responsibility. Alas, hindsight is such a gift. I tried to be more like him, or more of what I thought she was looking for, what she needed. I did exactly the opposite of what I should have done which is take pride in myself. If I were to show her anything it should have been what she was attracted to in the first place.
Part and parcel with Bargaining I took on the burden of her guilt as a way of being there for her, of being a perfect mate. Five months post DDay and one month post Last Contact my step-father passed away. He lived in another state so in going off to console my mom, my wife and I were granted a respite from the fear, anger, blame, needling innuendoes, and the constant questions and marathon talks that followed.
My wife wanted to remain married. Her goal was and has been from DDay to have a loving, emotionally connected and fulfilling marriage with me. But she lacked the tools to take those steps fully and my ego would not allow me to release the anger enough to even attempt to trust her.
Five months post DDay and the wounds were still fresh, still tender to the touch. This was the most destructive phase, but also the most cathartic. There are some wise folks out there who believe that the wounds we earn in life are what mold our character.
They mature us in ways we never could have matured otherwise. But wounds this deep can only be gotten in battle. And I battled hard. The good is that I regained my confidence. I put my foot down, stating that if she wanted to pine over her man then she should do it on her own time in her own space. This was no longer my problem. I began to look after myself and my interests. I started yoga, meditation, exercising, going out to meet new people, make new friends, and I delved into reading and found strength in renewal and the wisdom of those who had survived all sorts of traumas.
I looked deep within myself and sought the truth. For the most part I liked what I saw. The bad is that this was a struggle. Affairs are built on lies and secrecy. The constant guilt and torment must be unbearable.
The childishness must be humiliating in the light of day. Anger has been the longest phase of recovery for me because I fought it every step of the way and because it needed to exist until I learned that I could deal with it while sitting still, by merely letting it be without marrying action to it.
It has made all the difference. From DDay until one is ready to let it go, for me about 18 months — it could have been a lot shorter. There are varying degrees of depression.
The major depression for me started in the third month post DDay or March The realities of the affair hit my wife hard and she turned away completely. I have never felt so alone in my life, so worthless, so helpless. I started seeing a therapist; I took anti-depressants for the first time ever.
Nothing seemed to make the pain go away but time. Beyond that third month depression has stayed around for a good year and a half at varying levels. Knowing that, it might give some of you a bit more patience with your addicted, dumb-for-the-moment spouse.
I also realized, curiously, that I had developed a habit of my depression over time. And when I would search for justifications as to why I felt this way I found it and earned my melancholy. I had to break it. DDay until whenever, right? The worst of it though is during the earlier months. We will only accept that it happened. We grow wiser, our wounds heal, but the scar reminds us to be wary, to rely on ourselves first and foremost, and that at the end of the day we were never immune from such betrayal in the first place just as we never will be moving forward.
The only thing anyone can count on is that change will occur, which is a good thing because without change there is only death. I was at a school concert the other night and in the row in front of me was a woman busily texting on her IPhone. The bright light was blinding me so I leaned forward to ask her to put it away. But in leaning forward I realized I could read her conversation.
The woman was there with her two teenage sons sitting between her and her husband. This is none of your business. Every situation is unique. Still, I wanted to warn her about the process. I like my hard won independence. And it gets easier. Once again, thanks so much to Duane for sharing his perspectives based on his own affair recovery process.
If any of you would like to share your thoughts or experiences please do so in the comment section below. You can learn more about it here. Processing and moving through the stages of grief is a vital part of surviving and healing the trauma of infidelity. I too have developed a habit when it comes to my depression…hanging on to it, reminding myself of what was done and how I have the right to be sad.
I identify with what you are saying. I go from anger to depression constantly. Thought all was well as old as we are. So it can happen to anyone. I just hope I live long enough to get over this.
I guess sex is just more important in a mans life. Anyway, I am trying to be happy and am sometimes. But when you start thinking it really is crushing. My d-day is 3 yrs behind me in Aug. I now have good and bad days. Get a safe group, or a couple friends who understand. Your husband can want to be faithful, but if he is an addict… he needs help getting there. My husband never thought of himself as an addict, but he learned thru an EMB conference that he was.
He seems to have finally gotten free from his cheating way and desires , but I have the hang up now as to how he could do this to me, and for 30 yrs. My heart goes out to you. The time line is so close to mine. But I think Duane has made it further in the two years than I have. Agreed, Michael, my timeline is WAAAY more stretched out, a fact that I am not proud of, but have to keep trying not to beat myself up over. It has been six months since Ive known. I have never experienced anything like this in my entire life.
They both have said it was just sex, bit have also said they love me. How can just sex be worth this ripping me apart over and over every day?
I must have meant nothing. Every memory in that time hurts so much because it was a lie and makes me so angry and humiliated. My joy is gone. Why am I the one that this has to destroy? I feel myself sinking deeper into this dark place. I think its because it was THEM that it has trapped me. I got through and forgave him having a child with a woman and then hiding child support payments for years rather quickly. No one can fix it or cause it to make sense… for a good while.
You have to just live through the pain, fighting to be a better you rather than a bitter you. NEVER blame yourself nor get down on yourself for neg feeling or reactions. Do not trust his words ever… learn to read his actions.
He will not change without help… counseling, 12 step program, and serious life changes. Im not a counselor— just seen, heard, and been through so much. If you even choose to try to stay w him …insist he goes to EMB conference.
He may never change. Take care of yourself! Get into a support group and counseling to help your broken heart. I relate to these stages. The recovery time is quicker. Not marriage counseling, I am talking individual counseling. This will help focus on you. I know that as the truth continues to be unearthed its supposed to be healthy…but oh God it hurts. But knowing that it is God that will serve punishment…I will not do so. He to his Judaism just recently, me to my Catholic faith soon after Dday, I hope his is the lifesaver to him, as mine has been to me.
Perhaps he will comment. What you say is true about the importance of holding onto your faith — no matter what it is. I really was clueless during the whole thing. I was one of those who felt amazed at how perfect our relationship was and discovering she was having an affair was as devastating a feeling as I ever want to experience. I was pretty much out of commission for three or four months. I think I might have dealt with it better if it were only a PA. But her giving her heart to someone — even within an addictive state — is heart-wrenching.
It was how she reacted after the affair that really hit me. The withdrawal, the turning away from me, blaming me, that was worse. But it helped me be a stronger person. A friend of mine just found out his wife has been having an affair. It breaks my heart. Part of the impetus to write this piece was to show that we as individuals can and will recover, but also I wanted to point out that as much as we might value or have valued our marriages, it is not what defines us.
I had to let my wife stand on her own merits without any help from me and see if there was something new between us to sustain our future together. It has definitely helped. Is this common after an EA? Withdrawal from the addiction of the affair. Your husband created a habit for himself with the OW.
Depending on how honest he wants to be with himself, this withdrawal could take some time. She turned on me in a big way this was that dreaded Third month.
This happened to me too. I find I could deal with the affair although it was painful. It was the withdrawal, lack of empathy, mind games, emotionally cruelty and sarcastic comments that cut deep. I could not understand it. Really all the post has allowed me to deal with this behaviour much better. Otherwise I would be still living in an emotional and confusing fog.
Thank you so much. We have been married for 18 years and she came forward after she got pregnant with his baby after 6 months of the PA. I have been kind, forgiving, and graceful, but that has not done a bit of good, though it may pay off later if she gets her head and heart right.
She treats me the same just as you described…withdrawn, lack of empathy, emotionally cruel and treating me as if she is the betrayed spouse. Just got past the 3rd month of agony and fighting depression, but just kept running to Jesus every time I felt it well up inside of me.
I also would call counselors to get affirmation and support. I am feeling much better in this 4th month though I am now dealing with anger more. It is sick and perverted. What I hate the most is how she acts like he is some kind of hero…HA…he is a scoundrel and categorized as one of the worst kind of men one could be grouped with. I have cut off communication with her except in relation to the kids. I am finding myself and becoming intra-dependant and I will be the winner in all of this.
Though she is getting counseling and I think she is considering reconciliation for the kids sake. But that is not enough for me at this point. As one person said, I will only consider reconciliation when I see remorse, deep repentance, and empathy for the damage she has caused the kids and to me and to Christ. She has to accept me as the father of the baby and I will happily raise the baby as my own child. The OM gets the minimal legal access to the child if any and she will never be part of the interchange for visitation etc.
I really feel deep sympathy for you and your children! U had two big hits your best friend? And a child was conceived during this horrible event! Thank you Duane…for sharing even more.
When you mentioned letting things go, such as anniversaries, does that mean you no longer acknowledge them I. After discovering they had 11 months of inappropriate contact up until June of this year, no date is unsoiled. I am 14 months past DDay 1.
Not remembering dates is a curse now. How did you let go all that you did…pls help me with this, any advice even a starting point would be so helpful. My H has not given me any special attention since that anniversary date in October which was 4 days prior to DDay 1. You seem to be where I need to be and I am nowhere near where you are.
Stuck in a bad place…and here come the emotional holidays…again. We will renew our vows when I feel I have forgiven him completely…. Duane…I have to say that is one of the best posts I have ever read. It is absolutely true…all of it. I have to learn to let it all go…its no longer healthy for either one of us. Affairs are awful blood sucking parasites.
I think for the most part I am stronger and he actually looks like he has aged…alot. I like your analogy…dumb for a moment spouse. I am 1 year out of D day. I have gone through it all and still going through it!
I can relate to all stages. I am back to the Anger: He is not hiding the emails and has been showing me, I have his email set up on phone so I can read his any times of the day. All part of trying to gain the trust back.
Now I find myself wondering is it even worth it! Seems now we are fighting more now then ever. My H has stopped talking to all people that know her, yet she keeps getting the email address. Its getting to the point of I want to confront her at her job. He told me yesterday that he would do that with me tow.
I feel like he protecting her and what they had once again. I feel my feelings mean nothing to him. They are both to blame for what happened, but he at least stopped all contact. At this point, if he does see her and wants her back GO, I am not going to sit hone anymore.
My question to everyone, he has emailed her a few months ago, and now in an email she wrote I know its your wife writing it. Do we confront her???? My advice would be to ignore her completely.
Your husband seems to be showing signs that he wants to be in your marriage. S I understand completely! It was only Urggg. Even the 10 min drive to go see his dad. Even on our Vac, we stayed local at a Hotel, he left so he could go see her for 5 mins. This was the day I found out. I needed some me time. To talk about how I felt. I wanted him to go at first and he did to a couple and lied his way through it lol.
I look back at me then and feel sorry for how much pain I was in. Now I am angry…stay angry. I went to counseling for me because at the end of the day if our relationship ends I still have to know how to heal.
I have to learn how to deal. So counseling for yourself is a great idea. There is absolutely nothing good that will come from confrontation. If you do engage with her at all, you and your H are keeping the ping pong match going!
I see this as focusing on the wrong thing, person etc. Your H should have kept his attention at home and HE is responsible for turning to someone else….. As to how she keeps getting your email address, there are a million ways to search email addresses on the internet. These are not as hidden as one might think. You can change it again, but she will most likely find it. My H just emailed her back to tell her what he thinks, The first email from him to her.
She is now becoming a crazed person. I am not sure if they will let it through but here is her letter to him today.. BTW he never made plans with her for anything lol. She is reaching far. Do you remember last year, how you made plans to wake up in my arms Christmas morning? How you send to me, I was the only gifted you needed. Think to nov when you held me and said you love more then anything in the world. Do you know every time I see a car like yours my heart stops, I drive up to see if its you or her.
When I see someone with green eyes I think of you and if you thinking of me. Do you remember when I said you have green eyes, you said no they brown, I said no they are green. You said well the she always say brown. Steve can we pleae meet? Christmas night maybe at your dads? Is there no way to block her? I know you can set up numerous email accounts so that may not work. If she continues and you are in the U. They prosecute for this.
Maybe you should tell her that it is a federal crime punishable by jail time. He made it very clear that we would prosecute. Not a peep out of her now. I have experience both as the OW and the hurt spouse and it has caused me and many others irreparable damage. This woman obviously has never experienced this type of infidelity herself, or she would understand the awful pain she is causing you and your husband.
It will drive her nuts. Certainly do not respond anymore. Your marriage is none of her business. I hope you can find the strength and grace to rebuild your marriage.
After 3 years of this business I am still trying, one day at a time. I am a little over 2 months after d-day, the holidays are here and it is even more painful, just thinking about all the things we could be doing for the holidays to be together as a family and spend this time with friends as well. Who would tell us we would be like this for the holidays.
Sometimes I feel like its just a bad dream, but reality hits and it hits hard. He tells me living with me was a living hell for 12 years up until 2 weeks before d-day he was always loving, caring , even talking about having a second child, not a behavior of a husband who is in a living hell.
He thinks his problems,sentimental, emotional,finanancial, cheap excuses problems are going to go away by having an affair, he is so wrong! Hes just added even more and aggravated problems for himself.
He is still in the fog, and has not seen one bit of the tremendous damage, he has caused our family including himself. Now he blames me for the affair, I am hurting so bad, I wish time would fly yeah right because I know time is a healer, but for now I have to go through the emotional process, I have a lot of anger inside me and I hate feeling this way , but thats part of the process. You are not at all to blame for his affair. Have you read Eckhart Tolle?
He writes a lot about acceptance, surrender, resistance and taking responsibility for your life. Many of your posts seem to come from a different perspective than most others. Have you always been so inclined or is this something you have discovered since the affair? I love your moniker, Bluesky. People make dumb mistakes. Whatever they did is done. One can either dwell in that or move forward. I sort of feel lucky, too. My wife could have turned to alcohol or drugs, she could have spiraled into depression, she could have been suicidal.
My W confessed and left me a week from her birthday, 2 weeks from our 18th anniversary, and I was in month 2 and 3 during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every spouse is responsible to seek resolution to problems, not stepping out. It is a cop out, selfish, and deflecting and you will have a better chance of getting through this and reconciling with your H by being forgiving, but not accept blame for his lustful and selfish decision. This will keep you from being manipulated and probably victimized again.
Not to be too horribly unsentimental but an anniversary is really just another day on the calendar. It has made a difference for both of us. I used to keep track of the significant dates of their affair. My wife hardly remembers anything she wrote in those emails. She adamantly refuses to believe she ever mentioned love in relation to him.
Unfortunately we attach ourselves to dates or memories I think as a mode of control. My sister died when I was The truth is we make new memories every second of every day. Duane, this is such a great post, and it comes at a good time for me. I, too, have read the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and found many similarities. I have struggled with depression, panic attacks, loss of sleep and general emotional upheaval. Reading your post gives me a renewed sense of hope and is a reminder that all these feelings are a normal part of the process.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for being so eloquent in your description of the healing process. Best of luck to you. Can you elaborate on that point? Is this a fear of being hurt again? How did you ultimately set your ego aside? Again, can you tell me more about that?
Eternal kudos to Linda and Doug for sticking around. Like so many of us, I wanted things to be the way they used to be and I wanted that to happen right now. But there is simply a process we all must pass through in order to heal. There are no short-cuts in affair recovery and the more we try to find them the longer the process of recovery is going to take. They have to grieve, we have to vent — preferably to a therapist who can offer constructive outlets.
It simply has to happen organically. There will be pain and suffering and discomfort, but this is a serious wound, much more so than a heart-attack or loss of limb. This strikes at the very soul. We can only endure it. Likewise with the first question. Early on when I was angry or frightened or paranoid I would lash out or demand we talk or storm out of the house. I sat on the issue for a while to see if it really bothered me or if perhaps I was just having a bad day.
Talking about the affair less and less I found we had more room to communicate about our future, not our past. I have a lot more now than I ever did. I had to build a bridge and get over it! Or am I expecting to much? Am I wanting to much from him? If I ignore the EA, and act like it never happened, put a smile on my face…he is happy! This is like reading a novel, and i like to skip to the end to see if it has a happy ending. Im in the year June. How does your story end?
Are you happy together now? Did he stay faithful? Did your heart heal? What helped you most? This is a wonderful summary of things! My H and I have been together over 32 years. We almost divorced about 25 years ago because he was an alcoholic 4th generation alcoholic by the way! He stopped for 13 years. He began drinking socially but it has escalated to at least 3 drinks every day again.
I warned him that I would not tolerate being verbally abused again, and since the EA I have taken responsibility for voicing my issues and concerns regarding the marriage used to keep quiet to avoid fights. His EA was with an old girlfriend. I use to worry alot about that too…ifr my husband really could change or how soon he would return to his old behavior. It still rears its ugly head on occasion and I see what he use to be. The bottom line is you cant control what he does.
You will never know if he will want to do it again and the attitude of no one tells me what to do has to go. When we are in a relationship there is no room for that selfish behavior. They have to want to put your feelings and your relationship first. Alcohol only adds to the fire. My H also gets very flirty when he drinks…. Duane, thanks for your reply. This makes a lot of sense. The marathon talks, the vitriol, the snide remarks I make about the OW, the storming and venting—it takes a toll and feels like a setback.
Sometimes I find that we just need to change gears. Sit down and watch one of our favorite shows together, work on a puzzle with our daughter, ANYTHING to get away from the heavy conversations about the affair. At this point, between marriage counseling and our individual counseling, we have explored the affair and why it happened.
I really like what you said about the inner child. But there are no shortcuts. I can already see that I will emerge from this process with a different set of emotional tools, as will H. In those moments, I can see how the marriage could actually be stronger because we have both used the opportunity to grow and learn both individually and as a couple.
Thanks again for a great post. I know I will return to this many times as a reminder that this is all part of the journey. I can tell you that I really was hoping my wife and I had turned a corner after one year only to find that she still felt she had work to do before really committing to us. As recently as August 20 months post DDay my frustration was so overwhelming that I thought for sure we had reached the end.
But we kept talking, kept being honest. The sad truth is that we, the betrayed, are the ones who have to force the issue, to fight for the marriage, to make the sacrifices and swallow our pride. If our spouses were strong enough to do that they might not have strayed in the first place.
Either you join me in this fight or you move on. I tried ultimatums with my wife, pleading with her, reasoning, but in the end I feel it was when I kind of gave up that she began coming around. They will do what they will do and the only control we have is in how we choose our response to that. I will tell you that 3 months is a short time for both of you to expect serious changes in behavior. Patience is key here and he hopefully will come around.
Everyone will tell you that this is the time to work on you. I will add that I hope you never again stand for abuse of any kind. This is a really great post, D.
I really like the insights shared and the advice given in the comments. It is great to hear from some farther out, as it gives me a lot of hope that we can be in a better place. Thanks for all the comments, and Anne, I really liked all your questions, because those are things I am dealing with as well. I just had a marathon discussion…which started off horribly, but ended good. I am hopeful which was better than the past few days of despair, grief, and anger. D- thanks so much for your response, this group is so wonderful and gives me comfort that I am not alone, or hiding in the shadows, trying to blend in and act like everything is fine!!
I wanted you to know that something in your response really got to me….. I suddenly have developed total apathy! I am basically walking around like a puppet, void of any emotion, good or bad. We are working on rebuilding and have made a committment to each other to try, but all we have is very basic, general conversation and performing necessary tasks together.
Has anyone else gone through this, what does it mean? I feel guilty, because I do think I want it to work and maybe this behavior is damaging to the rebuilding process. What if your husband is not willing to talk about the affair? What if he is stonewalling, and then gets angry and defensive if you try to break through?
How do you deal with the ongoing lies — about just about everything. I have been assured its over but she is studying and its the 3 month summer break now, so I guess its only over because she is has physically gone away. I get different answers — or no answers- every time I ask the same questions? He is constantly lying and then lies again to cover himself. I have found stashes of cash — hidden from me- stashes of porn, stashes of packets of viagra — we never ever needed to use that!
He lies about the frequency of seeing her,even the length of the affair. How do you turn off the mind movies in your head and how do you hold it together for kids, family and friends over Christmas. I feel like a wild animal in a tiny cage. I just want him to be honest, talk to me, soothe my anxiety and help me make sense of it and help me feel safer and better. I so want to trust him but he says I am doing the opposite and always trying to catch him out.
I tried stepping back, putting on a normal face and being loving. I reach out to him, I initiate all our emotional and physical connections but he takes sleeping pills to ensure he can avoid me. I just want him to put his arms around me and say its going to be ok. I want him to understand the stages of healing and to be patient and kind to me but instead I feel like I am doing the penance for his crime.
The nights are the worse because I cant sleep, I just obsess about every details and read non stop about healing from affairs. I dont know but I think apathy which I feel even now after 16 months is a form of protecting ourselves from further pain.
It is completely normal…go easy on yourself. It truely is a marathon and you either end up saying enough or you move on with it. I am convinced however that this underlying pain is here to stay forever. Its always just below the surface and I am questioning if I want more then this for myself. I wonder how these phases play into my situation. However, I discovered that the affair had continued.
Almost monthly I would discover the affair had continued foll. I think I hit all these everday for the last two weeks. I know it will get better and it has, it is just a matter of time and her earning my trust back!
She knows this is going to be an uphill battle but I am grateful that she recognizes this, we both do. First I want to start by saying thank you, you guys have been such a great blessing and help for me. I read this article because it was about grief, which I feel like I am going through right now, a mere 8 days beyond D-Day.
However unlike the grief I went through when my mom died, this is one I cannot share with my friends and coworkers. I can not take a week off work, or even a day to deal with it. And of course, the person who otherwise would be my comfort during a time of mourning is the one who caused it. It is killing me. Luckily I was able to start therapy this week- for me- to help me learn how to cope and what I want to do next.
Oh Cal, I remember how truly hard the first days are after discovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thanks so much for writing this. I really needed the validation. Had a tiny hint of suspicion in the past, but always thought it was due to my truly suspicious nature after my first marriage of 20 disastrous yrs.
I had to have photos to prove it to myself with the 1st husb. That would actually make it easier this time. Cheaters lie so well. But I know… I know. I just found out about a series of affairs my wife of 23 years has been having over the past 12 months. She has admitted to me that she has slept with 5 different men. It has shaken me so hard that I have fallen down and then the tsunami swept me away, but I am somehow still alive amidst the devastation of what once was a storybook marriage.
And you are sure she has taken every precaution? Or, are you willing to risk your health? So sorry for your terrible revelation. If you somehow find the ability to forgive your W and eventually find yourself in a healty and happy marriage, by all means document the process and offer for a modest fee to share it with others.
You may find yourself wealthier than you ever imagined. She has taken no precaution. I was stil making love to her during her affairs, not knowing she was seeing other men.
What else can go wrong. To top it all off, last Monday I got laid off from my job after almost 3 years. This has been some hell on earth for me. I have been rocked to my core. It would be a blessing right about now, but I know I cannot give up. Those were just thoughts. Reality is I have a Son and a family to live for should it all fall apart any further. If there is any solice within this, that has to be it.
I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my chest sometimes. I got ativan from my Dr. I will not get hooked. He only gave me like 20 tabs.
I am exercising and looking for work again. Just keep me in your prayers because although I was doing great spiritually prior to this, I am now kind of waivering in my spiritual walk. I do understand that wanting to die thing.
Been in your shoes. The exercise is a good step. Thank you for caring. Broken hearted…I am so sorry you find yourself in the club of betrayed spouses. We all know how much you are hurting but you do have alot to live for. Number one is your son who never asked to be mixed up in all of this selfishness caused by your wife.
Hating God is a normal response sometimes when we question why a loving God would let us hurt so much. I am sure he understands. I am so sorry about your job as well…just seems like alot all at once. The good news is that if you want to save your marriage it seems your wife has woke up from her cheating. Just take one day at a time right now and I am glad to hear you are taking care of your health…thats a hard thing to do when we just want to give up. I know money is probably tight right now but you can read alot on the internet and this forum that will help you in your journey ahead to healing.
You and your wife have alot of work to do. As much as I have no respect for cheaters that would include my husband I have to say it took guts for your wife to expose her cheating to the family. Remember it wasnt your fault…you did the right thing and remained faithful and true to your marriage vows. You have to talk and talk some more.
You wife has to answer every question you want answered for as long and as many times as you need it. She must be totally transparent…passwords to all social network sites, emails cell phones. Dont give up on yourself…. I know you cant see it now but many here have been where you are and have come out on the other side with a stronger marriage. Wow… You are an amazing person. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. May God bless you in a thousand ways.
Dear brokenhearted, I truly understand your anguish. I am 2 months post DDay. I have entered the different levels of anguish and despair. I to have questioned the Almighty many times. My Faith has helped me become more stronger and confident within myself.
There are people in this life that understand my pain. Hopefully we will recover from this grief and lead more productive and enjoyable life. Atleast we can move on within ourselves. We have that freedom. Those who made the dreaded choice to betray their covenant partners will be forever carrying a heavy chain around their hearts. We should not only pray for our recovery but also for the recovery of our mates.
I am married to my spouse for 25 years. Anyway, like Dwayne said previously, we have to start a new day, a fresh start. I know its hard to forget the 25 years of devotion and dedication you poured into papa but its time to forget all that and begin fresh. What can i loose anyway at this point?
I must create a new one. We are married for 22 years Yes! It definitely ruined my self-worth and self-confidence. We tried marriage counselings and are struggling to keep it secret from our 2 precious sons and our parents because we want to work it out ourselves. But what can I do? It will be greatly appreciated. Dear Rose, how are you doing now… a few more months down the road?
I think … since it is pretty much universal… it is normal for us to be experiencing these emotions. Some i know take 10 years to find a new normal. I dont like that idea… i already wasted But like it or not , healing comes slowly. We cant ignore it and hope it will go away. Heck yeah we need to talk about it all the time— it was life shattering trauma. It destroyed everything we believed in, hope in, lived for except our faith- and even that was shaken.
Some betrayed spouses actually have ptsd. D-Day has been 1year and 2 months already and although I am stronger than I was a few months ago, I still cry a lot.
I wonder sometime, why did my H do this act of violence against me and the children…and I get no reply…I have only been loyal, faithful, dedicated and a devoted wife and mother to him and the children…. He wants to stay with me. I am so devestated, the first week was like pure hell, I feel like he threw me and our family away. We agreed we dont want anyone to find out and to protect our children from this so I have no one to talk to. He tells me its over and that he loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work out.
He seems exasperated that I need to discuss the afair all the time and that I want to know why it happened. I think he can get OVER being exasperated! He should be able to deal with anything want to ask right now. Pretty lame, if you ask me. And you are grown-ups. He will have to be a man and own up to his transgressions.
You have every right to feel devalued. Sad but true, I would tell him to belly up to the bar and Man Up! If you were trying to win her back and you think offering to pay might continue to further impress her, you could always consider that.
However, if it's genuinely more towards building just a friendship up for now first, split the bill. I stuffed up after 2 weeks Nc.. Knowing my ex she is always after my to react.. I have been blocked on social media she has been deactivating and reactivating her Fb First a little background. I have always been a little clingy in my relationships and she had the same issue so we became codependent.
Fast forward to two weeks ago when she says she wants to slow down and just date we had been talking about the future, marriage and kids a lot. I tried to stop all of the future talk but it was hard to go from talking about it all the time to never mentioning it. Well she broke up with me because I was clingy and got worse when I felt her pull away. When we broke up admittedly I was crushed and did the begging and negotiating thing that just made me look worse.
Since I had been almost living with her half a week or more I got all of my stuff and she came the next day to get hers from my place. By the time I got home she had deleted and blocked me across all social media. She did not want to see me so she asked if I could leave her stuff outside. When I knew she had left I went outside and she had left a box of all the gifts I had given her from jewelry including at Tiffany necklace that she adored to stuffed animals. My questions are why would she give back all of the stuff that was gifts and how can I show her I have changed during the NC period since she had blocked me everywhere?
NC period would not act as a continuation of the relationship in your case but rather a fresh start, as if you were dating someone for the first time. It seems that she wants to cut off all contact with you and make a clean break up right now, due to whatever that has happened. The best thing you can do is to let the breakup happen and slowly learn to accept it. By begging or asking for her back, you'll only push her further away and ruin your chances.
Give her some time, and work on your issues in the meantime. At the end of NC, if she still does not want to respond to you or responds negatively, you might have to be fair to yourself and consider walking away from this. Is there a way I can ask her casually without seeming like i am just still my old self?
I am currently on rebuilding attraction, we have gone on a couple of dates, and already even have plans for two more. It depends on how your ex is as a person. You could always casually mention it in passing as a joke or teasing her, but in all honesty, if she's only just dating someone casually, you'd stand a better chance given your connection with her, and by bringing the topic up, you risk her getting upset with you.
Are there any signs to know if my ex is playing hard to get? I know my ex well and I know she is prideful. They can work in similar reasons as signs they love you or want you back mean they have feelings but have made it not very obvious for you to tell for certain.
And probably so, that she would not allow you to touch her if she had 0 feelings for you or felt uncomfortable with it, but the fact that she didn't reject it meant she probably still feels something towards you.
Continue to take things a step at a time, and see how it plays out. Ok so here is my situation. Me and my ex were together for a while and we both agreed that that time was the best time of our lives. Then one day she just said that she wasn't ready for a real relationship and said that she still had feelings for me, but she didn't think that we should be in any sort of serious relationship at the moment.
I was very confused by this, but I didn't ask for any clarification because I took this as her asking for a bit of space. Instead, I went to a friend of mine who is also my ex's closest friend and asked what I should do and she also told me to give her space.
I did this for about weeks where we had minimal contact and I gave her space. She texted me a few times during this time, but I still didn't talk to her very much. She didn't want to talk about anything serious and I respected that until the end.
That's when I just told her that I couldn't go on not knowing how she felt about me and I asked her to be more open when she talked to me all of this was done as gently as possible. I told her that I wanted the relationship to work, but I couldn't go along not knowing how she felt anymore.
After I said this she told me that she had lost feelings for me and that we should just be friends. I said "I have nothing against being your friend and I hope that we can continue to be friends and one day work towards something more, but I don't think we can do that at the moment.
I acted visibly mopey for the first week, but I'm much better now. I talked to my friends and they helped me feel better and then I decided that I wanted to get beck together with her.
I spent 4 weeks making a plan, but then one of her friends told me to stop and that my ex just wasn't interested anymore. After that I decided to restart my plan, but be a bit more subtle about it. Before I began trying again, I apologized to my ex for planning behind her back and that I did want to still be connected to her and us being friends is fine for now.
Now I'm 5 days into no contact and I don't know what to do next. I already know that this is going to take a long time, and I'm willing to take the time because she is worth it, but she seems to have moved on in less than a month and she doesn't seem to care about me anymore, and I'm a bit discouraged by that. What can I do next? Just because someone has lost feelings for you, doesn't mean those feelings can't be regained. The fact that she fell for you in the first place meant that there was something about you that attracted her.
Understand what that is, and when NC is over, include that in attraction factor with your plan and win her back as if it were your first time chasing her. I dated my girlfriend for almost seven years We'v had a few but major problems in the relationship n I ended it for 8 months.
Then the girlfriend tried numerous times for us to back together, but jst ignored her attempts. And she says we can still communicate cos she still loves me but we can't be to together anymo and that she has developed the luv for other guy I would know what should or can I do to get her back to be my girlfriend. There isn't much you can do at this point because she's in her rebound relationship, and it's best to let it self-destruct on its own as opposed to you interfering and causing feelings of hostility towards you.
Bear in mind that you were the one who broke up with her and rejected her attempts to reconcile, resulting in her rebound relationship, so it's something you would probably have to live with. If you're convinced it's a rebound, it'll be over eventually. However in the mean time, work on improving yourself and your life in general and keep distracted. I finally decided to quit my old job, and finally got a job in something I like doing I now work from home.
Been focusing on improving myself to be the best me I can be. There are no signs of someone else or anything. I tried to keep it going although i often ended it since the advice on here is to slowly build up the texting.
Did i do something wrong? Perhaps meeting you brought back negative feelings relating to the breakup, which caused her to act this way. I would suggest you give her more space, and to continue with NC again for awhile longer, before contacting her a second time.
But she set up another date herself not sure if you missed that part. Please reply to this if there is any more input or at least some words of encouragement would be apreciated. Do you think there's a chance you did something to upset her during the second date? People would have different reasons to back away, one possibility could be that, while another may be that meeting you was more for closure than reconciliation, or even that she's simply busier during this period to maintain small talk with you.
Either way, hang in there and give her a little space for now, and maybe drop her a text again in a couple of days to check in with her. First, I have to say that you are awesome! I am learning so much from your articles. However, i found them too late. Here is the story: The last year or so went downhill because I didn't appreciate her anymore, took her basically for granted, and started to neglect her and her needs because of my new job, which was very stressfull, and I worked very long hours.
I wasn't doing it on purpose, i loved her very much, she meant everything to me, and she still does. She decided that she wasn't in love with me anymore and left me on September 23rd of last year. Just 2 days later, she came back crying, saying she made a huge mistake and we got back together. But within the next 2 months, it all started coming back to her, she said she is again feeling trapped when she is in my house.
She left for 3 weeks, she went on a holiday with her sister and her boyfriend. During that time she was away she called me because she missed me.
When she came back after new year, she again came back crying, saying she missed me a lot and couldn't be without me. And again, everything was ok for a couple of weeks, but then, she decided she needs some space, and we should not see each other for a while.
About a month later, it was valentines, which was also our anniversary. My emotions got the best of me, i called her, we met up and i broke down crying ang begging her to take me back. She said she doesn't love me anymore, that she got used to living without me, and she was okay with it. She also said, that she wouldn't like to try again right now, but maybe when i move out of my house into an apartment by myself, because she just couldn't come back to that house. I of course was crying and said ok, just don't get rid of me because i can't live without you.
That was 4 days ago. I only found your articles a day before yesterday, and immediately saw all the mistakes i made. I sent her a text message saying i was sorry for being rude and needy, my emotions got the best of me, and that i realised now, the breakup was a good thing.
She replied she wishes me all the best in life. I did not reply to her, and started no contact. Given the time you guys were together, you definitely do have a chance with her.
However, you have to work towards understanding why she first decided she wasn't in love with you anymore, as well as her reasons for feeling suffocated, and changing those aspects about yourself if you want another shot. Since she has gotten used to living without you, there isn't a point in pressuring her to get back together with you right now, because you would come across as the one who is needy and desperate.
Apply No Contact and work on those issues I mentioned earlier, before coming back to try once more as an improved person. Hello, first of all thank you very much for his very informative website.
It helps me accept the pains of my recent break-up. I'm a 36 yr old man from Europe Netherlands Although your website offers a lot of information, i still have some questions concerning my own situation and how to handle with it. I will try to write the story as compact as possible, since a lot has happened. I'm suffering from a mild form of MS. I was dating an 27 year old girl for 6 months, and she dumped me finally 3 weeks ago.
We met through tinder, chatted about 1,5 weeks, started calling each other and the spark was there. When I first met her on date I was honestly a little disappointed, as she looked different in real live then on pictures. But we talked for hours and went to her house afterwards and slept together was pretty fast for me, i don't like ONS actually. She asked me the next day if it was a one time thing, and I said no, so we started seeing each other more often.
Eventually she told me she was sexually abused when she was like 13 although she stated earlier that she was not carrying weight from the past. She told me she talked with psychologists about and that it was no issue anymore.
But only recently she said she dared to talk to the person who did it to her, so i wondered if she really processed this all. She also told me her mother was pretty much a borderliner, and alcoholic.
She wanted to do stuff pretty fast in the relationship. After 1,5 month she wanted me to meet her parents. We had some discussions about the amount of contact on whatsapp and the amount of dates, but no fights. She had problems With her living situation, her work, and her grandfather being Ill. I felt she needed me too much for all her problems. When I couldn't be there for her when she called me in panic, and when I told her my own problems MS blocked me from coming over to her place, she would never accept it, and she was disappointed in me.
I did do allot of other things to help her , and even went tot he hospital a couple of times, because her grandpa with colon cancer was almost dying. When I was there she was happy, but later on she seemed to forget those things I did, and stating, that I was never there for her when she needed me. She also complained about me being not sweet enough for her, and that she needed confirmation that I really liked her etc.
We had 4 serious months of relationship when we had fight about starting to live together, which was caused by her bad living situation, she paid a lot of money and had a dirty moisture house with problems. When I said i needed to think about it first, she got angry and probably felt rejected. After we had a big fight about it, she broke up from me. After a couple of days I started to miss her enormously and wrote her a letter that this break up made me see how much she meant to me and that I loved her told that fort he first time.
She cried and we had 2 nice weeks, where I showed much more of my loving side, and she confirmed that she saw I changed in the way she wished for, but that she needed to adjust, because of the rapid change of my feelings for her. She was colder emotionally in this period. After those 2 weeks she started another discussion over whats app i asked her like X no drama on whats app please, rather call that she felt lonely on the birtday of her grandfather she wanted me to be there.
I responded that i could understand, but that we should have fun together before getting into family stuff again because I had a fight with her mother. The she said, ok then it stops and I don't come with you and your family to Austria for Christmas then. I was pretty hurt because I did all kind of sweet things in the past 2 weeks, and she started to demand all kind off stuff again. We had a week of no contact and i went alone to Austria. I called her with Christmas, but she reacted very cold and could only talk about stopping the relation.
I even called her dad couple of days later, explaining could reach her emotionally anymore, but her father also reacted cold fort he first time! With new years eve I did went to her place, and we had very good talk, and we slept together, but the days after she was much colder again, and the moment I complained about that, she broke up with me again. This time saying ice cold, that she wanted me to leave her alone. A knife in my heart.
After this I started NC rule, for 3 weeks now. I do know the things I did wrong, and already apologized for it. I also know she emotionally blackmailed me, and I let it happen.
I don't know if I can handle the no-apologise, but I do want to talk to her. There's something you have to understand if you want things to ever work out between you guys.
A person like this comes with a lot of emotional and mental baggage, whether she admits it or not. Based on your story, this is quite evident, because most of the time, a person who has been abused growing up has a tendency of over reliance when they find a partner because of the comfort and positivity it brings to their life.
For your ex's case, she can probably only see things from her point of view and what she feels at the moment, so you shouldn't be expecting an apology. The case of where she breaks up with you whenever she doesn't have her way is a sign of conditioning, because she's been subconsciously conditioned since the first time that by breaking up, she eventually gets her way - but the process is definitely exhausting because at that moment, she may genuinely feel like she wants to break up and may treat you coldly.
You're going to need a lot of patience with her, and even consider suggesting therapy if her issues do not get better. For the time being, I would suggest talking to her if you still feel strongly for her once NC ends, and slowly try to work things out again. Thank you very much for your reply. Should I send the elephant in de the room letter after NC? I did try to show her her actions to me are based on fear, but she denies and blames me for everything.
How do I make her clear that her fears destroyed our relationship, without getting another fight? Yes you could send the letter if you want.
And to be honest, the best way to bring this topic up is only when you've gotten her back, and she's in a positive frame of mind. During that period, at least she may be more receptive to change then as opposed to now. It was 30 days now since last contact and i was about to send her the elephant letter.
For the first time in those 30 days i decided to check her Facebook. My stomach turned when I read she did a status update about 10 days ago that she is in relation with a new guy.
So half of januari i was in her bed the last time and month later she declares a new relationship on Facebook to the whole world. It is very obvious she jumped into a new relation almost immediatly and delibarately posted it on Facebook so freakin fast hoping that ill read iT she didnt posted so fast stuff about our relationship at the time on Facebook and never a relationship update, she is not very active on Facebook btw.
This sets me back in mental strongness and i probably should not send the letter now, since iT hurts like hell, i did read about the all the rebound stuff on this website. Do you agree that this is an obvoious rebound action and posting iT on Facebook is her way to try to hurt me?
How long should i wait now? It definitely sounds like a rebound relationship. Unfortunately, in this scenario, your only choice if you want her back is to wait it out until the relationship ends. I don't recommend you simply wait around and hope that it one day ends, but rather focus on yourself, and even consider moving on for the time being, and should an opportunity present itself in the future, based on how you feel, you could consider taking it up.
Our relationship is from last 8 years but from last 2 years we always fight for some reasons where i acepted myself now as my fault, the time we are in relation i didnt realize that i am doing wrong to her as i didnt want she talks always with her friends male.
Which she caught and breakup with me finally.. So i dont want that she leaves me because i want to be with her till my end I feel sorry and realize what i have done from last years but this makes me too late as she told to move on.. I am afarid to loose her.
Apply No Contact and give her some space to let go of her negative emotions relating to the breakup, and spend that time working to improve yourself before you contact her again. I was wondering, how should texting behavior be after first and second date after NC and after elephant in the room text? The second time she brought up some stuff about the breakup, which surprised me. She said both her parents told her that she was stupid. Again, this came out of the blue and i was very surprised.
On multiple occasions it felt as if she was trying to get me to say something, again, i may be overthinking. Again, i may be overthinking. At the end of the night, i dropped her off and just said goodbye no hug, no kiss, no handshake. As i was walking to my car she stopped me and walked over to me and hugged me and said happy valentines day thank you for tonight i had a lot of fun.
I guess ultimately i am asking if this sounds like im pretty close? It sounds like things are going well, and she's even ready to talk about the issues regarding the breakup. Regardless, you should keep things casual and continue to build up on connection if you're worried about facing rejection from her. You don't have to ask her immediately to get back together but drop hints of flirting, without seeming too pushy, and observe how she responds to you.
There has been a development. She seems to answer my texts and calls if I initiate. Also seems willing to hang out. However, she never initiates texting at all. She did after the elephant in the room text, then all of a sudden she stopped initiating. She is active on social media however. You could always continue initiating since she's been responding positively.
Maybe she's used to the idea of you texting or calling first, resulting in her lack of initiation. Well, it's best to come across as being friendly but casual. If she does not initiate texts or calls, perhaps wait a couple of days before initiating again. You might need to build her comfort level further before she starts to do this on her own accord.
We have been hanging out more frequently and it has been going fairly well. However, a few nights ago she invited me to her place after having dinner, it was the first time she had invited me back to her place since our relationship started going in the shitter months ago.
Anyway, after dinner, we bought some drinks and some pot. We smoked and got really high and then drank a few beers at her place while watching tv. She seemed a little pushy about me finishing my blunt. I expressed the concern of driving home high and drunk and hinted at NOT wanting to stay over since im not trying to rush any feelings or emotions or any physical contact. She expressed it was still early and not to worry about it, like I said she seemed pushy about it.
So i smoked the whole thing and drank some more and she came out in some somwhat revealing sleeping clothes or pjs. She told me to stop a couple times until she gave in.
The entire night we kissed as i felt her up and from time to time she would tell me to stop and other times she would kiss me.
After the high and the alcohol passed, and i came to my senses, i pulled away and took a nap for about an hour or two but i kept getting woken up by her cuddling me and holding my hand and resting on my shoulder and then woke up to her pulling me on top of her so i could sleep more comfortably while she caressed me. After this i woke up feeling normal again and i said i was leaving and she it was ok and we just hugged goodbye and that was that.
Everyone has needs from time to time. This could have been her way of expressing that, although mixed with uncertainty at the situation. If you'd like, you could have a talk with her to address the issue of where this is headed and how she feels, before deciding on your next course of action.
Alternatively, you could continue to maintain contact with her and work on building up the bond and comfort between the both of you. Our break up was painful, and the fact that it could happen again is scary. Although I am positive it would be a better relationship this time. No contact and your site and articles overall have helped me immensely.
At the moment we are friends. Since that experience, she has called me more often. She also initiates texting more often. Although it's best if the initiative could come from her, but sometimes if she's playing hot and cold, it might be better for you to take charge of the situation instead of sitting around wondering what her intentions could be.
You could ask her out sometime soon in a casual date-like manner and see how things go from there. So, me and my ex gf broke up a couple weeks ago january 23rd.
I'm currently doing NC, planning on sending her the "elephant on the room" message in around 1 month like march 10th.
Is there a way to have you look at it first Ryan? Should I let her know I had an interview in her country last week? Perhaps you could let her know when you are actually talking to her again. Including the interview may feel a little negative missed opportunities for starting out. I made first mistake to texted her again and again. We spend hours daily in uni and talk all night,But now we did't talk.
I asked her to talk to clear misunderstanding but she said i don't want to talk and went. I saw her daily and totally upset. You could wish her when her birthday arrives, but if she is still upset and does not want to talk to you, do not push her for a conversation after that and continue giving her more space.
Hi, my ex girlfriend and I were together for over 6 months, we both realised we felt something special, anyway, I know she's confused and not herself, she used lots of excuses none of them a reason to break up as it is easily fixed by us working on it together and communicating more, on the phone, i asked is this us breaking up?
She said like in a confused manor I suppose so.. I know she wasn't sure as she wasn't being her usual self. I suggested having a few days to think and see how it goes, 5 days went and I messaged asking if she was ready to talk and had enough time to think, she suddenly changed and became rude and blunt, not herself and saying she doesn't need to talk, she doesn't feel the same said that before aswell and can't rekindle the same feelings, so we are meeting tomorrow to exchange bits we have, we have had no contact for a few days since, if we have any it'll only be about time to meet and I'm wondering what do I say?
I want to get her back and I know for a fact that she loves me as she said she still loves me, how do I go about saying about the no contact for like 30 days? She hasn't blocked my number, but has blocked me on social media which is good as no contact will work then, but I want to tell her or not tell her in a way that will not ruin any chance of us getting back together permanently. We both said and realise at the start that the way we felt was different and more intense than other relationships, felt calm and excited with eachother and it was special, there was a feeling and connection not felt before..
But we didn't even get a try or chance, it's like she jumped the gun and this is a rash decision, she is very stubborn by nature. I want to give us a chance as I see a future and so does she as we spoke about it. You don't have to announce to her that you're applying no contact, but rather, just apply it on your own.
The whole point of it is to give both parties space and for you to work on any issues you think can be improved. You have to give her the space to let go of any negative emotions or fears she may have, in order to start on a fresh page again.
I am writing this confused and worried. My gf broke up with me but not by normal methods of breaking up, she kind of done it over the phone with me without ever saying it then I suggested we have some time no contact and then see how it goes, she agreed, then after 5 days I messaged asking how she was and she has had enough time to think and if she was ready to talk.. She got quite harsh and rude in the texts.. I know I want to get her back but I don't want to tell her I still love her as that will not go well..
Well, she could have been nice over the phone because she was afraid of hurting your feelings directly back then, but messaging makes it easier to remain distant from the entire situation. I suggest telling her when you meet up that you acknowledge your shortcomings back in the relationship and you'll be working to improve yourself.
You could also bring up the idea of remaining friends, so that once you've worked on yourself, can build a new bond and try to win her back again. Remember not to come across as pushy or pressure her into anything she doesn't want to, at even if she responds negatively, just treat it as taking a few steps backwards.
You can still turn it around. I feel I need a serious support from you. We're having a wonderful relationship my girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex whenever possible. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got her family with kids.
But due to some doubts on me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back to normal life. She is working in my company.
I brought her to my company only after we started of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully. We are able to spend a lot of time together. First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles.
I kept it hidden not to worry her for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That was a very serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me.
But so suspicious on every relationship even with my relatives. It happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get her back but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love.
She is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife. I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship.
I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. In last December one such thing happened and finally, she left me. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. She is not happy if care here more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now. But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love.
I'm 50 now and all my motivation is surrounding her and I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. I'm ready to answer any of your questions.
I need her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together. She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her.
But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything.
I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting everyday at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.
I did a lot of mistakes before coming to your site like begging, pleading, apologizing, promising on future and bad things possible as you pointed out.
Now i started the no contact as you suggested. But that be limited as we are are meeting everyday in office and a lot of official communications. Is you EBP advanced will work on this scenario?
Hi team Ryan, Still waiting to get a suggestion from from your expertise. Just to know that purchasing EBP will help me in my odd scenario. Please give some advise. Given this comment with a lot of belief on you after getting in to your site suggested by a friend in Texas.
He is also wondering what happened. Hi, I believe I had replied you some time back but the message might have gotten lost somewhere. Regarding your situation, although you did not cheat, you still did lie to her and that contributes severely to a person's trust towards you.
You will have to build that trust back up if you want a shot at winning her back. The first thing however, is to deal with the fact that you work together with her. For the time being, keep things strictly professional and only work related.
Give her some space and time to forgive you, and let go of any negative emotions, as well as to slowly gain her trust once more. EBP system may definitely help, as it does provide various methods on winning someone back, and also guides your mindset, to not come across as desperate or needy. How long i should keep this "only professional relation ship"? You feel still i got a chance to get her back? If she does not quit her job because of you, that means she is either fine working with you because she still harbors feelings, or that she has completely moved on.
However, given the circumstances, it's unlikely that she would have moved on completely. Keep the professional relationship for as long as necessary until you feel that you can have a normal conversation with her without being awkward and a certain level of comfort starts to re-develop.
About two months ago my ex broke up with me, out of nowhere and used the basic texts to justify it. As it was my first real relationship bc i'm still Young i fell out of all the clouds of happiness in which i was.
We were a couple since 5 months and before that we've been in the same school for three years. In the first two to three weeks after the break up, we were still having contact over Snapchat, just like we were normal friends.
There was no contact in the last month, but she was always on my mind to be true. Now she suddenly sent a Snap this monday and also today friday. We shared a few messages and i was trying hard not to appear needy, which didn't work out all that well. She didn't seem especially interested but she made contact again Can somebody tell me what that means? Is she still interested in having contact with me?
If she contacted you again, it could either mean she's still interested in you, or at least interested in remaining friends with you. Either way, if you do want her back, it'll be a good idea to continue with the conversation by definitely try your best not too come across as desperate or needy and start things off casually first.
Build up a stronger connection again with her before thinking of the next step. I met a girl days ago who I fell more and more in love with, 2 weeks ago we met for the first time, then the week after again at her place. Everything was fine until later that day, when I was home. She blocked me everywhere without even saying anything to me. I have no clue of why this happened, because she didn't say something she disliked about me before. It has been 4 days ago this occured.
And i have been NC since 3 days ago, since I was desperetly tried to contact her, which didn't work out. So im still as confused as day 1. I don't know if you can block peoples messages on phone, so I could try to contact her there after a month. What do you think I should do? I really like her.
I don't want this to end so quickly. You could try to contact her again casually after NC ends, but you should mentally prepare that it doesn't work out, and to walk away if she still doesn't reply. She may have her reasons for leaving you so suddenly like ex boyfriend walking back into her life, or personal matters, of which you'll probably have to let go of things if she won't even tell you what the reasons are, because it means that she's prepared to cut you out completely.
Thanks, I'll try that, I won't get my hopes up because it's very unlikely that she responds, we'll see what happens. Thank you for your time. You could always start off with something light hearted, and see where it takes you. The whole point is to be as casual, and not to raise any of her defenses, so you'll have to come across as a friend.
You could follow this article for more tips on how to go about contacting her again. So I realized recently how much I want to get back with my ex. After reading this article I realize it was going well until I screwed it up. We were together 3 years, have been apart for 1 and have a son. He lives in another state too. He visits every month or two. He was here this weekend and we went out with our son and had a great time. He mentioned it was great.
Then we went out to dinner just the two of us. We were having a good time and then I brought up us getting back together.
His defenses went up and he completely rejected the idea of getting together. I continued to talk about it for much too long. How do I fix this? Also, do I need to invest a lot more time in building a connection since we live in different places, have a kid and reconnecting would be such a big deal?
Yes, it would be a good idea to slowly build the connection back up instead of jumping at the idea of getting back together. Also, you need to understand why the relationship didn't work out the last time, and why your ex is reluctant at the idea of getting back together. If you can dispel his worries and doubts, he would probably be more open to things. Hello Ryan, My girl friend just broke up with me on Saturday. We were having a beautiful conversation and all of a sudden she brought my ex girl in the conversation.
I got mad about it and it brought huge misunderstanding. I needed to send her my call log and noticed that her name was saved as Ahmed Gift and My ex as "So Mine". But honestly that I thought that was normal. I have been pleading with her. She confessed she still love but I have to move on this she's time to heal and she's afraid of getting hurt. Am seriously in pains. I would recommend you following through with no contact to give her the time she needs to let go of any negative emotions of you and your ex.
At the same time, focus on picking yourself up from the hurt you feel because she's not going to come back into your life if you're an emotional mess. Work on yourself and after following the no contact rule , if the decision to win her back remains the same, you could initiate contact once more with her. So after two weeks of her being very ver unsure, she broke up. She said she has deep fwwling but there are reasons she will not tell me.
So now i am moved away already signed a job contract , and i still want her back. Merry christmas and happy new year. To be frank, it's hard to fully go into the friendzone if you were once her ex. If feelings could be sparked once, it can be sparked again although the second time may be a little harder.
My suggestion would be to build some form of friendship back up with her first and re-create the spark with her slowly, and trying to hint or get her excited at the fact that you're possibly returning in a couple of months.
See how she responds from there. Thing is, i do have a tendency to reactive depression she knows about, and while i am pretty used to it, i think she feels guilty of possibly having me pushed into another one she has, not the wordt i had so far but pretty up there.
We always talked about getting a dig when we move in together. She seems very reserved. I think she misses me, but she sticks with the decision or she would look crazy to herself. Okay, well, thanks for the tip on hinting on my possible new job in town once we have more of a connection.
And wow, thanks about empasising on no contact So much. I stuck to it as best as i could and it at least did wonders for me. I speak a new language now, made about 20 new friends, went to some massive parties and got involved with some marvelous ladies.
Knowing there is abundancenof happiness, but choosing the specific kind of happiness with that specific person. Thanks for all of that. I'm glad to hear that you've had such a positive impact towards No Contact. Not everyone receives the same success as you, but that's because sometimes they get disheartened or give excuses and try to take the easy way out. If she's currently still reserved, just give it a little more time and conversation for her to open up more, and you can take your next step from there.
We had our problems about being faithful after I cheated and then she did the same, but we were teens then and made sure I would never do that again. However I became insecure after she cheated and became verbally aggressive and controlling and eventually she broke up with me because I caught her talking to another guy. Now their relationship isn't sexually at the point i found out but I still panick and began to beg and cry.
Then we went like 4 days or so without speaking each other, I tried to get her back by being confident, like day six or seven. It didnt go well. It was suppose to be friends outing but I called it a date in front of her. Then I tried to have sex with her and she said no. Then I told her that I love her.
Now I wondering if I start NC that I can healed up and eventually become a guy who she could re-attract her, or is it too late. Right now, if you continue to pursue her, she might go to the other guy regardless for comfort against you. It might be a better idea to let her be and start NC to work on your insecurity issues, which you will need sorted out before you begin working towards getting her back.
I was in a long distance relationship. My ex gf broke up with me. I pretty much followed the program.
We had a great talk where she clearly outlined her concerns and that if they could be addressed She could see herself ending up with me long-term. She has booked a flight to come see me for the weekend. How do I make sure to not mess this up?
Just be yourself, don't be too anxious about things and keep things casual. Treat the meeting as if it were your first date and you're meeting for the first time. Hi, my girlfriend of a little over 2 years and I broke up very recently. I did the whole begging thing and letting her know I would change for 1 night, and just began NC a day ago. Before I began NC I sent one last message apologizing for continuing to pressure her into getting back and I would begin to respect her request for time and space.
I have set a NC period of 30 days. You could either do that or depending on how she responds to you, to continue talking to her casually after. My partner of the last year and a half broke up with me about two weeks ago. I did the whole begging, but for about a day before I just asked if they'd be my friend.
They agreed, then changed their mind, and then later said they do want me around. Right now, I have disappeared. Without a word to anyone but family, I'm taking a week vacation without Wi-Fi, or messaging them or any of our friends. They act apathetic, but will still reply to me, and has hugged me since then. Half of their family has messaged me, including their mother and grandmother.
They're talking about feeling suicidal, dropping out of school, not wanting friends or to be around people. After this week, I do plan on messaging them the "Elephant" message, I plan on doing the NC for a week out of concern for them.
What's your advice here? They said they don't have feelings for me anymore, but now they seem to be in a downward spiral. I love and care about them very much. NC can have that effect on your ex. Sometimes the lack of contact and sudden change in lifestyle routines would cause your ex to miss you very much.
If you feel that the amount of time that has passed is enough since the breakup, and you have managed to pick yourself up since, you could go ahead and contact her.
Recently I broke up with my gf and I really want her back. If she is unsure but you want to be with her, then you can convince her that things will be different since both of you are aware of what needs to change to avoid a toxic relationship. Ultimately, it's also how you feel about it, if you want to walk away, then do not lead her on any further.
So, my ex and I are kind of talking on and off. She broke up with me because she didn't think I loved her and she didn't think I was sexually attracted to her. I was dealing with stress and had a porn addiction. She turned me on like crazy but I felt bad because it would take me forever to finish because I had usually taken care of myself before.
I have since fixed this addiction. We talk, but she is still having doubts about getting back together, she thinks things will just be the same. I keep showing support for her and try to show that I am more in tune with being there for her where I lacked before.
Just having a tough time breaking through her wall. I don't know what else I can do. I guess just take my time building the trust? Yeah you can't rush into it when you're trying to build trust and regain her confidence in you once more. Take it a step at a time and remember that the fact that she responds to you is already a good sign. She says she still thinks about the mean things I said at the end of the relationship and that it made her numb.
She wants to hangout in the new year so I take that as a small victory. Just need to keep things slow. I kinda jump ahead when I start to make progress. I will be away for most of January, so hopefully that will give her time to heal more.
There is possibly a new guy trying to get in the picture though so I'm worried that month away will give him time to swoop in while she's still mad at me. Hello, My situation is like i was in long distance relationship for almost 1 Nd half year and we never meet in real yet and we were planning too meet and in between she start falling for someone else and then she gave Me reason that her parents isn't agree and all this while leaving me and she dating someone now and its been almost 3 months from now and she is with him and i have done all possible ways to convince her and lost my self respect as i begged, i try to make her remember our sweet moments, but she gets angry on that and after that i ask forgiveness also and she said she forgiven but just ignoring me and im giving time also as its been month i didn't talk anything with her.
There will be my chance to get her back in my life as its been 3 months of my break up and her new relationship. You might want to consider moving on since you have never met her but she might have met him. This makes things difficult for you as her connection with him might be stronger due to the physical memories they've shared.
You can try talking to her once but if she doesn't respond positively, do yourself a favor and walk away. So I have completed 30 days of NC other than a couple little things here, she text me on thanksgiving and I didn't reply till the next day cuz it was her birthday so I killed two birds with one stone.
And then the only other contact was when she was coming over to pick up her dog from my house. But I made sure that I wasn't home and that someone else was there to give her the dog. So after the 30 days I sent her a good reminder text and she responded well. A few days later we spoke a little about how our dogs are since I have one and she has one so now I'm just waiting a few more days to try and send another good reminder text or something along those lines. Is this a good idea?
I know you're not suppose to let fear rule anything right now but I just fear that she is only replying because she said she wants to remain "friends. But the fear that I will end up in the friend zone is what gets me. Any suggestions or more tips? If the relationship you shared with her was a meaningful one, it's unlikely that you'll be in the friendzone not for long at least. Even if she wants to remain just friends, it's something you should take as it's already better than her ignoring your messages and gives you more room to build up a stronger bond.
Some people get the shortcut of their ex instantly wanting them back, while some others would have to go through a slightly longer route of nurturing the relationship up first as a friend before trying anything more.
It was a 6 year long relationship so it was definitely meaningful. But right now before the NC she was saying that she doesn't want to date anyone or anything because she just wants to find out more about herself apparently. But last night I sent her a good reminder text again and she replied with "I'll never forget that" so today I tried to keep the conversation going by saying "Happy Festivus" along with sending a picture of us from an event for that "holiday" a made up holiday from her favorite show Seinfeld.
And she never replied. So I'm gonna take a step back and see what happens, so hopefully her and I can hang out sometime in the near future so she can see the change in me. We are officially not together anymore, however we still live together because we have a kid and we own a home together, and she still relies on me in many ways. We broke up because of something I did over jealousy and insecurities. I did the 30 days no contact rule even though we live together, and after 30 days I sent her a elephant in the room text with no response.
So I continued no contact strategy for 2 weeks. During that period she tried to irritate me and get a reaction out of me by constantly complaining and doing little annoying things, but I continued to ignore her.
She even got jealoused when I was hanging out with coworkers. When I saw her attitude changed for the better in the last few days, I sent her a good memory text asking her out for dinner to catch up. She responded immediately saying yes and planned on catching up tomorrow.
FYI when we were together she has never gone out to these parties. She made sure I noticed her new dress and heels and new outlook. Ever since the break up she rarely went out and seemed depressed. I texted her back wishing her having fun at the party and asked her if she wants to reschedule with no response.
Only saying it was a good stress reliever, should i continue no contact strategy or work on rebuilding connection over text? You could try once more building a connection and if it doesn't work out, continue with NC again. Bear in mind that if you could make changes to your life go out with coworkers, etc , she may do the same as well. As to whether cancelling on you at the last minute was out of spite or that she really had no choice, is something only you would know for sure.
It's been nearly a year since I broke up with my ex. This has been a great and more polished read, and I thank you for that. This past year has been a roller coaster.
Imsges: all of the following are stages of dating except
They mature us in ways we never could have matured otherwise.
Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.
We so excfpt good days, but then other days, I follkwing like a dark cloud is hanging over my life. Steve, many of us have said the same before. During that period she tried to irritate me and get a reaction out of me by constantly complaining and doing little annoying things, but I continued to ignore her. The crying for me lasted everyday for all of the following are stages of dating except to two years, I had never felt such prolonged sadness, yet each day became a step closer to smiling again. The whole point of it is to give both parties space and for when dating someone new to work on any issues you think can be improved.
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